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#79312 - 06/26/06 02:48 PM Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Tragic fucking memories… all about sacrifice and broken dreams, all about blood and sex without passion or love. You turned my skin and sky a fiery red, you raped my mind and ate up my youth.

Sleepless nights and days spent angry, a burning hunger for that which is right and good.

I said goodbye to every victim that you caught...
But I can’t say goodbye to you.

I have no mercy left for you, you kiss me and watch me die, you tell me you love me but all I can feel is hatred, I hear your devils choir, I feel your power and I choke on your stench.

I am death.

The night will be calling you soon, calling upon you to play your games and tell your lies and feast upon my innocence with claws plunged into my jugulars and my soul.

YOU, the hunter inside my heart, I lift my head and taste my own blood. You hate me all through the night and you quench your thirst on my virgin body.

There is only me, small and alone to bear witness to your insanity.


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#79313 - 07/06/06 03:07 PM Re: Broken dreams
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

In a way, that's the incredible power of Right and Truth - that a little kid, small and alone, can fight his way through, survive, and start again.

And yes, often just our survival is a witness to the insanity of others.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#79314 - 07/12/06 07:15 PM Re: Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Larry,
That's the second time you mentioned "that little kid". You know what... I hate that kid.


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#79315 - 07/13/06 03:19 AM Re: Broken dreams
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
why?

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#79316 - 07/13/06 02:05 PM Re: Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Good question Adam.
For a lot of reasons, I blame him for being so stupid... putting himself in a situation where someone could take advantage. For letting it continue, for not telling... for everything.


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#79317 - 07/13/06 02:53 PM Re: Broken dreams
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
He was just a kid, and an adult took advantage of him. It wasn't his fault. Always remember that. It wasn't your fault.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#79318 - 07/13/06 02:54 PM Re: Broken dreams
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Man, it is so easy to play those tapes in the head over and over again. How long I took the blame for the things that happened to me, and made excuses for the rotten people in my life. It wasn't until I stopped bearing THEIR burdens and crimes that things started turning around. Nobs is right - it wasn't your fault. Period.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#79319 - 07/13/06 05:10 PM Re: Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
No it wasn't, you're both right, it wasn't my fault.


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#79320 - 07/13/06 06:50 PM Re: Broken dreams
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaysen,

Sorry I am coming in late on this one. You are absolutely right to say you "hate that kid". Why? Because this is how you feel. We have absolutely NO chance of recovery until we are willing to let our feelings out, OWN them, and work on them.

Whether they are accurate or not, the bottom line is that our feelings are THERE. You have taken an important step in saying "out loud", as it were, that you feel this way.

You won't shed this feeling overnight, my friend. You say above that you KNOW Nobby and Andy are right, and that's a big step. But if you find yourself falling back to the old feelings, don't beat yourself up over it.

There is such as huge difference between "knowing" something is true, "believing" it's true, and "trusting" that it's true. I may "know" that a pan on the stove isn't hot, because I am the only one home and I haven't been heating anything. But watch what many of us will do - we will test the pan first, just to make sure. We "knew" the information, but we didn't trust it enough to act on it.

So many of our feelings about abuse are like that - we have to work on them. Just settle in for the long haul bro, and oh, while we're here, could you please pass me that pan? ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#79321 - 07/13/06 07:01 PM Re: Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Yes, if you pass me the oven mit first


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#79322 - 07/13/06 07:02 PM Re: Broken dreams
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#79323 - 07/13/06 08:44 PM Re: Broken dreams
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Pretty tricky there Larry \:\)


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#79324 - 07/13/06 08:45 PM Re: Broken dreams
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Yeah, I'm on a roll tonight! ;\)

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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