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#79298 - 06/26/06 02:24 AM trigger warning, my name is
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
this post was inspired by just a simple comment in another post ,it brought a whole chunk of stuff ,thoughts memories questions . my name is___ i see men ,big men ,their faces hidden by shiny black leather,men in a circle ,men without clothes,i cant look up i dont want to see,i look down i'm so relived,i have my pants on maybe its ok,in a mirror on the wall i see a boy ,a small thin boy ,standing on a low table surronded by naked animals,circling like a pack intent on the kill,i look in his eyes i see the fear and confusion ,i see the hands ,like the claws of some crazed animal ,tearing at what clothes he has left,pulling cloth, tearing cloth ,now he is naked before them all ,the hands, so many hands touching, pulling prying ,inside the boy is dying , the hands are pulling him down ,they are above him now, filthy black faces with mouths that will touch in the filthiest places,his body betrays him like everything else ,mumbled comments about size and beauty about how he seems to really enjoy this ,at the edge of whats left of his mind is a flashing light ,flashing ,flashing ,getting closer and farther way ,its very close now and i can see its my cousin with his camera ,snap !a part of his soul taken away,snap a moment of his pain captured forever,snap! his shame preserved for all time,his face frozen in time,the lights are bright he is so hot, they are smothering him now sweating huge bodies, rolling and thrusting, his body like a leaf in a storm ,he screams out in pain ,snap gotta get that one! how many of you were there? he was too scared to count ,he marked time by times of intense pain followed by minutes of relief as the next one stepped up,they are holding him up now ,he cant even hold himself up ,he is gagging choking they are on him ,they are in him ,he is not there anymore he is a shell with nothing inside, he dont know who you were he dont know about your lives ,your black hoods made you invisible to him ,why didnt he get a hood did you need to see who he was ,?did you need to see his face?did you want to see yourself in his pain? did you want to know this boy?was he more than just an object?was he everything you could never be ?did it make it better to see how innocent he was ?was the innocence part of it? i know i'll never know your names ,but i wated you to know my name is adam .not sure if this belongs here if not feel free to move it

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#79299 - 06/26/06 03:52 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
You have known evil
You have looked at it
You have smelled it
You have heard its evil laughter
You have felt it ripping at your flesh
You have felt it inside, tearing you apart
You have felt its awful breath warm and moist upon your cheek

And yet, you are innocence
You are love
You are compassion
You are light that emerges from the darkness, when no light seems possible from there
You are victory

For you did not understand
Could not understand evil
You had no capacity for evil
No way of knowing what it was

Fear, pain, horror
Those you felt
But evil you did not understand
Only asking why these men would do these things
And only briefly asking
Before pain and fear were there to drive all questions from your mind

Others

I

Would not have survived, I think, to see another day.
Yet,there you are
No vestige of evil there inside you
Scars.....to be sure
Healing...to be done
Love......to trust again without fear
Life......to know what it means far beyond what most could ever imagine

But there's no evil there
For you have seen it
Touched it
Known it for what it is
Pain and horror,hidden beneath black hoods
Cousins with cameras
Naked men with claws for hands

And no one to comfort a little boy
Who, when he should have been safe in someone's arms,
Was meeting evil face to face

How is it that you have lived to love
To care for others
Soothe them when they hurt
How is it that the evil could not drag you down with its pain and agony?

There are such marvels here
Each day I see them
Hear them
Learn their names
And ponder who they are
And wonder why
And how
From such horror come such men

And I have learned that evil has real power only over its own
That good survives beyond all reason
Even through horrendous pain
And you, my friend, and others like you
Have changed the way I see my world.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#79300 - 06/26/06 04:48 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Love you, Adam. I fear I have nothing else to add. Bobby has said it.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#79301 - 06/26/06 04:55 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
i dont hink i ever read anythin g ypou posted in the poetry section. is this the first time you posted here shadow? im glad you posted this.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#79302 - 06/27/06 07:32 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I love how Bobby said it.

I won't do poetry justice by trying to utter it myself, so I will respond by just replying in my straight-forward approach if I may.

It's not that you survived tragedy Adam. Men are not looked up to simply becuase they survived a horrible accident, or beat terrible odds. It's your character that I and the others see in you that's amazing. Rather than (in an effort to dampen your own pain) ebracing evil and hatred, you have rejected it totally. We only know you to be a loving and caring man.

Before I met you I never would have assumed that one could turn out this way after such abuse, but here you are.

And if I may, I would also like to thank you for surviving, becuase you have helped me in my recovery more than any other single individual here.......so.....THANK YOU ADAM.


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#79303 - 06/28/06 02:42 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
how do you guys do it? you can make me feel better after posting something like this, thanks to you all adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#79304 - 06/28/06 07:13 PM Re: trigger warning, my name is
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

Here's the part I thought was most important:

Quote:
i know i'll never know your names ,but i wanted you to know my name is adam.
Do you see why?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#79305 - 06/28/06 08:19 PM Re: trigger warning, my name is
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
That was a pretty amazing outpouring of raw emotions.
It is good to unload it now and again, rather than hold it inside,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#79306 - 07/02/06 05:41 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Adam,

Bobby has said it so beartifully. I would only say, that I can see beauty coming from the pain, or can I see beauty in spite of the pain? I see an awesomely kind and loving man in you. I see what the power of goodness can do in a life.

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#79307 - 07/02/06 06:00 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
thanks again guys, larry i think i wanted them, to know that it was a person that they were hurting ,a good kind little boy not just an object for their sex desires,there was more to me than the pictures or videos they made ,and i wish they could see me now ,to see that i survived all the things they did to me and didnt come out like them .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#79308 - 07/02/06 06:34 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Adam,

I am in awe of the beautiful person you and so many of my brothers here have turned out to be in spite of the horrifying things that have happened to them. Thanks for being you.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#79309 - 07/02/06 04:18 PM Re: trigger warning, my name is
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
john your one of those beautiful people to you know? good things are happening in my life and with out you and the others here i would still be lost in my past filled with only darkness ,instead of finding out that there really are good things in life ,if i just let them in ,this started with one good thing and its like it just keeps growing ,the one good thing that started the change was finding the site and finding you ,and all the beautiful people here .what i found here is as good for me as the abuse was bad ,i had extreme abuse and now i feel extreme love ,i think its finally starting to balance out with the good being even stronger than the bad ,how do i say thank you for giving me life again ? i read the first message i posted on this thread and now i'm reading the one i just wrote ,one extreme to the other and i can see it right here in this thread ,i must be getting better cause i dont no longer dwell on the first post ,i am living the last one. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#79310 - 07/02/06 04:31 PM Re: trigger warning, my name is
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Wow Adam. That is so meaningful to me. Thank-you for sharing.

You know what, I see you now being a caring and accepting presence here to the guys that are coming in with all their pain and hurt. I see you reaching out to them in the same way you were taken in and cared for when you first came. So it's not only that you are getting better, you are paying it forward to others as well. That is the key to getting better.

Someone said "No man is an island". Whoever it was, they are so right. We cannot exist on our own. We are either getting better, growing, or we are withering and dying. The only way to getting better is to reach out to others while working on the things that hurt inside ourselves. Together we move forward to better places.

My T says

"We were wounded in relationship. The only way to healing is in relationship."

That's a much better way of putting it than that long paragraph I just wrote.

Love you, Bro.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#79311 - 07/03/06 02:43 AM Re: trigger warning, my name is
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Adam,

This is one of the most powerful threads I have seen here on the board. And the reason is like you say:
Quote:
i had extreme abuse and now i feel extreme love ,i think its finally starting to balance out with the good being even stronger than the bad ,how do i say thank you for giving me life again ? i read the first message i posted on this thread and now i'm reading the one i just wrote ,one extreme to the other and i can see it right here in this thread ,i must be getting better cause i dont no longer dwell on the first post ,i am living the last one.
To see the change and growth that has happened in your life is a very powerful thing. And like John says to see you reaching out to others who are hurting and bringing healing to them is the best thanks you can ever give for the love and healing you have found for yourself.

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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