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#79171 - 08/05/04 06:39 PM Why?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
If it was my fault I probably wouldn't be here

If it was my fault I would never have been there

If it was my fault I wouldn't be seen

If it was my fault I wouldn't be heard

If it was my fault I wouldn't be so scared

If it was my fault I wouldn't be so angry

I probably wouldn't care

If it was my fault I wouldn't need to listen

I wouldn't need your prayer

If it was my fault I would never go back there

But my fault was "it happenned"

It never was my choice

Going back was never my choice

But no options are left, but to relive these things that thrive in the mind of
a broken childhood

Breaking the silence is so hard when all we want to do is scream, So many times screaming into the wilderness
never being heard above the wall of silence.

Your're chance is when you can listen to the screams of all the pain we little one's
suffered!

The pain you cannot visit, it is too hard to see

But we will always blame ourselves

WHY?


Why? Am I still so scared?

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#79172 - 08/06/04 11:48 PM Re: Why?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Dear 2K,

I was inside your poem on this one...what do we see when we look at the fear...go back and look at where we were, what we were.
I was reminded this last week as I was trying to quit group, again, of how young I was and how immature, how "pre-pared" i was for what was to follow.
what do we see when we look at the fear...
FEAR.

It is when we can face our fear, look at it face to face and realize that we had no choice, we were being manipulated, we were being exploited. we were being used as objects...ya, that is SCARY!!

Peace, strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#79173 - 08/07/04 05:25 PM Re: Why?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
David

thanks for your comments

I am no good at poetry, but I will get there, this post was just something in my head "Venting".

I re-visited my past, I can recall the event so vividly, I went back because we always blame ourselves, probably because there is no-one else to take it.

I went back just to see why it still hurts so much, but I have no doubt that the hurt is justifiable, I still have huge parts of my childhood locked away in there.

It's horrifying for me to think that all I wanted to do was grow up to be big enough to find the bastard and kill him, or even just protect myself from the others, it is not a nice thing to wish away what should be so beautiful a part of life.

Running scared, constantly looking around you, looking down the street, imagining he is around, imagining he is in your house, or waiting outside in the darkness, is he going to kill me, are my friends gonna be with me when he comes???

I love this little quote "pre-pared" I can think of that in a lot of different ways, I really think it is excellent.

When I first came to this group, I really was confused, but now I can categorise my feelings and maybe know where they are coming from. I now know after all these years, that I am not mad, I am just going through all the same fears as the others. It is a Giant leap for me.

I remember something you said about a little boy you met so many years ago, who you couldn't look in the eye, the boy who was living a "normal life".

A life without abuse!

I went to the supermarket mid week and I saw a boy of about 13/14 glance over to another boy of the same age on another checkout, the other boy glanced back, then the first boy smiled in only a way a kid can do, and the other one smiled back.

I thought, hey isn't this what life is supposed to be like?

I will only vent when facing shit head on, but it has to be done, the only way to get it out of the system is by typing it into cyberspace.

I want to see a day, when we don't have to bear the mask of being abused, why do we?

Sorry about going on for so long Dave,

peace and harmony

ste ;\)

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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