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#79082 - 05/05/06 11:00 PM visit from hell
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
i might forget...no, never will.
you come around, i'm colder still.
haunting feelings.
torture games...
fooled me once,
fooled me again.

loss of words.
i'm still not brave.
what will they think?
what will they say?

cannot tell them.
lips shut tight.
just block it out
i'll be alright.

until the fucker comes around.
can't save myself...
he knocks me down.

thoughts flood my weak and tortured brain
they eat at me, make me insane.

still don't tell of what went down
the bed, the couch, the dirty ground.
i see them,
feel them
in my head
along with what the asshole said.


now empty,
i feel used again.
i hate this game...
you always win.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#79083 - 05/05/06 11:55 PM Re: visit from hell
Bill_h_pike Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 67
Loc: USA
Kuurt,
I feel your pain. Being abused sucks. The resulting feelings are so painfull and complicated.


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#79084 - 05/06/06 01:36 AM Re: visit from hell
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
he doesnt always have to win kuurt . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#79085 - 05/06/06 05:33 PM Re: visit from hell
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kurt,

It's a painful thing to read your poem, and I'm sure it was even more painful to write it. But it's important that you did that. It's a way of fighting back, of rejecting blame - even if it doesn't feel like that just yet.

Abusers always seem to win bro. That's because abuse is about a powerful person (adult, older teenager) exploiting his power to hurt someone who's vulnerable. But now it isn't like that. You aren't alone anymore. You can talk if and when you need to. Things WILL get better.

I know that's easy for me to say. But you know what? I used to feel much as you do: that all this recovery stuff was just for others and I would never be able to do that. But in the past few years I have done things that I thought I would never do, and some things that I didn't even THINK about.

Sometimes we are moving forward but we don't see or feel it. We don't see results so we think nothing is happening. We don't realize that the greatest strength is the strength that is built up slowly and silently.

You have shown a lot of that strength already, and believe me, you will show a lot more, and sooner than you think.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#79086 - 05/06/06 11:27 PM Re: visit from hell
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
deleted for privacy.
sorry,
kurt

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

Top
#79087 - 05/07/06 12:01 AM Re: visit from hell
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
kuurt,

I hear you man. Be strong...this might be a good time to talk to someone you trust.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#79088 - 05/07/06 08:39 PM Re: visit from hell
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
kurt,

you could start by telling your mom, you dont feel safe in the house, or around him.
Tell her that he gives you funny looks or something.

Another idea, may be to take the guy with you, who knows what he did, assuming you told him the actual person.

Another idea is to take a mini voice recorder to record anything incriminating that he might say to you.

Just some thoughts,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#79089 - 05/08/06 05:44 PM Re: visit from hell
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kurt,

Ste has a good idea. Would you be able to at least tell your Mom that you don't feel safe around him?

The idea that he will be the one rebuilding your room makes me shudder. I do understand how you feel bro.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#79090 - 05/08/06 11:09 PM Re: visit from hell
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Kurt,

I understand exactly how you feel, and I'm concerned for your safety, Bro. Even if he never touches you again, it's not good for you to have to be in fear of seeing him or what he may do.

I can only suggest that you endeavor to take care of yourself and your safety in some way. Telling you Mom what kind of a person he is could be the ideal thing, but I understand that her track record is not exactly stellar when it comes to keeping you safe. Above all, keep us posted on how things are going. Talking about it can help alleviate the anxiety and fear.

Safe Hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#79091 - 05/11/06 01:03 AM Re: visit from hell
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
thanks guys. you all help me a lot.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

Top
#79092 - 05/11/06 04:34 PM Re: visit from hell
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
now empty
i feel used again
i hate this game...
you always win

Hurts me, Kuurt. The pain makes me cry. Can't imagine what it must do to you. But he hasn't won. Your strength shines through. You've won, because your spirit,who you are is still strong. They take our bodies because we can't fight back, and, yes, to a certain degree they destroy a part of us. But what they really want, really need, is to destroy our souls and that's something they can't have. We are survivors. Our strength is in who we are. When I feel your strength, it makes me proud of my own. It's so interesting to me that your poem about not being able to fight back says just the opposite to me...makes me feel how strong you are. This poem and the person who wrote it are both awesome! Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#79093 - 05/11/06 07:24 PM Re: visit from hell
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kurt,

I would like to ask you to look here at all the support you have received, mainly from guys who don't really know you at all.

You are NOT alone!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#79094 - 05/11/06 08:43 PM Re: visit from hell
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Kurt,

I just read Bobby's post and agree with it whole heartedly. I too see a strength in your post that I was never able to see in myself when I was in the middle of all the s**t.

Just keep talking, Bro.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#79095 - 05/11/06 09:56 PM Re: visit from hell
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
it's hard for me to write anything about what happend when i was little...and what's happening now, so it really helps that you guys have given me so much feedback and support. thank you.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

Top
#79096 - 05/11/06 11:00 PM Re: visit from hell
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kurt,

Yes, it is very hard, but you are finding your own way and that's what counts. You are talking and that is so important. By talking you are rejecting what was done to you, rejecting the solitude of staying silent, and rejecting the blame. You are a very brave guy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#79097 - 05/12/06 02:50 AM Re: visit from hell
newo Offline
Member

Registered: 01/09/06
Posts: 55
Loc: CA, USA
Kuurt

I have a wrist band that I have in quantity. I will send you one... it sais "Silent No More."
The silence has to end. Take the risk of talking to someone, and then be safe.

PM me as to how to send you a wrist band.

OKW

_________________________
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much
"Religion is for those afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already lived through it."

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#79098 - 05/12/06 03:33 AM Re: visit from hell
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
( ( ( ( ( ((((((((((Kurt)))))))))) ) ) ) ) )

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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