i might forget...no, never will.
you come around, i'm colder still.
haunting feelings.
torture games...
fooled me once,
fooled me again.

loss of words.
i'm still not brave.
what will they think?
what will they say?

cannot tell them.
lips shut tight.
just block it out
i'll be alright.

until the fucker comes around.
can't save myself...
he knocks me down.

thoughts flood my weak and tortured brain
they eat at me, make me insane.

still don't tell of what went down
the bed, the couch, the dirty ground.
i see them,
feel them
in my head
along with what the asshole said.


now empty,
i feel used again.
i hate this game...
you always win.

Kuurt,
I feel your pain. Being abused sucks. The resulting feelings are so painfull and complicated.

he doesnt always have to win kuurt . shadow

Kurt,

It's a painful thing to read your poem, and I'm sure it was even more painful to write it. But it's important that you did that. It's a way of fighting back, of rejecting blame - even if it doesn't feel like that just yet.

Abusers always seem to win bro. That's because abuse is about a powerful person (adult, older teenager) exploiting his power to hurt someone who's vulnerable. But now it isn't like that. You aren't alone anymore. You can talk if and when you need to. Things WILL get better.

I know that's easy for me to say. But you know what? I used to feel much as you do: that all this recovery stuff was just for others and I would never be able to do that. But in the past few years I have done things that I thought I would never do, and some things that I didn't even THINK about.

Sometimes we are moving forward but we don't see or feel it. We don't see results so we think nothing is happening. We don't realize that the greatest strength is the strength that is built up slowly and silently.

You have shown a lot of that strength already, and believe me, you will show a lot more, and sooner than you think.

Much love,
Larry

deleted for privacy.
sorry,
kurt

kuurt,

I hear you man. Be strong...this might be a good time to talk to someone you trust.

kurt,

you could start by telling your mom, you dont feel safe in the house, or around him.
Tell her that he gives you funny looks or something.

Another idea, may be to take the guy with you, who knows what he did, assuming you told him the actual person.

Another idea is to take a mini voice recorder to record anything incriminating that he might say to you.

Just some thoughts,

ste

Kurt,

Ste has a good idea. Would you be able to at least tell your Mom that you don't feel safe around him?

The idea that he will be the one rebuilding your room makes me shudder. I do understand how you feel bro.

Much love,
Larry

Kurt,

I understand exactly how you feel, and I'm concerned for your safety, Bro. Even if he never touches you again, it's not good for you to have to be in fear of seeing him or what he may do.

I can only suggest that you endeavor to take care of yourself and your safety in some way. Telling you Mom what kind of a person he is could be the ideal thing, but I understand that her track record is not exactly stellar when it comes to keeping you safe. Above all, keep us posted on how things are going. Talking about it can help alleviate the anxiety and fear.

Safe Hugs,

John

thanks guys. you all help me a lot.