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#78988 - 04/18/06 04:19 PM Who I Am
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Where do I get my who I am?
Where do I find me
I don't know
Why must I look for me outside
Where did I hide
Where did I go

Why do I come here day after day
Looking for me in others' eyes
Hoping that what they think of me
Will make me think better of myself

Why is it possible that one man
Any man, can tear me down
Can make me curl up in pain
A little boy, lost once again
With no way out; nowhere to turn

Where is the strength of other men
The mental strength
The self esteem
Where is the "This is who I am,
Take me or leave me
This is it."

Where is the "I'm as good as you."
Why must I live in "What if I'm not?"
Why must I prove to myself each day
That I have a right to live, to be

I am so sick of living this way
Feeling all right, from day to day
But knowing that anythng I perceive
As less than wonderful
Makes me grieve, for a little boy
A grown old man
So injured once by a lack of love
That nothing
No one
Can bring him back

I don't want much from life, I think
Just to be
And not to worry that I am less
Not to have to prove each day
That I am worth what others take so naturally
Of drawing breath just one more day.

I'm tired now
Tired of the struggle
Always thought that one day
I'd come out on top
Smell the air
Feel the sun
Finally be free of him
Free of all the things he said
Looks he gave
Holding he kept to himself
Free to love myself at last
And not feel flawed
No right to be

I want to be back there again
A different dad
With wondrous smiles
Who'd look at me with pride and love
The way a father ought to do
And love me for the boy I am
And hug me
God, I'd like a hug from him
I'd like to cry inside his arms
And know that he'd take care of me
Forever
Because I'm his boy
The one he loves

Too, late I think
And so, I seek that love elsewhere
A useless search
A pit that never can be filled
Easier to stay inside
And feel bad
Than to risk again a going out into the world
Your spirit riding high and smiling
Only to be knocked unconscious once again
By a downward look, an ugly word

No happy ending to this poem
No hope for change in life, I think
For every friend I meet I hope will be the one
Who gives me what I need
The love
Too much pressure on a friendship
Too much to ask
Too much need
Too much fear of final rejection
Another knife where so many have been sheathed

Ah, yes, poor me
Poor, poor, poor me
Poor little me.

Poor little him
Poor little boy
At last I've found him
Know him
Want to help him want to live
I understand his wounds
Understand his feelings
Feel for him so much

How is it that I love the little boy
But have only disdain
For the man the little boy grew up to be?

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#78989 - 04/18/06 04:28 PM Re: Who I Am
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Quote:
How is it that I love the little boy
But have only disdain
For the man the little boy grew up to be?
The man deserves love and respect too. The fact that he feels otherwise is the fault of the abuser.

Remember bro, that the guy Little Bobby needs is you, Big Bobby. You more than anyone else.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78990 - 04/18/06 05:43 PM Re: Who I Am
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
bobby how did you know exactly what was in my heart? why cant we love who we have become is it just another aftereffect of abuse? your writing gets straight to the point and speaks for all of us. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#78991 - 04/18/06 08:50 PM Re: Who I Am
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Bobby,

is it not right that we all protect the little boys we were, and still are at heart.
This is me! This is who I am!

The heart of a small boy, who cries out as a man, who cherishes the same small boy who carried him through his life of hurt.

He is safe now, and he has made his mark on earth, just like we all do, through peace and understanding of real nature that only innocence can provide.

That of a small child,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#78992 - 04/19/06 12:36 AM Re: Who I Am
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Bobby,

my mind and heart are seething right now with thought and feelings in reaction to your poem. This one has affected me deeply.

The little boy and the old man we each have are equally deserving of our love as well as the love of those around us.

You are a good person, I am, Larry, Adam, ste, everyone here is a good person deserving of self love, needing it, craving it. So what is stopping us from giving it? I think that is the question we need to answer.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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