Holding on
Looking straight ahead
Not from side to side
Afraid to look
To look inside
Changes?
What if all are gone?
What if I am back?
He is back?
Not all at once, I know
But still, so good
So good to be different
So good to be at rest
So good to be alone
To have him gone
Not be afraid
If only for a second
An hour
A day

I know I must let down the guard
All guards
Trust
And be
Face what is
What was
What will be
But, oh, the taste of freedom
Small taste
Great hope
Sweet freedom
Sweet being
Hugging self
Being hugged in return
Great joy
Ding Dong the Ogre's Dead

Can't be afraid
Must relax
Must trust
Must trust that he's gone
Must feel safe

If I must go back at times
I must
But now I know how freedom feels
Rest feels
Union feels
Trust feels between outer man
Inner child

I know the goal
I know the way
Even if I slip and fall down the path
I'll know the way back up that I must climb
And how it is to feel upon my face
The warmth of the sun

Bobby,

I think you are really hitting upon an important part of recovery when you say this:

For me recovery brought me knowledge of some pretty important truths about myself: things like I wasn't alone, I wasn't guilty, and so on. But I wondered why this knowledge wasn't helping me as much as I thought it would.

Then I realized that while I knew these things intellectually I didn't yet believe them in my heart. I thought that when that started to happen I would really be making good progress.

In a way that has been true, but I see I am still not done in this process, because while I know these things and believe them, I still don't TRUST them. That is, I still don't have the confidence to build my life on them and act on them. I wonder will this all fall apart and send me right back to zero.

Interestingly, discovering this hasn't frustrated me or sent me into a tailspin like it would have done two years ago, just as discovering this stage of trust seems not to trouble you too much. So maybe we are already trusting ourselves more than we think.

I'm not even going to ask if this makes any sense! :rolleyes:

Much love,
Larry

Bobby,

I liked the poem. A lot.

That's the part that appeals to me. The warmth of the sun, the feel of that freedom. It's what keeps me coming back after that fall on the path.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us.

And Larry,

it made sense to me so either I'm just as demented as you, or I'm smarter than I thought!

Lots of love to both of you,

John