I want those here to understand where this post is coming from as I see so many other brothers who have the love and support of a significant other/spouse I truely commend those who can openly trust the person in your life now.I on the other hand feel very betrayed and my trust level of sharing about my abuse is practically out the window thanks to a very complicated wife I am now with.

My wife a week ago during a therapy session with the two of us divuldged that she wanted a divorce now within the last week since trying to talk and openly communicate about this with her now is of afraid to divorce me based upon my medical condition and the so called fact that she is afraid to leave me while I am faced with my own mortality(cancer).I spoke with my wife and told her that I still want a divorce and wish to just be let go of and released so this way my wife now can be happy with the rest of her life and she can have what so much is wanted of her life and dream that right now and medically speaking I cannot give her which is a biological child of her own.I am faced with the possibility of not surviving another year as my doctors are trying to figure out which way my cancer is spreading from my neck to lung or other way around so I told my wife just to let me go and to be happy and hopefully if we split that we can at least remain friends and that I will always be here for her as long as i live but that I cannot give her her dream and I want for her to see her life happy and not have to watch my life dwindle away.

Brothers hold tight to those you love no matter what it takes even with trust issues for you never no what the next day or hour may behold for you.I learned to trust my wife with my story about my abuse don't know if this is a factor in why she is trying now to back up and tell me she loves me but I have had to make probably the hardest decision that I ever have had to make which is I myself choose to let my wife go so she can be happy and live a life that she dreamed of way before she and I ever met that I truely cannot give her,I have filed for divorce this week and I am not going to back down from my decision,I am not happy in the relationship I am in now and I feel like I have regressed rather then progressed in my survival from my abuse as I have allowed myself to take abuse from my wife over the several last couple of years and have not said a word to anyone up until just within the last few weeks have I gotten my voice back to try and fight even despite my circumstances that I am in now.

I have found it harder and harder as the day goes by to just lie down and let go even with everything in me wanting too another part of me won't let myself and is almost becoming the driving force now of everything I do and say.I want everyone to know i appreciate the words of encouragement and the support even if all I have done is read your responses lately it is helping to know I am not alone and I do have support even when times are tough I have brothers that can understand and listen and offer ways to help me get through this very rough sea that I am in.

Thank you brothers for listening and being here during a period in my life where right now I am still struggling every day to find hope to get up each day,I have realized just within the last week after looking at myself in a mirror I am not happy with the face staring back at me and it is either i get up every day and do something about this disappointment,self hate,self harm,broken inner self with very crippled trust issues otherwise I will wind up a nobody and I will not have accomplished what I believe i am supposed to do which I am searching within myself to find and truely find out if this is what is to be my legacy.


More later as thoughts develop

Andrew:

You are dealing with a tremendous amount of stuff right now (as if you didn't know). I think that you have a tremendous amount of courage to stick to your convictions and continue with the divorce. If she has been abusive all of these years and then suddenly has a change of heart, it is probably out of a sense of guilt on her part that she may be kicking someone when he's down. I don't think I would want to live with that either. I wouldn't want pity.

My concern is: do you have other people around you (in the physical sense) who will be with you during this time? You can't go this alone. I'm thinking not only of the emotional support, but also people who can care for you if you can't care for yourself with day-to-day activities. That's important, too.

I can't begin to imagine the thousands of things on your mind at this time, and I applaud your courage and fortitude. But, I want to make sure that you have enough help around you especially when dealing with a terminal illness.

I'm not a "religious" person, but I am a spiritual one and I am praying for you to have strength to work through these struggles and that, eventually, you will be at peace with yourself and someday soon realize that you HAVE made a difference in this world. We never truly know how many lives we touch during this snippet of time that we have on this earth. If we're lucky, we get to see one example.

I know that your courage and honesty has touched many people here. And, in that sense, you have done more good than you could even begin to imagine.

Please continue to write and let us know how you are doing. We're always here to listen.

SD