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#7853 - 08/30/03 01:38 PM is this what it's like to be human?
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
All these feelings....the anxiety....confusion....I don't know all the others. I'm just overwhelmed with feelings right now, and I don't really know why. I do know why....I just don't understand how to get rid of them.

I spent two weeks out with an Aunt and Uncle and Cousin......3500 km's from home. I enjoyed myself. My 15 y/o cousin and I are like brothers. We're pretty close. I think in the two weeks I was there, he told me more about himself then his parents know about him. My Aunt and Uncle are awesome! I love it out there. Plus, the added bonus of living near the mountains....and the true wilderness.

So when I was upset about coming home, my uncle offered me a job and place to live. Now I'm torn. I want to go out there. I want to live out there. I'll make more money, I'll be near family that I'm close with, I'll be nearer the recreation sports I long to do. I want to go

The problem that stands before me. I'm 26 (as of Sept. 4th) and I still live at home. Never been away from home for more then 2 weeks at a time. My mom is pretty close to me. It'll devastate her if I go. I don't want to stay in Ontario. I want to move to Alberta, but I don't want to hurt my mother.

I'm so overwhelmed with the confusion around these things. Everyone tells me to just go. They tell me to be selfish and worry about myself for a change. Everyone says that my mom will get over it. I just don't like to hurt her. I love my mother dearly....I don't want to hurt her....but it hurts me right now.

If this is what it's like to be human, I don't want to be alive right now. I have contemplated on more then occasion over the past week the benefits of suicide vs. living. The Irony in the situation? The very things that are causing me the pain, are the things that are keeping me alive and keeping me from killing myself. If I didn't have what I have at home, I'd be dead right now. My family that loves me....that's what keeps me alive.

I don't know. I'm so damned confused! I'm 1/2 hoping that by posting this message here, it'll help me to get some of this out and let go of some of these feelings.

Now I'm off to go camping....with who you ask??? My family! Perhaps, just maybe, I'll be able to resolve some of these feelings this weekend and get over stuff. I'd love to be in Alberta by Christmas....but then....that brings about another question!!! What if??? Will I be able to make it home for Christmas? I don't know. I don't fucking have a clue!!! It hurts....I'm confused...maybe I'm running away....I think that's what my parents think....but what am I running away from?

This sucks....ending it all seems so much easier!

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening to me ramble on!

Dave


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#7854 - 08/30/03 02:37 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Dave
My brother left England about 40 years ago to settle in Nova Scotia, and with email, web cams, and digital video and all that stuff it's become a small world.

We miss my brother and his family for sure, but we talk every day either by email or the cheap phone calls.

If you don't go - you'll never know what it's like.

I bet your mother will always take you back if it doesn't work out. And I bet she'll be proud of you making such a decision to go and find your own life as well.

And Alberta is just so nice.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#7855 - 08/30/03 02:43 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5381
Loc: Washington State
Dave,

You can only live your life for your self. Dont live your life for someone else. I dont think your mom would be happy to know that she is keeping you from your dreams of moving and living some where else. If your mom is really close with you she will want only the best for you. Dave is right though with the internet it has become a small world.

lots of love, Nathan


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#7856 - 08/30/03 03:34 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hello Dave,

It is human nature to resist change, even when the change is for the better. This is why we are here, getting help to change for the better. Even though it is easier to stay doing what we were in the pain we are in.

You didn't say why you were upset to go home. But it seems that you had a reason to be. Leaving a place you are not comfortable to start a new and fresh life is not running away. Running away is to avoid the problem completely. Moving towards a better life and opportunities is not running.

Your mom should understand and support you in a move towards the better. If this is a move that you want and need, by all means take that step into the unknown. It will be a bit scarey. All the fimilar surroundings will no longer be there. New ones will emerge. Supporting family members will be there. If not in the next room, at the end of a telephone line or letter.

Enjoy your camping trip and have a wonderful birthday.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#7857 - 08/30/03 06:10 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Dave,


Another way to look at the question is from the other end: What if you don't go?

What if you don't go because of your mother? Will your relationship change? Will your view of yourself change?

Not that these questions are any better, just a different way to look at it. A way to analyze the problem more completely.

If it was me I would go. You may never another chance like this and its so true that the world is a much smaller place these days.

Live for yourself, that should make all your loved ones happy.

Take care,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#7858 - 08/31/03 02:32 AM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I feel your struggle. I left my home country to come here to USA 5 1/2 years ago. Did not speak the language so much, and knew no one here. It is hard thing to do, to leave behind people or person who love you. But ultimate, it must be your choice, you are adult, and it is your life, not hers. It is your life, even if you make choice to end it. But I would hate for conflict over a decision to be what cause that to happen. I think you are capable of finding what makes YOU happy, and not feel guilty of how it make others feel. I wish you much luck, and wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#7859 - 08/31/03 02:44 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello David,

It is wonderful that you have a most loving family--where you are now, with your Mother, and with your Auntan Uncle and their son.

Children not only grow up--they grow away. Parents know that. Often, parents themselves went away from thier hometown.

You have received really good advice in the posts of your brothers here. I think it is a really good idea to think about "what if you don't go." You are young, and I presume healthy. You have a job offer from your Uncle, and you love the part of the country you want to go to.

It seems to me that going would be good.

Knock off those suicide thoughts. They can be dangerous. Not because we would ever act on them. But dangerous because they put stress on us and we have expectations of how things could, would or should be.

PEace to you David

PS Happy birthday ahead of time

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#7860 - 08/31/03 08:04 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Daid:

Quote:
The problem that stands before me. I'm 26 (as of Sept. 4th) and I still live at home. Never been away from home for more then 2 weeks at a time. My mom is pretty close to me. It'll devastate her if I go. I don't want to stay in Ontario. I want to move to Alberta, but I don't want to hurt my mother.
Like the others said look at it from the other side.

Another thing too. Your mother really loves you. You are going to live to the fullest out there. Does that mean she cannot visit or maybe someday move too. I think not.

Now I am a native of Alberta, near Pincher Creek. It is a wonderful province like every other province we are blessed to have in Canada.

Start the adventure. You will love it. And brng your mother for visits. You are a lucky lucky man to have a caring and loving family like you do.

Suicide!!!! My brother dont even go there. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. You have everything to live for. God I wish I had had family like you. Now I have my wife Nicole and my daughter Tanya.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#7861 - 09/01/03 12:04 AM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Dave, it's David.

You know, I had a similar situation when I was 19. I was indecisive about getting my military obligation out of the way or staying in a failing student mode. My sister gave me the best advice I've ever gotten from her. She said, "Why don't you talk to my counselor?"
Once I did that and shared some of my fears about "staying vs. going," it was much easier for me to decide to make the move and get on with my life. Looking back on that time, I can tell you, that move probably not only saved my life but also gave me a new life, as well.
Listen to your good brothers, here, talk to a good therapist, and you'll find yourself making a decision that will make you happy and healthy.

One of your other brothers,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#7862 - 09/01/03 12:44 PM Re: is this what it's like to be human?
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
Thanks for all the support guys.

I just came back from camping with my family. It was a long weekend, but it went pretty good. My parents seem a little more understanding....they don't want to lynch me for wanting to go out there. My sister is guilting me HUGE.....but that's life.

I want this so bad....it's almost like I'm home sick....to be out there. If that makes any sense. I don't know if I'll see this as a rite of passage....maybe it's like...finally, I'm outta their house and living on my own, making money of my own. I dunno. I just know I want this to happen. I find myself thinking ALL the time....about my family out ther, and living with them....my cousin wants to teach me how to snow board so that he and I can drive up to Alaska and snowboard there....we both want to learn to white water Kayak....we both like hiking and back country camping....my uncle has wanted to take me to the mountains snow mobiling for the past 3 years (ever since I took his sled and opened it wide open and was going 160km/hour in the back field). There is so much to do out there. I also keep wondering to myself....if I move out, will I become a little more outgoing. Will my negative spin on life right now change around and will I become more positive? Will I lose some weight and gain some energy? Will my life become better?

I don't know the answers to this stuff. I wish I had a crystal ball to look up all the answers, but regretably, I don't. When I got home from camping this morning, there was an e-mail from my Aunt. One of the things she passed on to me was that my uncle "says you are trying to plan this out too much again. Just find out if it's what you want first and then the rest will fall in place." It's hard to do.....trying to leap without being able to see the water....but I guess that's what I have to do!

Thanks again guys.

Dave


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