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#78121 - 12/27/05 12:46 AM Me guesss
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
This little boy screaming and scared.
He scurries away from your presence. Why?
Because you are a man, any man but not all men.

The biggest fear in my life was to grow up and do the things that my abusers did, but I was a little boy who thought that this was his path in life.

I cried a flood of tears in church when I stood in front of the mosaic of Our Lady, showering shards of fire on the wicked, and to me, who was the wicked little boy, it was hard.

My guilt surfaced long ago when I blamed myself for it happening and how I was too scared to tell the cops just how bad it really was.

I just guessed that the cops did not take it that serious at the time.

I felt so guilty not having him caught, and somehow blaming myself for what happened.

I only found officially that it was not reported recently which brought back a whole load of guilt that I forgot about.

There was the guilt of not protecting my family, as he said he would kill them, not protecting other kids from a maniac roaming around.

To a kid like I was then, these threats would have been so real, but nobody talked me through them, so I was lost in confusion.

I go back to that traumatic kid, and he cowers so much some days, and all he ever knew then, was that few people really knew him, but those who did got a good friend I suppose.

He was the little boy who tried so hard to just be a boy in a World tossed between miracles and nightmares.

I just feel like the invisible boy, who nobody wants to know unless he lets you in, and he craves affection but never know how to relate the right signals without sex getting in the way.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#78122 - 12/27/05 04:53 AM Re: Me guesss
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I'm so sorry ste. Your story could belong to any one of us. I see in you so much love, and compassion, and pain. I'd like to be able to just wisk all the pain away for you and leave in it's place only the love and compassion.

One thing tho, at least I think it's true in my own life, and that is that without the pain I perhaps would not be able to be the loving and compassionate person that I seem to be. Does that make any sense?

Since this is the spirituality forum I think I will share this with you. Scripture says that a day is coming when God himself will wipe away all the tears from our eyes and there will be no more pain, or sorrow or crying.

I look forward to that day, Friend. I so look forward to it.

(((((((((ste)))))))))

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#78123 - 12/27/05 05:47 AM Re: Me guesss
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ste,

I hope you can see that Little Ste was only doing what he had to do in order to survive. He isn't to blame for any of what was done to him, and it was never his responsibility at such a young age to protect anyone else. His abuser, like all the others, was filling him with empty lies and threats; it was part of the power trip of terrorizing a child.

The little boy tried so hard, as you say, and he needs and deserves your affection and love. I hope you will give those things to him. He is still with you and he needs them so badly. Please don't judge him or yourself.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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