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#78116 - 12/24/05 04:38 PM I Found Christmas
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
I will be presenting the following at the Christmas Eve service at church tonight. The paragraph about the 3000 men will be changed but other than that this is it. I'm sure I'll get mixed reactions.

Merry Christmas

Darrel

____________________

I Found Christmas

The Christmas season is my favorite time of year. Really it is. I love the lights, the trees and the snowmen. I love the crisp cold air and the ice on my windshield. I love giving gifts, and yes, I will admit it, I love getting them. I love saying ďMerry ChristmasĒ to my friends and hearing them return the greeting. I love seeing the nativity displays with the Baby in the manger.

So if I love Christmas so much, why are my eyes filled with tears? Why this nagging pain in my heart that never goes away? And why does it always hurt a little more at this time of year? And every year when I feel the ache in my heart start to grow, why do I push it down, why do I ignore it, why do I put a smile on my face and pretend it doesnít exist. Well, Iím not going to do it this year; Iím not going to ignore it any longer. Iím going to share that pain this year. Iím going to let you look into places deep in my heart where few have ever seen, and it is my desire that when you see the pain that has lived in my heart for more than forty years, you will also find the same hope that I have found.

I will tell you first of the Civil Air Patrol shack by the little airport on a dark foggy night. The light of the beacon, passing through the window every few seconds, one time white one time green. I see a little boy there huddled in the cold, he knows what is coming and hates it with every ounce of his being, but has accepted it because he has no options. And of the horrors that happened there at the hand of one I loved, I had no one to tell except my little Chihuahua dog who cried with me and licked away my tears.

I will tell you of the grown men, nearly 3,000 of them who cry on a regular basis and daily deal with feelings of shame and self-doubt. Daily they endure pain that makes a kidney stone feel like a picnic. The memory will not fade; the wound will not heal. No I have never seen their tears, but I have felt their pain and cried with them as I read what they post in public where anybody can see: so desperate is their need to he heard and to find love and acceptance.

I will tell you of a Baby born to be abused. He was not born in a pretty nativity scene like the one down at the church. It was an old barn, complete with all the filth and stench one would expect to find there. At what age the abuse started I have no idea, but start it did. The good book says that he was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. It is my belief that Jesus knew what it felt like to have sin done to him. He knew first hand the sorrow and grief that accompanies abuse.

Where was God when I went through hell in that shack by the airport and every pain-filled day thereafter? Iíll tell you where he was. He was in the very same place he was when his very own son, Jesus, lived in this world. He was right there beside meÖJust like he was beside his son. The Passion of Christ was not the only time Christ suffered; rather it was the culmination of a lifetime of pain, sorrow and abuse.

And I canít comprehend how it works, but somehow, someway, because of the pain God went through in the person of Jesus Christ; I can experience healing. Jesus came to this world to bring good news to the poor; he came to heal the broken hearted, to give deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, he came to set at liberty those who are bruised.

One day, every evil, ugly thing that has ever happened to every one of Godís children will be made right. The perpetrators of this evil will get their just reward, but what brings me the most joy is the knowledge that one day there will be no more pain, there will be no more tears. Abuse in all its ugly forms will be no more. In spite of the fact that my heart feels the pain more keenly during the Christmas season, my heart truly is filled with the Joy of the Season because of the Baby born in Bethlehem.

Yes, I do believe Iíve found Christmas!

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#78117 - 12/24/05 06:36 PM Re: I Found Christmas
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Darrel,

It's a beautiful testament and it's a brave thing you will be doing this evening. Thanks for sharing this with us, and for joining us here on the site.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78118 - 12/25/05 12:28 AM Re: I Found Christmas
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
merry christmas, i got a gift this year ,i found two friends who have trusted me with their deepest secrets ,and shared mine .they gave openly without any expectation of anything in return ,they reached out to someone who is almost beyond reach even though i 'm not doing to good i can see the spirit of chtristmas lives in them everyday ,caring giving ,loving with out getting anything back isn't that what christmas is all about? thanks larry and darrel,for giving me a reason to try even if i can't win . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#78119 - 12/25/05 03:49 AM Re: I Found Christmas
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
You can win, Adam. You WILL win! I have been somewhat bitter at God for years, but after reading Darrel's post, I think I may understand God a little bettre this Christmas. Thank you Darrel.

Thank all of the men here are Male Survivor. I hate to think where I would be now if not for the love and support of my brothers here. I thank God for each of you and pray that each of you find peace this coming year.

Never give up, Adam. Remember, you WILL win! We'll do all we can here to help see that you do.


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#78120 - 12/25/05 06:36 AM Re: I Found Christmas
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
I, got a very positive response from the people at church tonight. Thanks to everyone of you here who have been so much support to me, I could not have done it without you guys.

And Adam It was you who got me started on this topic with your post on finding christmas. Thanks so very much for your inspiration.

Love all you guys and merry Christmas!

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#267918 - 12/19/08 12:09 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Derdlecar]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
I don't post much on the sight anymore, but the MaleSurvivor website and all the people here are still very important to me. And because it is the Christmas season and because I once again am feeling the nagging pain start to grow, I read this post again because I wanted to remind myself of the true meaning of Christmas. So while I was here I decided to bump it back to the top and say. . . . .

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#267928 - 12/19/08 12:39 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Derdlecar]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2449
Loc: TEXAS
Greetings Derdlecar, and fellow brothers/friends in this web site and on this page. Maybe this lost boy, just might have found some religious hope, when I was the one who severed all contact years ago with HIM. I kinda love Christmas too, especially when I see my two grand kids 8&9 and their school friends celebrating their school Christmas party. When I see those boys singing those Christmas carols, with purity in body and soul, when you see their love for each other and the anticipation of "Santa Claus", and when you see them pause at the Crib where that BOY was born and when they tell their grandpa that they love him always and forever, their greatest Christmas is their love for me and mine for them. Not a commercial gift, but a GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Heal well my friends/brothers, and a very healing, blessed Christmas to you all.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#267976 - 12/19/08 05:17 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: petercorbett]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
This post is great. It really helps put things into a spritual light that also reflects the light of earthly reality.

Additionally, I am both happy and saddened by the earthly reality that follows. Is it really possible that in three short years, the 3000 is now 6000 plus? More than double? That is sad that so many, like me, need to be here. What I am happy about though, is that 3000 plus more men, like me, and their supporters, found a place to feel accepted, believed and supported, and loved after feeling alone for so long. I'm really happy about that. smile

Merry Christmas to all!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#268012 - 12/19/08 09:45 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Geeders]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi Darrel,

It is really good to see you.

Thanks for bumping up your story. It is a powerful testement to Gods work in your life.

The story has same effect on me as it did in 2005,it is timeless.

Blessing to you and your family including your brother smile smile

Take Care, Jim



Edited by healing_inside (12/20/08 12:46 AM)
Edit Reason: to remove wrong wording
_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#268021 - 12/19/08 10:54 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: healing_inside]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi Brother smile

Thanks for popping in and saying HI smile

Thanks for all the support you've been to me over the years. When I look back over the years and the results of the things that happened to us in that shack out there by the airport I sometimes ache with pain and regret, but then I realize that we're in a different place now; a much better place.

That shack and the man that took us there no longer have the power to hurt and control and while there may be transitory pain at the remembrance of those events that pain only serves to strengthen our resolve to help make it so that other children don't have to go through the things we did.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#268166 - 12/21/08 03:42 AM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Darrel and John,

I remember the two of you returning to that terrible place a few years ago with Dwayne and discovering that the shack is gone. It no longer existed, but you two have grown up to become two good strong men who have reached out in the world and touched the lives of other hurting guys in so many positive ways.

There is so much yet to be done. We are now 6000 as opposed to the 3000 of late 2005, and even that number hardly scratches the surface of the harm that continues to be done to defenseless innocent boys all around us in the world. We need the kind of example you set, and I hope yours continues to inspire and encourage others now and in the future, just as it has over the past three years.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#268254 - 12/21/08 09:44 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: roadrunner]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Jim,

It's good to see you too! I have not posted on the site much in the last year and a half. I really don't know just why, probably I was just busy doing other things. (I'll post more on that later.) I have stopped by from time to time and read posts tho.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#268256 - 12/21/08 10:02 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Derdlecar]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
John,

You are very welcome, and many thanks for you too! Having you for my brother has made life a lot easier to handle.

I've been thinking about that old shack quite a bit the last few days and there are several things that I am thankful for when it come to that old shack. Here they are.

1. It's not there anymore.

2. The taxi guy who took us there is disabled.

3. The wounds we received there are healing.

And here is the big one.

4. WE WERE NEVER TAKEN THERE TOGETHER!!!

I am so very glad that you did not have to see what he did to me.

Love ya Brother
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

Top
#268258 - 12/21/08 10:24 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Derdlecar]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Larry,

The very thought that there are more than 6000 of us, the fact that there is a need for a website such as MaleSurvivor.org, and like you say, the 6000 hardly scratches the surface, it's all quite overwhelming.

I'm working on a project that I think can touch the lives of many and when I look at the big picture, I realize that this too will only be a drop in the bucket when compared to the magnitude of the problem. One could get discouraged, but do you know what? I can touch the lives of those in my sphere of influence. I can make a difference to them. If we all bloom where we are planted, we can fill the world with flowers. To me, this is exciting. I don't have to do it all myself.

And Larry, I want to also thank you for the support you have given me over the last three years.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

Top
#268262 - 12/21/08 11:32 PM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: Derdlecar]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2449
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Again all above. Darrel, I have read your post over and over since my last post on it. You have given me hope, you probably have given my answer on where was God. A while back I wrote a letter Trusting God No Longer, pertaining to where was HE for ME, where was HIS Mother? It is posted in the spirituality site. But the more I read your posting, the more I realise that it was me who gave up on HIM. He had taken this young boy into His care by being in a Catholic orphanage/Home, there I was protected from all of my perpetrators, including my "mother", for atleast 9 months of the year, for 4 years. But the more compassion, understanding and love that I receive from those of us boys who are now MEN, I can see that God sure plays a huge part in our recovery. I should have paid more attention to my AA book and meetings about a "higher" power, even then I did not choose GOD, I chose my 4 year old son, but until recently I never gave GOD credit. But now I realise that HE was working through my 4 year old boy. And now I realise that Little Pete & Big Peter owe him our very existence, as HE was always there. From the depths of this screwed up soul of mine, Thanks. Heal well. I wish you a very Blessed Christmas and day of healing.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#268280 - 12/22/08 08:56 AM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: petercorbett]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Pete,

I am so very glad to hear that you were blessed by my post. To me, that is what MaleSurvivor is all about, we share what has worked for us and others benefit.

And you have a very Blessed Christmas too!

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#268864 - 12/27/08 03:23 AM Re: I Found Christmas [Re: WalkingSouth]
1love4christ Offline


Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 46
Loc: ca, usa
thanks for sharing, great testimony and you are absolutely right, God was there with jesus while suffering the worst persecution of paying the debt of sin.

_________________________
nestor

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