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#78072 - 11/29/05 03:49 AM When I See Jesus
Happy Birthday Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
When the pain gets to be too much, I use my imagination and let it wander to a better place. There are many places I go with my imagination, and below is my favorite.

What will it be like when I see Jesus? What thoughts will go through my head when he looks into my eyes? Will I be able to hold his gaze, or will I hang my head in shame? I don’t know. I can use my imagination, but I’m sure it falls far short of being any thing like the reality.

I do know this however. I will cry! My body will shake with great sobs as all the pain of a lifetime is released. The tears will be big ones and my nose will run. I know this to be true because He promised to wipe away my tears and if I don’t cry, there won’t be any tears to wipe away, and He won’t be able to keep his promise.

As I imagine it, I feel Him touch my shoulder, and when I look up his arms are open wide and with no hesitation at all, I throw myself into them. He hugs me tight and holds my head close against His chest. In my right ear, I hear the sweetest sound ever heard, slow and steady:

Thump-bump . . . thump-bump . . . thump-bump . . . thump-bump . . .

He continues to hold me close, and the tears just flow like a river and fall right there, close to my Saviors heart. As the moments pass, my soul finds rest. The sobbing lessens and then stops altogether. He takes my face between his hands and gently turns it up towards his. And for the first time I see my Savior face to face.

“You’re blurry,” I hear myself saying.

“So are you,” He laughs through the tears in His own eyes. Then with those strong, gentle, nail pierced hands, he wipes away my tears and I realize that they will never return. At that moment I feel a joyous thrill to the very depths of my soul.

WOW!!! What exhilaration! What Joy! What Peace! I find my self dancing and jumping just because I feel so light and so happy.
I look back into His sparkling brown eyes and see those lines at the edges that mean laughter is about ready to spill over. He grabs me and hugs me close once more. All Heaven rings with the sound of his laughter. As He holds me close and laughs, I can feel His joy coming from deep within His very heart, and I too began to laugh. “My child, my precious child, do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment?”

We clasp hands and dance together. Round and round we go dancing to the rhythm of the music as the angels start to sing. And what a party we have! And Jesus wipes away everyone’s tears and dances with us all. The music and singing go on and on. And so shall we ever be with the Lord.

I hope you like this place.

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#78073 - 11/29/05 06:16 AM Re: When I See Jesus
Rivers Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 67
Loc: PA -USA
wow, what a picture!
Riv

_________________________
The sum of a man's life is... His ability and capasity to love and value others.

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#78074 - 11/29/05 06:32 AM Re: When I See Jesus
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
I hope that's what its like ...

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#78075 - 11/29/05 12:58 PM Re: When I See Jesus
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Darrel,

It's great to see someone with this much spiritual confidence - something I entirely lack. It's pretty triggering for me, so I hardly ever even think about it. My abuser was an expert in pumping out shame and humilation, so I guess I am still laboring along with that burden.

Anyway, thanks for posting this. It gives us a lot to think about.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78076 - 11/29/05 01:00 PM Re: When I See Jesus
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Have you been looking for me?

Today, I looked at the mirror
and the guy inside stared at me.

He looked straight into my eyes
and I recognized them instantly.

They were the same eyes
that stared at me
when I stared at Thee.

Is it you who peers thru me?

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#78077 - 12/01/05 12:48 AM Re: When I See Jesus
Rivers Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 67
Loc: PA -USA
Darrel,
I want to share this dream I had with you. It seems to resinate with your picture.

A few years back I was really struggling with my identy as a man and the overpowering homosexual feelings I was experiencing. One night I dreamed that I was in a large gym that was also a church - on the second floor balcony there were tables for people to sit and sip coffee, or have iced tea etc... I sat there in a quandry over my sexual issues - still not fully aware of all the abuse I had as a child, but knowing deep down inside that something was amiss. I knew I wasn't born gay but couldn't quite figure it out. Jesus came to my table. He sat down and looked into my eyes... I couldn't believe it was Him... I felt that he stared right through me. I was going to turn my head in shame but couldn't seem to take my eyes off Him. I felt the shame of my life, my struggles. My sin, was very present with me... then self justification and then blame... guilt and all the feeling of this life. I was expecting Jesus to cast me from His presence but instead... I felt completely loved.... completely accepted. I felt the most whole I'd ever felt in my life. This continued for several minutes but seemed timeless at the same time. I asked Him not to leave me and that I have heard others say they felt this kind of love but I never experience it myself. He spoke to me in the most sincere and profound way, with a tangible love that I can not quite put my finger on... He said "If you ever need me like this again - I'll be here." To this day, I think about that dream - it seemed so real. I woke up feeling like I was so clean and fresh - like I was newly born and innocent that feeling lasted for a few days and I feel like I am at the same place of needing Him as I go through the horrible memories that have sufaced over this past year.

I am sorry for all the men who have endured abuse by the hands of ministers or "Christians." My deepest and sincerest sympathy to you... but I would be hard pressed to think of Jesus in this catagory of abusers. More like the devil in Jesus appearl just to make havoc and disgrace His name and character. These are my feelings - as a survivor. I weep for you as fellow survivors and I wish I could take your clergy and Christian abuses from you and heal your wounded hearts from these travisties. Those who have abused behind the robes of priests and collars of clergy were wolves in shepherds clothing... devouring the precious little ones. It would be better for a millstone to be hung around their necks and cast into the sea.

_________________________
The sum of a man's life is... His ability and capasity to love and value others.

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