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#78056 - 11/17/05 04:53 PM Morning Talk with God
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Ah, God. Here we go on another day. I don't know what to think of them any more. You've certainly taught me one thing, since starting this amazing journey down memory lane: nothing's gonna ever be quite the same. I wake up every morning wondering what new and wonderful revelation will be in store for me today...that's sarcasm, God.

You know I've learned a lot...that is, after I almost killed myself, and completely changed my concept of who my family was, and came out of the closet as a gay guy, and quit my job, and found out I was bi-polar, and had PTSD. That part was a little tough. But, I learned that I hadn't really been depressed and down and had absolutely no self esteem and been totally mixed up about my sexuality and had trouble in situations that seemed natural for other people, for nothing. There was a reason for everything. I wasn't some freak of nature...some defective form of DNA. I had been injured...profoundly, and by someone who was supposed to have protected me.

That realization helped for a week...maybe two. Then, I was still me, and I had just told eleventy million people that I was gay, and now I wasn't too sure. So, I decided to stay gay, because to tell them that I was straight now, and then later to decide I was gay again seemed a little unfair. And I realized that, while it was great to understand why I was me, well, I was still me. Only now, instead of just being this weird sad guy who would live his life out as this weird sad guy, I knew that I could get over all of this if I really tried. I felt obligated to do that.

And this getting over being who I was has been a lot harder than it would have been to just stay who I was. Some days have just not seemed worth it. Of course, some days didn't seem worth it before, so I'm pretty much breaking even in the "this is not worth it" department. And some things have gotten much better. I have found that there are other people like me...and I really like them. I love most of them. They are kind and caring and loving and view life as only one can who has been knocked around by it a lot and still stayed around to get knocked around another day or two. They understand how life works and what things are really important and how to care about someone else. And they wish someone had been there to help them understand what was happening to them when they were knocked around the first time. And, most of all, I feel like that, if they are who they are, and if I feel like I'm like them, that there's a chance that I'm that kind of person, too...and I like that part...a lot. And another thing...I am not so alone any more. I understand that I created my own alone to protect myself, and that now, there's a chance that, one day, I'll let someone inside and find out what it's like not to be alone. And I think that, if just one person gets in here, I'll probably be able to let a lot of people in, and that we can have just one hell of a party in here. And I really hope they all get in here before I die, because the decorations are up and the food is ready...and I'd hate to see all of that work go to waste. And, I know that, if I ever become who I was supposed to be, that I will be magnificent, because I will finally be me, and just about everyone is magnificent when they are finally them. And one day I want to really actually hold my head up when I walk around, and smile, and worry about the other guy and how he's feeling, instead of always worrying about what someone thinks of me. I know it's selfish to always worry that someone is thinking negative thoughts about me, but I don't know how to not do that.

I want so much to be rid of this burden, this heavy weight, that I seem to be carrying everywhere I go. I can't understand why I'm not some sort of muscle man, I've been carrying it for so long. But then, I guess I am some sort of mental muscle man. After all, I've been two completely different people all my life. I've been the real guy inside hiding, and the fake guy outside living. I did that for so long that I sort of forgot who was who. All I knew was that neither one of them was whole, and both of them were in a lot of pain.

I'm really not negative, God. I'm really not. I jumped into this getting better thing with everything I had, and I really think I've walked through fire so far. It's been absolutely awful sometimes...most times. And even though I was surrounded by wonderful people and have found even more wonderful people here, you really have to fight this battle alone. The ones who love you can help you pick up the pieces after the skirmishes, and can hold you and love you and help you heal your wounds,and let you cry. But, when that stuff starts happening inside you, it's usually in the middle of the night, when everything is dark, and you are all alone. It's then, that you have to put on your armor and dive down in there and find out who your devil is and what your devil looks like and stand your ground and fight him and tell him he can't do those things to you ever again. And to do that, you have to remember what those things were, and sometimes you have to experience those things all over again, and sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. I hate the losing times, because you have to face those over again...and sometimes even again. I hate the pain. But, most of all, I hate having to hate the people I was supposed to love and knowing that, even if they loved me, they didn't love me enough not to use me.

So, here I go on another day. I will try to be happy today, God, but it ain't lookin' good, and I've only been up about a half hour. I want to be happy because it just feels better that way, and I don't like the look in my wife's eyes when she asks me if I'm going to be "that" way again today, or maybe we'll have one of the "up" days. It's gotten so that I try to hide this as much as possible, but I'm afraid most days, that's not very possible.

But I'm going to get there, God. See how positive I'm trying to be? And I'm trying not to hate you, or blame you or anything. But there are times when that part is tough, too. There are times, when I want to direct my anger at you and yell at you and ask you why you did this to me? And then I have to remind myself, that every human being has his own struggle and this just happens to be mine. I hope you understand it when I hate you as much as I hate him because I think you let him do those things to me.

So, off I go. Once I drink my cup of coffee, all bets are off, and I'm on my way. My day will have begun. Be with me today, God. I'm getting better, I really am, but I can't do it without you. And the ones who love me? Thank you for sending them. Amen

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#78057 - 11/17/05 06:58 PM Re: Morning Talk with God
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Bobby,
That is such profound writing! You're an amazing man to be able to put into words what you feel...and consequently, what a lot of us feel.

I've learned (though I don't always apply) that God most helps us when we let go. When we let him take control and not just have him as our co-pilot. I'm sure you've seen those bumper stickers that say "God is my co-pilot." It really should be the other way around..."God is my pilot in life...I'm just the co-pilot." Have you heard then new song from Carrie Underwood from American Idol (again, a guilty pleasure of mine...see thread in Off-Topic)--the song is called Jesus Take the Wheel. It's beautiful and the meaning is so applicable to our lives. I had to pull to the side of the road to cry the first time I heard it.

Anyway, I'm veering off your topic. I love what you said but in it you are still trying to drive (or at least that's what I hear). Try to give this all to God...he will take control and help us. \:\)

Take care of you, Bobby! And God Bless!!
tx_space


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#78058 - 11/17/05 07:57 PM Re: Morning Talk with God
AuthenticMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/05
Posts: 287
Bobby,

What a beautiful, inspiring post. You put into words exactly how I feel.

Thank you for being a model of courage.

_________________________
I am a Man.

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#78059 - 11/18/05 02:50 AM Re: Morning Talk with God
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Thank-you Bobby. That was incredibly powerful. You speak eloquently of the mental anguish and conflict with which many of us are so familiar.

God bless you as you continue on the journey.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#78060 - 11/18/05 06:41 AM Re: Morning Talk with God
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
GOD, WHAT DO I SAY TO YOU?

God, I don't know what to say,
to you.

Hope this will do, for you.
Hope you'd dont mind,
me saying nothing
to you.

Hope you can understand
I am just trying to make it thru,
my day.

Though I still don’t know what to say.
I know you love me, this way.

That's why,I love you.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#78061 - 11/18/05 07:35 PM Re: Morning Talk with God
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Bobby,

To me its great that you can have this type of conversation with God. To be honest with how you feel.

My own relationship with God reminds me of the story of Jacob who wrestled/fought all night until the break of dawn with an Angel. I feel at times I'm wrestling with my faith ... with God. And yes sometimes I just have to rant at God ... and tell him what he already knows.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#78062 - 11/19/05 01:37 AM Re: Morning Talk with God
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Bobby

Thanks for this post. You too? Sounds like me.

Quote:
And even though I was surrounded by wonderful people and have found even more wonderful people here, you really have to fight this battle alone. The ones who love you can help you pick up the pieces after the skirmishes, and can hold you and love you and help you heal your wounds,and let you cry.
There's this big red headed guy i know who throws his arms around me and gives me a hug. He out weighs me by at least 100 pounds and is quite a bit taller. He too is a MS. His hugs bring healing. Sometimes he cries, sometimes I cry and often we both cry. We pick up the pieces in each other's lives.

I have found that people here also help in that job because sometimes, it is a job and takes more than one person. You and others here have really been big plus in my life just in the short time I've been here. Also, I find that being there for people and helping pick up the pieces to be very rewarding.

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#78063 - 11/19/05 06:43 AM Re: Morning Talk with God
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Derdlecar, the big red headed guy ever travel east? One of those big bear hugs sounds really good right now. \:\)

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#78064 - 11/21/05 05:01 AM Re: Morning Talk with God
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Today, I gave my
a BIG bear hug
and felt so free.

Then,
I picked up
the little boy
that is me
and placed him
on my altar
to allow Him to
heal me.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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