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#78039 - 11/13/05 09:44 PM Me and God
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
I suppose this post should go in this forum since it might be triggering to some, especially if they feel disinfranchised from God as a result of abuse by people who claim to represent God.

Last evening (Saturday Night) the men's chorus I sing in had a couple of concerts in southern Oregon. Because our programs are basicaly religious in nature these concerts were given in churches. Between songs different members of the chours take the microphone and give a personal testimony of what God has done in their lives. The following is what I had to say last night. It is not a statement of the road that I think the rest of you should take. It is a very personal statement of my life and what I feel God has done for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi, my name is John, and I'd like to share with you something of what God has done for me in my life.

This is the story of a little boy. A little boy who, by the time he got to be 3 or 4 years old, began to realize that the people who were supposed to nurture and protect him, although they did that, sometimes did quite the opposite, and he experienced emotional and sometimes physical abuse at their hands.

As a result of that abuse he found himself retreating into a fantasy world where there were only children who loved and cared for one another, puppy dogs, teddy bears, and the occasional visiting Grandma.

As the months and years rolled by he found himself starved for affection and attention. When he was 6 1/2 years old he found that attention in the form of a teenage boy who was twice his age. It was then he learned that the things that happen in secret are the things from which nightmares are made.

As the years rolled by toward adulthood, he experienced the self loathing and self hatred that the kind of abuse he suffered can bring into a childs life. It was during those years that he learned and cultivated what he believed to be the only way of escape from the things that had happened to him, and that was to his anesthetize his pain with forgetfulness. By the time he married and started his own family, there were huge gaps of time missing from his memories of childhood.

I found a poem a while back that I'd like to share with you.

Who Will Cry for the Little Boy?

Who will cry for the little boy?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Abandoned without his own.

Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died again and again.

Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who cries inside of me.

Antwone Fisher


Friends, I am that little boy.

People have asked me why I share in such a public manner things like this that are obviously so painful to me.

My answer is this. There are two reasons really, the first is that if I can help prevent what happened to me from happening to another child, or if I can help someone discover the path toward healing, then my suffering will not have been in vain.

The second reason is the following:

As I contemplated the question asked by the poem, I began to understand that the poet had not answered the question, but had left it up to the reader to provide the answer in his own way. As I thought about that, a picture began to develop in my mind of our Lord, alone, in the Garden of Gethsemane, flat out on the ground weeping.

As I saw him there like that in my minds eye, I heard him pleading, "Father, I can't go through with this. There's no way I can possibly do what we had planned."

I like to think that at that point Father and Son together, looked down accross the centuries and saw the little boy, alone, huddled in the corner of his room, holding his little dog close, and crying into its fur.

It is then that Father and Son look at each other and nod as Jesus says "We need to do this, don't we?" and the Father looks back at him and nods saying, "Yes, we do."

And the crowd came, and took him away, and brutalized him. Then they stretched out his arms and nailed him to the cross and hung him there while they went off, leaving him to die.

And why did he allow this to happen to himself? He allowed it so that this little boy's shattered heart could be made whole.

That is why I'm willing to tell my story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our chours then sings a song about the Cross.

Folks, it's not easy, but I've reached the place in my life where I can no longer remain silent about child abuse of any kind. I am compelled to speak up regardless of any personal pain involved.

Guys, I don't consider myself to be any better than any of the rest of you. In fact I still have a great deal of self doubt and often times self loathing, but I know that I have a God who cares about me and about my life, both past and present.

Thanks for listening to me.

Courage my friends,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#78040 - 11/14/05 05:56 AM Re: Me and God
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Oh my brother,

I love you, I too took my turn huddled in that same cornor holding the same little dog and crying. And I know that Jesus saw both of us. (I sure miss Penny.)

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#78041 - 11/14/05 06:44 AM Re: Me and God
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
John, this is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read, thank you for sharing this. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#78042 - 11/14/05 06:48 AM Re: Me and God
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
John - That's a very powerful testimony. Thanks for posting it here for us to see as well. And you're right - you were never, ever alone and God does care about and love each one of us. I don't understand a lot of it, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be for now.

_________________________
Eddie

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#78043 - 11/14/05 04:10 PM Re: Me and God
Rivers Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 67
Loc: PA -USA
John,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I feel like I am gaining the courage everyday to be able to one day share my testimony and about the healing process that God has taken me through.

There was a man who came to our church years back who did a "Child Sexual Abuse" prevention seminar... you would have thought that I of all people in our church would have been 100 percent right on it.. but at that point in my life - I was still too ashamed to admit anything had happened to me.. denial was built in me so stong that I didn't even let myself get moved by it.

Keep up the good work, bro
Rivers

_________________________
The sum of a man's life is... His ability and capasity to love and value others.

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#78044 - 11/15/05 04:09 AM Re: Me and God
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
John,

I just sent you a PM, then I read this. I very rarely come in this forum, because I have issues with God. I pray for others, but I felt a long time ago that He didn't answer my prayers for myself. I was always taught that if I was good, God would watch out for me. Well I must have been awfully bad, because I went thru my share of Hell. It was like I could not be good enough. I felt He had given up on me. I was alone.

For some reason, I came in this forum tonight. Maybe I am not alone. Your post makes sense to me. Like Eddie, I am still confused, but I have to believe there is something bigger awaiting us one day. Your post gives me that hope, John. You are a brave man! I admire you a lot.

Thanks


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#78045 - 11/15/05 04:36 AM Re: Me and God
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You for this post John

It gives me a whole new way to look at the time in which I spent huddled w/ my dog under the bed or in the closet...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#78046 - 11/15/05 08:57 AM Re: Me and God
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Guys,

I am humbled by your response. Each of you has played a part in my ability to share that. You have each touched my life in a positive way which gives me the courage to speak out.

And TJ? It was you that showed me the poem by having it in your signature line. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. It is my life in a box. But I could not leave the little boy alone with no one to cry for him. I had to find the answer to the question. Thank you so much for providing me with a vehicle with which to make my way out of the darkness.

Much Love to you, Brothers.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#78047 - 11/15/05 09:41 AM Re: Me and God
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

That is an amazing testament to a remarkable man. It takes a special kind of courage to be able to say these things to a public audience. I hope one day I will be able to do that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#78048 - 11/16/05 04:04 PM Re: Me and God
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Left on the cross

One day I asked Jesus
Did you feel lonely,
when they hung you
on the cross
and walked away?

No, He said
Because that was when
God hung with me.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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