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#7712 - 09/23/02 11:33 PM Thank you
Anonymous
Unregistered


Ok, I was told to post it here....so here it is......

Ok, I wanted to thank everyone for your responses. I do value your opinions on this matter. You are the only "normal" people I know. You know what it is like to be through this. You know what the hurts are like, the irrational thoughts, the panic attacks, the anger, the sadness, the shame, the self-loathing, the always questioning of whether I did something to provoke this kind of response. I do value your brotherhood and friendship, especially because I dont say it enough and you still look out for me.

With that said, I am working out in my own head my course of action. I have some ideas of what I will do, but they are all dependent on several factors that I hope will work out in the next couple of weeks. I took my SATs early and I am awaiting my results. normally they don't have them this early around here, but there was a site that was giving it to kids that are expecting a baby. So I managed to sneak into the program with their permission once I told them what was going on in my life.

I think I did well on them, but you can never tell. So I just have to wait and see. The language section was pretty easy, and the math section wasn't too bad either. I am just looking into a couple of options I have and am hoping for a couple of miracles in the process too. But I know I have a few choices at my fingertips thanks to some of your suggestions.

I have thought about the possibility of turning in my mom for abuse, but it would only hurt her and me in the process. My school here is too small, like my town. And I will just forgive them for their small-mindedness and try to move on. I could do more and maybe make some changes here, but the effort is too great for me to handle right now. Maybe after I get my degrees and place established in a more normal community I can fight the battles so that other kids wont have to endure this hatred, grief, and suffering.

But for now, I am counting most of this forsaken county as a loss. As far as my home goes, this as you know is a hard decision for me to make. It is the only place I feel comfort and familiarity in my life. It has been a hell and a heaven at the same time. So I am still wrestling with this predicament. I have thought about just moving out and going to a city to start over. I may be young, but I am resourceful. Some of you mentioned the money issue. Trust me when I say I have enough for a year. I have enough to live off of, more than what some make in a year. And, I have the means to earn more, just not the most preferred ways of making a living.

I am trying to focus on new things that I can do with my new life so that I don't dwell on the fear that keeps me at bay. I am trying to focus on career options and education surrounding them. I would love to be a priest in the Roman Catholic Church. Yes I know they have a bad reputation right now, but I know of many good ones as role models. But me being a priest is laughable if you know my sinfulness and the problems I face today acting out. But remember those miracles I was talking about? I don't know if I will ever be normal, but then I have yet to meet anyone that is normal. We are so different in our beliefs and struggles, that I think in some circles I might even fit in, even with my brokeness. I am just going to trust that factperson is wrong here. Because one day I am praying that I will have the strength, courage, and ability to love someone the way that they should without all of the frustrations I have now about love.

I believe that love is supposed to be an openess to the other unconditionally, without sacrificing a sense of self. I believe that it is the most important facet of our lives because it can shape us and mold us in spite of ourselves and our shortcomings. I may be naive and not realistic here, but all that I know is that I have to try to love this way or fail to be human as I understand it.

I know this is another lengthy monologue, but I just have to bear my heart and soul before you and my maker and say that I have to do this. I have to try even though I may fail. Am I just another Sisyphus? Perhaps. But this stone is worth it, at least to me. I will quote my friend here on Nomsv, WoundedHealer, because his line means so much to me as I begin this journey of a million steps. He said, "when nothing else remains, love sustains." I am counting on it.

I do not know where my journey will take me, but it has started. I will wait for my results and then take the next steps I have to no matter how afraid I get. I may ask for your help and support as I face my fears and become more irrational. I may need that push and challenge to do the right thing. I do not have the answers even though I would like to think that I do. Maybe that is just the 16 year old in me. I would like to think I have lived a full life and have all this wisdom to appeal to, but I do not. What I have is the strength I can muster, reasonable amounts of courage, tenacity, and my heart, although beaten, tortured, and bruised, it still beats out as much love as it can possibly share.

Thank you again for all your help. You guys give me hope when I feel like there isn't any left in the world. You give me more courage to fight the self-doubt, the loathing, the acting out, the anger. You give me the tools I need to survive. I am not a victim anymore. I am just a lioncub on the velt looking for my little kingdom in this world. It doesn't have to be big, just enough for me and perhaps a soulmate that I hope to find one day, and then maybe a small family that I can really call my PRIDE and joy.

I had better sign off before you evict me for littering the pages of Nomsv with my thoughts. Thank you again for putting up with me.

Love, from the bottom of my heart,

LionCub (who still plays with his ball of yarn)


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#7713 - 09/23/02 11:42 PM Re: Thank you
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
((((((((((((((LionCub)))))))))))))))

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#7714 - 09/24/02 12:05 AM Re: Thank you
Richard Gartner, PhD Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/20/00
Posts: 404
Loc: New York, NY, USA
LionCub,

You are teaching a lot of guys much older than you about courage in facing your demons. Our hearts go out to you. I'm glad you found us and use us so well

Richard

_________________________
www.richardgartner.com

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#7715 - 09/24/02 12:32 AM Re: Thank you
Healing_Brother Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Arkansas
((((((((((((((((((((((LIONCUB))))))))))))))))))))))i am ALWAYS here for you, and it takes courage, but you can do it, you have a STRONG WILL and are a STRONG HUMAN BEING!!
take care brother!!!
HB


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#7716 - 09/24/02 02:16 AM Re: Thank you
angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
Lioncub,

If you read a book a day, have considered being a Catholic priest and are looking for peace after a day of beating the crap out of classmates, try these two books: Visions of the Children by Janice Connell and The Final Harvest by Wayne Weible.

They are about Medjugorje, Bosnia and what has been going on there. It will blow your socks off and you wont care as much about this stuff. If you have a years wages in the bank and time to yourself you will probably go there. There is way more important stuff coming soon to worry about this crap. Both books are easy reading, about 6 hours each.

No matter how "triggered" I get on this web site, if I read a little bit of either of those books or go on my Medjugorje prayer group website, I'm totally at peace again and the name Angry no longer applies. ----> \:\)

By the way, what does this mean?:
(((((((((((LIONCUB)))))))))))
...it triggers me.


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#7717 - 09/24/02 01:27 PM Re: Thank you
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
littering huh? i dont think so!

your thinking, your feeling, your weighing things out, your asking the right questions, it all sounds good to me.

I am glad your here \:\)

[john] hugs LC, your allright dude!

Love,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#7718 - 09/24/02 04:31 PM Re: Thank you
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lion Cub
your strength belies your years, and I'm sure you have a full and good life ahead of you. Free of the huge load of guilt that some of us carry for so long. I envy you for that, but I know it's due to your commitment to yourself.

Take care, and litter these pages all you want.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#7719 - 09/25/02 02:35 PM Re: Thank you
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
(((((((((((((((LionCub))))))))))))))))
Woo-hoo! Littering!!!! You rock dude

See ya in Reno buddy

-John_

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#7720 - 09/28/02 10:36 AM Re: Thank you
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
LionCub,

THANK YOU for that post. Now just a couple comments...

1) Although we are on different tracks here, we are in some ways almost identical predicaments. I have recently been on a spiral downward...perhaps somewhat still going down. I will say though that your post refocused me once again. I say this because I KNOW that you will also be on a roller coaster ride at some point and while you may have been on a high point on that post, you will inevitably slip at some point.

One thing it seems you have to remember when that happens is something I know you've already learned as a survivor (and something I have to relearn at this point perhaps): namely, how to get back up again. More than anything, I think, that is the toughest for us as abused persons. We get into a dip and perhaps it is due to our natural reaction to then engage in a pit of self-pity, despair. Yes, sometimes it helps gets all the emotions out once and for all, but sometimes we get stuck down there...especially if we only vent a little at a time. The point here is that I know you will fall again, as I just did recently. Still, make no mistake about it, you can handle it as you have before. You've been through so much already, you'll be able to handle this next issue. Also, just remember that people are here if you need help, and "SOMEONE" is up there looking down on you each time. As cliched as this may sound, never give up, and you will find that you will have already succeeded in life. In my opinion, it's all about having faith in order for you to move mountains ;\)

2) Just a practical advice here--Maintain your concern for education. I am glad to see that you are looking to move forward with that. I have found that, while still a student myself, it is one of the few things in life that can act as a great "equalizer." Also, don't give up on this. Even if you don't do as well as you would like on these standardized tests, just move on (I have certainly had my bouts with standardized testing as being "unreflective" of my abilities--do not misunderstand, I have done well now, but the point is that do not take those tests too seriously even if other people might). Also, if somehow you do not do well (and that's an "IF"), go with whomever accepts you. I have known people from community colleges who have done just fine (especially if they were able to transfer to a local state school afterwards--even with some loans, the bachelor's degree may be worth it in the competitive job market). Besides, from your post, you seem like you know quite a bit and have lots of potential. Do not get discouraged and as you have implied, make do with what you have. I know that the goal of graduating from college is a ways down the road, but I find that at least for me, sometimes looking ahead to the future can help you at least heal a little. I mean, you still have these psychological issue to grapple with (as I do), but it may be a little easier if everything else is going at least okay in other aspects of your life so that you do not head into a complete spiral down. Well, good luck with that. If it comforts you, just know that I'll say a little prayer for you \:\)

3) Love...well, I haven't been "in love" in a while...long story, but one that was partly related to abuse actually complicating the issue further. It was a serious relationship, and I still have issues to this day about it. Still, having been in love, I will tell you that it will come--when you least expect it. Though only a few years your senior, I will say that you are young yet. Do not be overly concerned...you at least have some "love" right here \:D Yeah, yeah, that sounds cheesy, but really...I love you man (he-he) ;\)

3) ANYway, really, just thank you. I needed your post. Chalk it up to divine intervention perhaps. It's been tough, and while I had been doing okay in the past...things have really come to a head recently with so many issues from my past boiling to the surface. One of the toughest things I think is being unable to talk to people about our problems. We can not ask for help. All other problems we can. This, we can't. Even worse, when this problem causes other problems in our lives (directly or indirectly), it's a tough issue with which to deal. Because it is such a hidden problem...perhaps more than anything, we need empathy. That is what your post offered. The point is...when you write a post like you have, as you do...you maybe, just maybe helping someone else : ) Really, thanks man.


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#7721 - 09/29/02 11:39 AM Re: Thank you
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Lion Cub you are very special, you post sounds very positive, I am glad about that. I love you as a friend and fellow survivor. I want the best for you.

Michael Joseph (((((((((((((Lion Cub))))))))))))))

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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