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#77076 - 05/05/04 08:20 AM a profound moment...
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
I had a very profound dream last night that has just shaken my world to the roots. It was very humbling at the least. In it, I was walking up to Christ. He was standing in the garden, looking at me as I approached. I wasnít celebrating, and I felt like Judas. My soul was bare before Him. He knew all the awful thoughts and feelings I had ever had, on top of all the things I had done. I could hide nothing, and was spiritually naked. Oh I had clothes on, but how can you clothe the essence of who you are? He knew my every thought. All of the perverted, twisted things I fantasized of were out there in the open. It was humiliating and shameful. I kissed Him on the cheek, and the look of disappointment on His face is burned into my mind. He looked deeply sad and hurt. Call it a dream. Call it a vision. Whatever one calls it, I certainly donít want to approach Him that way ever again. No words can capture what I felt as I walked closer. I tell myself every day that this or that is okay. That Iím a good guy, but let me tell you, when someone can get into those hidden thoughts and fantasies, you are truly naked. I walked through life every day, thinking myself slick. I had thought of this woman or that one carnally to satisfy what my marriage wasnít. The Bible didnít say in big letters that porn was wrong, so I rationalized my way into viewing it. He knew though. He knew every sick thing I was thinking deep inside, things I had hid from my wife, from the world. I couldnít hide anything.

I cannot claim to know it all, but I know I never want to feel that again. This morning it is clear to me that I need to rethink my spiritual life. I have let worldly doubts and manís words cloud my mind. Rationalizing my way into things I wouldnít want known, I have failed Him. I claim to be His with my lips, but my heart is of the world. I have to go for now. I have work to do.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#77077 - 05/06/04 12:19 AM Re: a profound moment...
subdeacon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
Jeff, God bless you and keep you, and make His face to shine upon you!

One of the things my priest says before confession that always takes me by surprise in the best of ways is.... "prepare to accept His forgiveness." There is a story of two monks (I love stories) from the desert. One said to the other "Let's go into the village and find a prostitute and get rid of some of this agitation we are feeling." The other agreed. They went to the brothel and finished up. Afterwards both of them felt great remorse for what they had done and repented...well one repented and the other repented with his lips. While walking together one of them kept on and on talking about how bad they were for what they had done, how evil and vile and dirty they were. The other monk stopped him and said "Brother I left the brothel a long time ago, God has forgiven me....Why are you still there?"

God forgives us when we ask. We keep *ourselves* in the mire (at the prompting of the evil one). Remember Christ said be of good Cheer for I have overcome the world.

Yes, we must weep for our sins, and beg for forgiveness. Then we must accept that God can and does forgive us....otherwise the Cross and the Resurrection were for nothing. God is on our side. He wants us to be forgiven. He wants us to be joyful. It's not easy, though. It's a struggle. Christ said that this life would be full of struggle too. Rest assured that if you repent, you will not be naked before God, you will be clothed in Him. One of my favorite prayers that I say daily is "Teach me, O Lord to see Thy will in all things, and to do it. Teach me to pray and Thou Thyself pray in me. Amen."

Christ is Risen from the dead, trampling on death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life! (the Easter Hymn of the Orthodox Christians)

God bless,
Philip

_________________________
"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

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#77078 - 05/06/04 04:13 PM Re: a profound moment...
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Jeff,

I think, whether we realize it or not, we are humbled before God every day. There is no escaping his absolute knowledge.

And it is good, I think, that there is an Entity outside ourselves that sees us as we do but without the very human judgements we place upon ourselves.

I struggle with reminding myself that 'humanizing' God is a mistake. His understanding is beyond my comprehension.

I think that the Kingdom of God is around us every day all of the time. I think that I spend all my effort in maintaining my delusion that I am unworthy to be a part of it when all that is required of me is thoughtful mindfulness of what I do. In that I find that I am a part of it all of the time.

I have found that it is easier to overcome my shortcomings once I accept them. Fear and anxiety preceeds and follows a concious commission of a 'sin' on my part.

I have had to learn over and over again that once I turn it over to God, once I let go of it and let God, a higher power, the universe or whatever take it over it is so much easier to live.

I choose each hour of each day how I will deal with those things that I am addicted to or pursue compulsively. Sometimes I make choices that I am proud of and grateful for and at other times I do not. But, then, in the next hour there is a chance to choose all over again and what's past is truly past.

Your dream stopped short, I think, and so did not include the message of the Ressurection which tops everything else.

Dear brother, now have the dream in which He forgives you.

B.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#77079 - 05/06/04 07:39 PM Re: a profound moment...
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 262
Loc: MidWest
Jeff,

I KNOW what you are feeling. During the Passion on Christ, I could not stop crying. The pain Christ felt... I have had to deal with this for weeks now, how much of His pain was because of me and my choices? How have I hurt Him, let me count the ways!

I use my lips all the time to say that I am a beliver. I continue to question myself. I only found Christ 18 months ago, and for the first time I am reading the Bible. I even purchased The Bible for Dumbies. I WANT to know all I can.

I HONESTLY fell, Jeff, that God accepts us for who we are and who we want to be. NONE of us can be perfect, only He was. The poor choices I have made would fill a book or two. I think God will only smile, welcome your kiss on the cheek, and He will embrace you and welcome you Home!

I still make BIG mistake, but I am trying! I am aknowledging my sins and I am asking for forgiveness. My Pastor asks us to say a daily prayer of, "Lord, help me to get to know You better and to love You more today".

Jeff, I have prayed for each of us everyday since I found this site a week and a half ago. I think He wants us here. I think He wants us to know we are not alone!

God Bless You my new friend!

TeeJayUU

_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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