Another issue (God, I've been lengthy). It's easier facing it all in the dark. Most of my recovering friends are "facing the world". Not me. I hide. Deny. Hide. What do I do? I've always had secrets, and I want some more. It makes me feel like I have some form of control.
Control is a huge issue with us all. What happened was a result of us not having control. So it is natural that we do not give it up. On the flip side we build walls to keep people out so that we can have control but those same walls keep us it and isolate us. So Alfred you can see why a lot of us just have a hell of a time facing the world.
I like to think that for years I was passing through life and not actually living it.
It seems that within all the groups that look deep at issues, I feel threatened. I feel like I am pushing God away. What's wrong with me? I want "control" in my recovery, but I feel like it's always "not now". Maybe it's just my voices. Praying about this comes often since I don't know if it's God or me. How would I know?
I have been in AA for 27years and I had a hell of a lot of trouble until as they say in AA "Let go and let God" It is that control issue again. I also thought that men delt with their own problems on their own. How wrong I . I will let you in on something. I have made more progress here in the past 13 months that without it and in therapy for the past 6 years. And you know why. I finally admitted here that I could not do it alone. And what did I find? I found a whole bunch of guys who care and will walk the road with me. God to know that I am not alone and not a freak.
I listen to what guys say here and instead of trying to compare my story I look for the commonalities and they are not hard to find. In effect here I have given up control to the group consious. I dont know if I am making any sense. I can really fracture the english language and my spelling stinks.
What I really did was ask for help and admit that I could not do it alone. And I got it here in spades.
Alfred I see that you have made that comment also.
I'm writing this because I have kept myself from being involved with too many recovering people because of the common "I can do what I want" message. I'm lost.
The prison is cracking. It is not unmanly to ask for help. In fact it shows a real determination to heal. All any of us want to do is to live life as ourselves to the fullest.