Yeah, I hear you a whole on a whole lot of that.
I did most of my "real work" on mostly women's sites, or mixed way towards women
Even got kicked off one. Same one, twice in fact . . . not my proudest moments.
The first guys' site I saw was the old ARUK site. And there the guys would ((hug)) each other. While I could tolerate (and even comfort and enjoy) that on a women?s site, when I saw that my first thought was if one of these guys ((hug)) me, I will !!!PUNCH!!! him.
But I was serious at the time.
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As far as the wanna wife goes . . .
In retrospect, I can advise patience, but I sure follow where you are at . . .
I nagged, nagged, nagged, nagged, nagged . . . .
God, I want a wife . . . probably 20 times a day, probably for well over maybe two years.
It took a little while because, well the truth was I was not ready, yet.
(but poor God having to listen to me bitch)
And then the one He sent! I would so have not had the sense to pick her. She was abused, too, and had a dark humor about all this, so sometimes we just laugh about it all. She has a BA is Christian Education, but claims to be an atheist (too much time around any church could do that
When we met on-line, she had only dated girls for a couple of years, and was pretty serious that way. It was kind of strange, she had actually founded the Gay-Lesbian Association at her school. But I always figured that lesbians were sensible women, so we got along great.
Neither of us had any intent on getting involved, she was like a little buddy and I was coaching her on picking good guys because she was thinking that she might like to try a guy, again
I had no idea that I would be coaching myself into being a good husband for her, and we had no idea that we would wind up together. Now we have been together three years, and have a baby girl that we just love and adore.
And where we started . . . I had a military buzz cut and tucked-in starched white business shirts (only) and her standard style was pink dyed punk cut hair and cut-off camo pants, with an entire collection of T-shirts guaranteed to offend in all 50 states.
Now we both come a long way towards each other, and are pretty happy.
But before any of that could work, I was getting un-jerked as part of group work, etc.,
So of course God delivers happy endings. It is His hallmark, His signature.
But the point to know is that God delivers, and does so in His own time. And He is not going slow because He is a jerk or jackass (that is my usual projection on Him, as I am usually re-creating God in my own image)
Chances are if you and/or I could go faster, He would go faster.
Sorry to mix Eastern stuff in, but you have probably heard some variation . . . .
The ox is slow but the earth is patient.
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About the gay porn part . . . . . . .
On our business email account, we probably dump about 50 spam messages a day. I had never even thought about opening any of them, but a couple of months ago someone was discussing all the stuff that is in spam. So I started wondering what the spammers think sell. Marketing amuses me, so I occasionally now open some before dumping them.
It is usually just mild porn, occasionally something even funny, but a couple of days ago a tranny one came up totally looking like a pretty hot chick, with even a couple little female type rose tattoos, and wearing a shirt/dress with his/her legs up with no underwear, hanging out, while s/he is just choking down a big one.
It totally caught my eye and obsession. I even frame-caught the image and blew it up just so I could see the detail. But that was a very, very weird thing. I could not believe I was doing that. I had thought I had no particular interest in porn or anything like that. But all I could think was I want that thing [total de-personalization on my part] to be sucking me. Just a total fixation.
I have followed conversations around here, and even been supportive to guys who talk about working on porn addiction, but it seemed somewhere not-real. I guess I tend to be harsher in real-life, and met people in real-life who have told me that they have porn addiction problems . . . . and I always think about the real-life ones . . . (suddenly embarrassed, now) yeah, I may be fued, but you are Really FUED. And btw, I do not want to shake hands with a freak like you who was probably just wacking off with that hand.
So of course, in my arrogance, I would have to find myself right there. Boy, it so true about Jesus' warning to not judge, because you will be judging yourself.
But it is not the end of the world, I have made it through the rest of this mess, so I'll get through that, and hopefully come out even a little bit less arrogant. Heather is out of town for a week, but we talk a couple of times a day. So I was telling her about that Tranny-porn. She is sooo cool. She is in Grad School for Social Work and just did a project on tranny stuff. So she kind of laughed and just sounded amused and said she wished I had saved the picture so she could see it, too.
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As far as the being ashamed of gay stuff . . .
ummm, been there, done that, too. . . . .
Of course I wound up ashamed and self-condemning, too. I do not know if it will help, but I am putting an old post about putting myself on trial for that in the un-moderated forum (it is even further out than this post
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About the priest, religion and stuff, I can not speak to very well. My stuff was family, and so was most of the people I knew before this site. The closest to religion, other than SRA, was my old penpal . . . her dad made a point of raping her in a church (and about anywhere else he could think of) just so she would KNOW that God could not help her. But everyones path is their own. Yours, too.
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But about the rest, Sonlite, there are probably more bumps before you clear the valley, but hey, if it were not a challenge, the trip to happy valley might not be worth it.
Other than that, try to be kind yourself and patient with both you and God.
He is probably fixing you as fast as you will let Him.