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#76904 - 05/21/03 03:04 PM Re: Please don't yell at me
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Me Again -

I am a mess.

Its after 12 noon local time, and I am not even up and dressed yet. I just got out of the shower after spending 1.5-2 hrs looking at gay porn and mstrbtng. I feel awful. I feel numb and at the same time I feel terrified that I am losing control over this sickening behavior. When I look at that stuff its like I am in a trance. I don't feel connected to my body and I lose all track of time, hot/cold/hunger/pain its very wierd. I know that I am using it as some sort of drug to numb myself from a whole collection of shameful and sad feelings.
BeenThereDoneThat. So relating to this except different kind of porn, but still the same old shit!

Quote:
I really WANT God in my life, but I can't fight the drive to disconnect from God and real life when I get depressed ...
For different reasons than yourself, I can very much relate to this also, Sonlite. Having God in my life has not been easy & its a long process, but it has made the difference for me.

Quote:
It is scary just how vulnerable my moods and actions are to changes in the weather. But it is ANOTHER gray and overcast, cloudy/rainy day. We had some sunshine yesterday and I felt better and was out and about and made some job search moves. Yes, I am on an antidepressant (Zoloft). I can't afford a therapist right now bc I am unemployed.
Sonlite the weather can affect us in a lot of ways
It affects me mostly becuz of my fibromyalgia which seems in me to be very sensitive to weather changes especially barometric pressure.

I am on Zoloft too...

Fellow North Carolinian, I'm not sure what the laws are on this, but I think there are ways of getting therapy if not free at least relatively inexpensively if you are unemployed. Of course you may not get much choice in a T, I'm not sure. But you sure don't want just any T when you are a male survivor. However therapy can help...

Quote:
I just don't trust God enough yet. I just don't love myself enough yet. Why WOULD I trust God or love myself? I was abused by a priest, in a church! In my head I know that God has never really let me down. I know it makes Him mad that I don't trust him. Emotionally, I can't let go.
Oh Sonlite I so relate to these feelings.

But from my view you have gotten to the core of it my friend. Trusting God & loving myself have long been my key issues, and I think will always be keys of life for me.

I've known in my head that God never let me down for about 25 years, since I became a Christian & at least started to really believe in & to some small degree trust God.

But emotionally I still have feelings that God abandoned me to abuse, and in some ways even abused me.

For you it was being abused by a priest in a church. For me it was being abused by parents & others who told me there was no God or if there was He didn't give a damn. It wasn't long before that was pretty easy to believe much less feel.

Over time the feelings are fading as I learn to know, trust & love God--and myself--more & more. I'm coming to understand that God isn't mad at me for having these feelings & not trusting Him. He does want me to talk with Him about them for my own healing (He knows already anyway). So sometimes I really get loose & vent with God. Scary at first but so far He's been able to handle
it! ;\) This is taking a lot of therapy & support from wherever I can get it, like right here.

Quote:
I have been doing some reading on the Myers-Briggs personality type stuff as I prepare for my job search and have learned that I am an INTP which means Introverted/iNtuitive/Thinking/Perceiving and which means among other things, that I tend to live inside my head too much and spend too much time getting stuck on trying to understand things instead of just accepting them and moving on.
Yeah. My T says I ask "Why?" too much...

Been a long time since I did the Meyers Briggs but I did it a few times & it was a bit different each time. What I do know is I can relate to what you're saying.

Quote:
I also have been reading the Prayer of Jabez but I don't feel like I deserve or am mature enough to handle God's blessings. Abuse has robbed me of confidence my whole life.
Sonlite the Prayer of Jabez (from the Bible, not the book, which I haven't read yet) has long been one of my favorites, kind of a personal vision prayer for me. Yes abuse makes that prayer (and a lot of others) hard to pray or believe. I am trying to believe that no matter what God wants to bless me & help me mature as the person He made
me to be, if I will let Him. That's still a tough one for me...

Quote:
So thats where I am for the moment. Sorry.

Thanks for listening anybody,
sonlite
Sonlite, I'm sorry too. \:\( But we are here & we are listening. Take care.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#76905 - 05/22/03 02:45 AM Re: Please don't yell at me
mrsunshineguy Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi sonlite,

Well, who would not be numb after two hours of wanking> \:\) \:\) \:\)

But all joking aside, I am not so sure one can fall into a case of losing control over this behavior . . .
but rather it sure can control you.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The not liking priests, etc., makes a lot of sense. From my reading, Jesus never had much good to say about most priests. He was usually cursing and calling them names, too. That made a lot of sense to me. To me a typical scumbag priest or preacher (not all, just the scumbags) seems sort of seems like an identity thief. They take His name and try to pull all sorts of crap pretending His identity. So I get that part.

But the hard part I had was all that brother stuff . . . (my brother and co., were my perps) Love your brother, forgive your brother . . . Jesus, you just do not seem to get it. You think so much of my brother, I got a deal for you, Jesus. I am going to him send over to your house early. Then you can see how much you think of him.

Fortunately He saw fit that I got better before I made things a whole lot worse. \:\)

- - - - - - - - - - -

All that introspective BM sounds interesting, but that place between your ears sort of sounds like a bad neighborhood. I do not think I would go there alone until you get some of the junk out of there.

I mean you have the sharp edges of broken heart parts. . . they will cut you all up wandering around in there alone. Not to mention broken down and abandoned dreams, abuse toxic waste dumps to fall into and half drown . . . . .

And then the other choice you listed . . . just accepting them. If you do not actually clean the garbage out and instead encapsulate all the bad stuff before you get it out, you will still have all that garbage to clean out later, with interest.

But jumping back to that two hours . . . If you really have the time and energy to burn off, I might think a couple hours of posting and working on this stuff might be a better use. Or at least an equal amount of time \:\) You know, one hour of writing, reading, posting, and praying for an hour of wanking. I mean which is more important?

Just a ponderance.

See you,

Sunshine


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#76906 - 05/22/03 05:03 AM Re: Please don't yell at me
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Hey Sonlite,

Sorry to hear you were blasted, I think we all get blasted one time or another here on this site for one thing or another. I have a wife who sometimes fits the de>

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#76907 - 05/31/03 06:26 PM Re: Please don't yell at me
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
John (If I may?)

I have been afraid to reply to any of your posts because my initial attempt was a poor attempt on my part. (See earlier reply this thread.) I inadvertently caused you to trigger. Please forgive me as I often walk around with my head up my behind and I am truly sorry to have hurt you. I have completed reading an older post of yours, "I\'m Here" and wanted to thank you very much for writing it.

It was very moving and very powerful. I hope that you are doing well. Much thanks again.

Marc


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#76908 - 06/11/03 09:06 AM Re: Please don't yell at me
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Sonlite,

HANG IN THERE. It takes a while to create a habit and another while to replace it with a better habit. Go easy. You will fing your way.

I impressed by many strengths coming through in your posts. I do not know much about you yet, but you seem to be on the right track even though still struggling. HANG IN THERE.

Peace,
Freedom

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#76909 - 06/18/03 02:30 PM Re: Please don't yell at me
seeker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 7
Hey sonlite, thanks for sharing. You really helped me think about a few things.

Quote:

I really WANT God in my life, but I can't fight the drive to disconnect from God and real life when I get depressed ...
That's when I go there - acting in on internet porn. It's an escape, and always ends up the same, guilt and shame. And more depression. I think I would not have such a problem acting-in if I could handle the stresses and feelings of my life in a better way. Which I'm learning to do. The bad feelings DO pass.

Quote:

I have been doing some reading on the Myers-Briggs personality type stuff as I prepare for my job search and have learned that I am an INTP which means Introverted/iNtuitive/Thinking/Perceiving and which means among other things, that I tend to live inside my head too much and spend too much time getting stuck on trying to understand things instead of just accepting them and moving on.
I am the same INPT, and I always feel like I get stuck on images in my mind. After I've been acting out they won't go away for a couple of days. That seems to be how long it takes me to feel good about myself again.

Quote:

I also have been reading the Prayer of Jabez but I don't feel like I deserve or am mature enough to handle God's blessings. Abuse has robbed me of confidence my whole life.
I can relate... I am active in my church. I have done everything I can, and still don't feel 'saved'. I always feel guilty, which I believe is shame. In fact I relate easily to being a sinner, not being good enough, and all those things. I know intellectually about grace, but don't feel it.

I feel that knowing why I behave the way I do, how I react to my feelings, is a piece of the puzzle, to peace. I've only been on this road a year, and I do see hope \:\)

_________________________
"Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around a lake" - Wallace Stevens

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