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#7671 - 06/22/05 08:45 PM Fractured personality
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
I have been wondering about this for awhile now. My mind feels as if it is a shattered. I can hear thoughts in my mind that do not seem to come from me yet are a part of who I am. I also do not just feel my inner child I hear him from time to time in my thoughts. It is very strange and is hard to describe so that another person might understand.

It is like when you read a book and someone else is speaking in your mind as you read. It is very similar to that, and at times it seems like it is myself at different ages.

It is weird when I think of myself I almost always refer to myself as you in my mind, I hardly ever think of myself as I. Often I will brush my teeth and not really be aware of doing it, or take a shower and not remember if I washed my hair, so I will wash it again. It is only little things though. All my memories, even new ones are in the third person.

It is just like a lot of chatter in my mind that seems like it is from the outside, like I stated above about reading a book. I am always trying to figure out who I am.

The reason I am writing this post is to see if any others have had similar experiances.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#7672 - 06/22/05 11:31 PM Re: Fractured personality
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I felt much like you do, and even this last weekend, I heard the voices again. It's interesting that you used the image of a shattered mirror. There's a book I read one time called "Rebuilding Shattered Lives", and it was about the treatment of dissociative disorders.

It's a defense mechanism we used to survive. Our minds protect themselves by splitting the trauma off into "somebody else". Everything I'm saying here is from my experience, not what the books say, so your doctor may not agree.

What I found is that there is a pure core inside of us, the little boy that must be protected no matter what. And I'm not talking about being protected from violence. The little boy must be loved unconditionally, and for some of us, there was no one to turn to, no place to find that safety and love in reality, so my mind turned inward. It wasn't the pure little boy that was beaten and raped. It was an older, blonde rebel that (and I can feel him even now) lured my uncle in because I was beautiful and liked that sick lifestyle. The fiction gave me the illusion of control over something the pure little boy could not control. And in order for this Rebel to protect me, I was safely tucked away, watching from the ceiling as the horrors of abuse were done to Rebel, and not to me. That's the beginning of the split. If I was abused many times, I don't know about it, because "I" wasn't there. After a while, other parts took on other roles to protect me. The blonde rebel dealt with the SA, but another protected me from my violent father, another could deal with the falsehood of our "perfect" family in public.

And they do talk. That's the secret to healing. The blonde rebel in me had to deal with the abuse as it really was, that he could not control it. The little boy had to deal with the reality that the abuse happened to ME and not someone else. Each part had to feel the pain from its own perspective. As they realized the "games" each was playing, they melted into the background of my mind to the point where today they don't control me. Occasionally the knee-jerk protective parts will jump out and I'll ask my wife, "Did that sound weird? I couldn't tell?" She'll tell me if it was me or if it was "unusual". It rarely happens anymore.

The first time my therapist used the word "games" with me, I was so angry, like this was some happy game I was playing? I've come to realize that it was a game, a necessary game, but still a fiction. I had to stop calling myself "him" and start owning my past. My uncle SA me. He didn't abuse a part or somebody else. He abused me. Once I started owning my past and understanding why each part played the role it did, I got better. And when they fight, it's just my brain trying to protect me from something. I look to see what that something is. Last week it was safety, uncertainty. I was scared. If I do whatever it takes to feel safe again, the voices die down a little. If the voices are attacking me or each other, I try to talk to them, listen to concerns and try to reassure them that "Big [ForeverFighting]" can take care of them. If they won't listen, I get my therapist to talk to them.

There's nothing crazy about dissociation. It's the sanest thing a little kid can do to protect himself in his own mind. It's a learned response to terror. We did the best we could under impossible circumstances. It's when the dissociation is still trying to protect us when we don't need protecting that we need help. I walked past a lot of doctors before I found one that dealt specifically with dissociative disorders. It has to be a therapist who won't bolt for the door (or ship you off to a hospital) every time a voice needs to be heard.

You may very well have schitzophrenia. I don't know about that disorder. But I do know that if your doctors aren't helping, and you think dissociation may be the problem, there are therapists who can help.

You're welcome to PM me anytime. I understand what you're going through, and I don't envy you at all. It's like pulling teeth to get the voices to cooperate sometimes. But if you find where each one is stuck, you can help them to leave the past and join you in the present.

Take care of yourself Maynard, and take care of those kids in you. They're just asking for someone to listen. And that's what we're here for. We're here to listen and support you. At the same time ask them to give you just a little peace. You deserve some peace.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#7673 - 06/24/05 05:37 PM Re: Fractured personality
scooter Offline
Member

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
I have the same thing. It seems as if there are two of me and one is before the abuse and one is after. I have begun to understand that I switch between them and now am less confused as I operate out of each "personality." I think it's what people call the inner child. I hear the voices that I knew weren't mine - and as I listened more I discovered they were his.

I am trying to operate out of who I am now, but I also more readily recognize when I am a child again in my mind - when I'm standing outside of myself watching me trying to cope. I can now step back in and take care of that part of me that needs to grow through the experience. I'm beginning to be patient and compassionate toward myself.


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