I guess I was like 5 or 6 I think--im not quite sure. he pushed me into the bathroom and then he preceded to make me give him oral sex. It happened several times. But after a while I didnt remember until I did it to someone else when I was 10--not really knowing what I was doing but just thinking that it was normal. Now I am older--I am lost in a sea of confusion I feel dirty because of him--and I hate myself for what I have done--why could not I control myself and not inflict my pain unto others. I struglle about my sexuality more than most I think for what I have done-because of what happened to me and what I did--but I deserve it I think because --the thoughts about how I see other guys crosses my mind alot--but I know that I like girls and I want to be with them--often times the thoughts about guys does not feel natural at all--they feel more evil and sinful more than anything else--so I feel lost and I havehad to hold this in for so long that it is beginning to kill me and I am tired of giving it power by being silent. However sometimes I feel that I dont deserve to get better for what I have done--I mean I did what someone else did to me and why I dont know.. I deserve the pain I think. But I suppose it is my burden to bear

One day at a time:

It's just my opinion & belief, but I don't believe
anybody deserves to have pain. It's not what we were made for. It is what we've brot upon ourselves as the human race. But I don't think any of us as individuals deserve it or ask for it.
It often comes, as did yours, and mine, from people, places & powers beyond our control. I empathize with you for the horrors you've been put thru in your life.

Fellow survivor, don't add to your pain by inflicting more upon yourself, no matter what you've done.

I'm not trying to justify what you did or say it wasn't wrong. But as you said, you didn't know it was wrong; for you this was normal behavior. Having grown up in a sexually overexposed & incestuous environment, I understand how this can & does happen. It's not your fault! Especially at the tender age of ten!

Sure hate what you've done, but don't hate yourself! I'm saying that as someone who is well aware of how hard that is. But it will only lead to further thots, feelings & behaviors that could be even more self-destructive, and possibly hurtful to others.

The At-Risk Members forum in the Members area is a good place for many of us to share about our struggles with sexual addictions or issues or acting out behaviors of any kind. If you are a member, you can ask to use this forum by contacting the moderator, Ken Singer, for permission.

You deserve to get better & be whole, and you can.
This site is a good place to do that. Thank you for openly sharing your story. You are in my thots and prayers.

Feel free to post here or PM (private message) me.

Victor

Hi One-Day-At-A-Time.

I am a friend of Bill W too. Like everything we have to do this will take time.

The person who perped you took advantage of you--there really is nothing we can do when a larger person makes us do something we do not want to do.

Tell yourself, what you would tell a 10 yo boy who comes to you and tells you that someone has made him do that. I bet you would be kind and loving.

We need to be willing to go to any llengths to get rid of guilt for sexual acting out that we did because of being sexualized at a very impressionable age.

Take it easy.

Bob