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#76515 - 09/16/01 05:31 AM Does God really care ?
matt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/13/00
Posts: 23
Loc: Perth, Australia
Hiya Everyone,

Been reading some of the posts and decided to add my own thoughts... the funny thing is that this is something I've been struggling with myself for the past couple of weeks... although I've only been aware of exactly what's been going on for me over the last few days.

I've grown up in a christian home, went to church, became a christian at 6 years old..
Then was abused from 9 to 14 by an older cousin.

My problem is this:
If God really does care about me, why didn't he do anything ?
Mentally I can understand that we have free will (and that free will is needed for true love to exist) but that doesn't satify my heart or dull my feeling of betrayal by God.

So what do I do...

Not believe in God -
I can't do that 'cos nothing else makes sense of why this world's here without God. The "Big Bang" doesn't cut it. I'd need more faith to believe in that then God.

Believe God really isn't Good -
But then why would he sacrifice Jesus / himself for us ?
And why would he talk to me so specifically about what to do next in my path of healing ?
And why am I so healed now, only 8 years after my abuse stopped ?

Believe God isn't all powerful -
But if he can create the world, he can stop one boy from abusing another.

None of these logical reasons can reach a conclusion.
I'm just left with the facts:
- God talked to me about what I should do to be healed from my abuse, I did them and now I'm so far from where I was.
- God answered prayers, he gave me the friends and support I needed.

So I just can't deny him !
But does the fact that God has helped me so much in my healing cancel out the fact that his conscious negligance let my abuse occur in the first place ?? I will never be completely healed from that... and no amount of being "thankful" to God... and that he "saved my soul".. will wash it away..

But the other day a friend of mine told me that she was abused too !! I just cried and was heartbroken and somehow I said to her something that answered my doubts to!
Jesus came not just to save us from our sins... but to heal us from the sins of others... and the healing process isn't something that can be completed on this earth where evil still reigns.
In revelation God promised that those who love Jesus will be given new bodies and live in a city on a new earth where God lives with us...
That is the only hope that makes it alright.
One day I'll have a new body that doesn't remember abuse, that doesn't react when I don't want it to, one where my emotions are balanced and controllable...
You see I believed that God let me be abused and that the scars that I have from that abuse will never be erased...
And they won't be erased in this life... (although I have had a lot of healing...)
But they will be erased in the afterlife when I get a new body... I will be completely healed... to the point when it was as if I was never damaged !
I was putting God in a box !
Saying that he couldn't and wouldn't heal my abuse completely.... basically saying that my abuse had more power than God did !

I know God really does care !!
And I know that there will come a day when I will be complete and whole .... not just "healed"... but completely renewed...
Jesus didn't just come to save us from our sins, but to make the way for God to renew and restart...

That's the only hope I have that satisfies me intellectually and emotionally... God might have let my abuse happen for the sake of free will .... but he knew that the damage done he could undo... that it was just temporary... that Matt wasn't distroyed or emotionally crippled forever...
That one day I would live eternally with God... and I would have a new body.. and after 1000000000000000000000000 years with God and his love, my 5 years of abuse would fade into insignificance... and die.. along with all the other evil that shouldn't even exist...

Well that's my two bits worth...
What do you guys recon ??
Matt \:\)


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#76516 - 09/16/01 01:25 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Matt,

I recon that you are already healing and that you are doing a nice job of coming to grips with some pretty powerful stuff.

It is my belief that all that you need to make you whole and happy lies within, for this is where Spirit resides. Certainly there is a lot to deal with given unfortunate circumstances in your life, but the pure, life-giving inner light that dwells within each of us is what connects you and I and everyone in the universe. We need only be still and connect with it (which isn't always easy!).

I am so heartened by your post, Matt, for it says to me that you are healing, you are taking control of your life and that the spiritual essence within is a beacon for some of the rest of us who need to hear stories of struggle and hope...like yours.

We're in this together, and your letter is reaffirming.

Dynamite Don


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#76517 - 09/16/01 03:58 PM Re: Does God really care ?
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1261
Loc: Northern Ohio
I'm glad u weren't emotionally cripled or destroyed. Good for you, really. But some people are. Ther is 500 or so of us members here. There are many, many THOUSANDS more out there. How many are cripled, emotionally, sexually, physically? Its great that God has helped you, but that just pisses me off all the more. Not at you, but at God. Is god good, or do you have to play by His rules to gain His help. "Praise be to God!" For what? Getting fucked up my ass while I screemed & pleaded for help. Begged God to help me. I promised to do anything, for his help. Its a promise I would have kept. what answer did I get? Fucked again. So to HELL with GOD, because He isn't the Good God I was taught about.
Does this all make sence? Probably not. Do I give a shit right now? Fuck No. Im busy trying to stay alive and make a living, a life.........

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#76518 - 09/16/01 05:40 PM Re: Does God really care ?
matt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/13/00
Posts: 23
Loc: Perth, Australia
Hey

Don, thanks for you comment. Not too many people (espically guys) consider their spiritual sides in their healing.. I'm glad to see you do.

Blackleaves, I am emotionally crippled.. I still feel nervous in public toilets, I still have an overwhelming need for male affection, I'm still attracted to guys...
I'm not saying that God has completely healed me... 'cos he hasn't... I'm saying that I look forward to the day when he will... after I die when I get a whole new body... then I will recieve complete restoration...

But I can understand what your saying to the point where my eye's are watering... and I know that no amount of explaining or text is going to help at this moment.. all I would do is give you a hug, let you cry on my shoulder and listen to you and quietly understand...

Here's a bit from my diary... I hope you can relate.. I feel this is the best I can say ..

5th Jan 2000

I HATE THIS... all those stoopid things, I don't want to worry... it pisses me off.. I'm sick of being a whiney child.. I hate being volnerable and soft.. I hate getting hurt... I hate constantly getting hurt.. I hate trusting God and still life is stoopid and hard and all fucked up !! I hate worrying about stoopid things... I hate being so needy for male affection... some pathetic little crying boy or stoopid little puppy dog... following males around hoping to be accepted... I hate being not in control.. I hate not being who I want to be !! I want to be hetrosexual totally !! I hate being attracted to guys.. I hate my body and the way it reacts to being around guys.. I hate God for not healing me... and I'm tring to serve him and won't have the money for a counsellor so I'll never get healing 'cos God is doing piss all up in his stoopied heaven...
"What are you doing up there huh ?? Sucking that enormous fat thumb of yours ??"
"Derr I don't knkow how to run the universe... I'm so stoopid !!"
Whats going on Lord this is all fucked up.. I hate God.. I hate myself.. I hate my fucking sin... I hate it... I hate not being able to do anything about it !! STOOPID FUCKING LIFE I HATE IT ALL !! Lord I can't live like this any more, tell me what to do !! I can't stand this I need your help... what do I do WHAT ?!?
"It takes time"
Well I've waited long enough... I know you can damn well heal me so why don't you !! ... OH ITS FUCKING CHARARACTOR BUILDING... WELL I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT FUCKING CHARACTOR !!! FUCK !!!


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#76519 - 09/16/01 09:19 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Matt,

Between the words and the lines of type I see real change between your journal entry of January 2000 and your recent post to this forum. Oh I know....you don't have the answers (who does?), but just reread the two passges and revel in the difference. You've come a long way in your recovery, my friend!

Be gentle with yourself...it's coming!

DD


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#76520 - 09/18/01 06:03 AM Re: Does God really care ?
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1261
Loc: Northern Ohio
Hmm. Well. I am NOT really a heartles bastard. If you would have met me, U wouldn't suspect my inner termoil. It is just that I have found a place to speak my mind, which seems to change often. I read every post. And if it stirs up emotions, I try to write it down. It is an act of freedom, liberation, to speak of "it". "it", is years years of torture, humilitation, etc I was forced to suffer. And I am very angry in the God I was brought up to believe in. The God im soppose to have a "personal relationship" with. A God who care & hears Every Ones prayers. This is one place I can feel & express my anger, at God, or dear ol Dad. Ya sure, therapy too, but thats only once a week. MY relationship TO God is a very angry & distrustfull one. I understand the ideas presented around here of "free will", but that just doesn't seem to fill in all the pieces...........

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#76521 - 09/18/01 01:47 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
OK, let me put it another way, then.

Stop looking for God in a thunderbolt from the sky, or in a burning bush.

Look for God right around you.

In the people around you.

When you see humans helping humans, with no gain for themselves, you are seeing God's love.

There is this joke that has been putting around in my brain, related to this.

A priest was walking along a road through the rain. The waters of the river had risen, and the priest was up to his ankles.

A car passing by pulled over, and the driver asked, "Padre, need a lift?"

"No thank you. The Lord will provide for me."

The driver reluctantly drives on.

The water gets deeper; it's up the priest's kness. A pickup truck coming along pulls alongside the priest.

"Father, get in! I'll take you to higher ground."

"No need, my son. The Lord will provide for me."

The driver looks at the priest, but sees his resolute face, and drives on.

The water is above the priest's waist. 2 guys come along in a motor boat.

"Hop in! We'll get you to safety."

"You don't need to trouble yourself," the priest tells the men. "The Lord will provide for me."

The 2 men look at each other, but move on.

The waters rose very quickly, and it wasn't long before the priest drowned.

The priest stood before the Gates of Heaven, confused. "Lord, I have served you faithfully throughout my entire life. I clothed the naked, fed the hungry, and healed the sick. Why didn't you provide for me?"

The loud booming voice of God responded, "I did provide for you. I sent a car, a truck, and a boat."


....

I realize that this only answers one side of your issues, BL. Because in the joke, God actually says that She sent help to the priest. I don't know how to answer that one.

But I do believe that we musn't discount the contributions of our fellow human beings. That kindness comes from somewhere. Call it what you will, but I think that it is divine in nature. We can choose to follow it, or not.

God's love is within us. I've been feeling it all week long, and it has gotten to be overwhelming at times. I have shut down my emotions for so long, that this much good feeling can be too much.

We are loved by God, no matter what we do. God is waiting for us to see Her. God wants us all to come to Her. She is patient. God wants us to do the right things. And God's grace is always available, if we are truly repentant for things we've (intentionally)done wrong.

(Next time I write about God, I may use "It" instead. The last time I wrote about God, I didn't use any pronouns.)

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#76522 - 09/19/01 09:21 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Jeremy,

I agree with many of the things that you have written and appreciate your acknowledgement that God is in each of us. We can see the work of Spirit in a beautiful sunset, in flowers and trees and birds...in the eyes of those around us...and in a mirror!

When I look into the eyes of a man whose spiritual, inner light is rekindled with the freedom borne of identifying and facing the demons, I feel a tremendous oneness with that person and with the Universe. This love and acceptance and feeling of peace really "does it" for me.

Don't get me wrong (I know I sound like the head of the Department of Sunshine and Rainbows...!), our struggle is genuine, but so is the peace that results once we have moved past a difficult spot in our process.

Some believe in a heaven with golden streets and angels on clouds playing harps. I believe that heaven is not "out there" somewhere else. When we are fortunate enough to connect with others with whom we walk life's path, and when, together, we are once again made whole, it is that love that produces miracles in our daily lives.

Each of us who is hurting is struggling to heal and to become whole. It is the process of doing this work - and supporting one another - that gives a common bond with the potential for transforming lives (including - and specificlaly - our own!).

Most of us have had pretty awful things happen to us in childhood. There is certainly the opportunity to feel deserted or abandoned by God. But believe it or not, in each of the posts on this forum I can read between the lines and see Spirit at work.

Have I got this figured out? Hell no! But I do have knowledge that there are miracles happening to and around me each day...and that is enough to convince me that however one defines God, there is some amzing force at work in our lives.

YOU are helping to make miracles in my life and I am being made whole by your presence and participation in this forum. I say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Dynamite Don


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#76523 - 09/20/01 02:58 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi, guys. The issue of faith and God and Spritiuality, etc. is one that we all struggle with. I know that I, too, have felt rage at God for seeming to have abandoned me and alloed the years of abuse to happen. I have had mixed feelings and many, many questions over the years, and still do.

I have no answers, nor do I believe that I can tell anyone how to find God or to believe in a God or higher power of any sort.

I can recommend a book that was helpful to me not so much because of any answers it provided, but because of the many new questions it raised and the perspective it presented. It is called "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People," written by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Thought the author is a Rabbi, the book is written for anyone - Jews, Christians, Moslems, Budhhists, etc. and was a national best seller for years. I found it very helpful, perhaps you will, too.

Good luck to all of us on our journey to find healing, inner peace and serenity!

LanceC


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#76524 - 09/28/01 10:13 PM Re: Does God really care ?
Anonymous
Unregistered


All we need do is to look into the eyes of a child, marvel at a sunset or enjoy the splendor of colorful fall foliage...and then we don't have to keep asking whether there is a God...

Connecting and communicating with this awesome power of the Universe..this is our life's work, isn't it?

Dob


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