Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (wiresguy1, Sojourn Survivor, 1 invisible), 31 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445536 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#76403 - 12/11/00 03:58 AM Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
What happened to the post by seekingGood? It somehow got taken out of this forum.


Top
#76404 - 12/11/00 08:32 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Neil: I am here but my words are not. I am sad to see them go. My prayer was one I had hoped to repeat. Thankyou for asking for me. You have been a source of strength for me this week. I am home with my family and I am in control so far. I am of course tempted, but not so strongly as before. I need this interaction with the truth to stay focused and I thankyou again for listening. If I have written something wrongly I would like to know. If this was a conscious censorship of my thoughts, please let me know that as well. It is not my intention to offend, simply to hang on to the truth and grow stronger in a new commitment to God. It is not easy -even in this vast internet, to find a safe forum for what I hope to share. . .I thought I had found such a place. Am I wrong?


Top
#76405 - 12/12/00 12:08 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Good question...I was about to respond to that, but it is gone...


Top
#76406 - 12/12/00 04:27 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I did respond, at lenghth. I'm not sure if you got that response before they wiped it out. I'm hoping it was just a goof up by the moderator. I didn't read anything in your posts that would have needed to be taken out, especially in the religion forum. They did ask us once to move our conversation from the regular forum down to the religion forum but didn't wipe it out completely. Anyway, let me know if you didn't get to read my response before it was taken off. I will try it again. It's good to see that abcd is still around.


Top
#76407 - 12/14/00 09:48 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Neil, I did read your kind response and go to your site where I read your story. It made a difference to me and caused me to weep. I am sorry you did not read my response to your response, but at this point it seems ridiculous to go on about what was written and lost. I feel spiritually cold. It is a real challenge for me to trust anyone and that includes God. It makes sense to me that because God is masculine and my perpetrators were men, I will have trouble letting my guard down with God. I have always been more sympathetic with women. In my experience men can be horrible, and that includes me. One thing I wrote in response to your post was an expression of my fear that you may have wanted soomething from me. So often in my life men have seen me as a sexual object and imposed their desires on me. I feel nauseous right now. It took me until I was 24 before I learned I could say no to men. Somehow, I always denied the pain their abuse caused me. Sometimes, I turned around and abused women in similar ways. I can remember mimicking my brother's psychological trickery as I attempted to baffle a date into sleeping with me or accepting my sexual self-interest. I can remember attempting to dominate another girlfriend using the exact same music and arguments as were used on me by a college roomate. I have hurt others through my selfish actions. Lord, please forgive me and please heal those I have injured. Heavenly Father, I am praying now that you take away this choking lump in my throat and replace it with a confidence in you and your promise of salvation. God, I need to be saved. I cannot survive alone. I always hurt myself and others. I do not want to die oh Lord, and I too often day-dream of that as an escape from the pain and frustration I feel. I have nearly lost my wife and child due to my selfish and dysfunctional nature. My "addiction" to sexual materials and failure to see what is real in my life. I have been destructive and I want to stop. Thankyou for listening. I have been shutdown, my wife doesn't understand my hurt and my need to focus on it. I feel stupid because she has seen me writing and just doesn't get it. I don't get it either. I am acting on faith and my faith is very weak. Being deleted doesn't help either. I wish someone could take responsibility for that action so I could trust that I am safe to write here or not. I do not feel safe tonight: I feel sick to my stomach, and sad, and very tired. I want to tell my story, but part of me believes it isn't real. I might be using this as a way to excuse myself from being an asshole. Sometimes I am so cold, I feel evil. I can turn off my empathy and feel nothing. It is usually too much or too little feeling, never what I think should be normal. I have never been normal. I don't know how. When I try, I feel oppressed. When I act different, I feel lonely and ashamed. I am very alone. I almost feel like a different species. I have to go. Please pray for me. I am desperate to feel something real that doesn't get poisoned.
Goodnight.


Top
#76408 - 12/15/00 04:44 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I thihk what you read was my short response that asked you to read my story. I did get to read your response to that as well as the prayer that you posted. I sent you a fairly lengthy note after that. I think that's when it got wiped out. I find myself again with not much time to write so this note must be short. I understand many of the feelings that you are having right now. I struggled with the same ones for years. It's tough to function when you feel so bad about yourself. It sounds like you feel you aren't worthy of God's love and you want to change and get better in order to be worthy. I think you're doing it backwards. God loves us no matter how bad we feel we are. Don't try to change and then seek God. Seek God and He will show you the path to healing. I understand the trust issue that you are dealing with. I'm still working through that myself. I've found out though that God is the one person that I can trust above all others. His demands on us are much less than humans. He only asks that we believe. That's it. Sounds like you do. Work with that. I'll write more when I can. Maybe this weekend. I'll continue to pray for your healing. Neil


Top
#76409 - 12/15/00 09:25 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
I HOPE I CAN JUMP INTO YOUR LIVES IN THIS FORUM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CENSORSHIP THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, BUT IT OBVIOUSLY UPSET YOU BOTH.

I WISH THEY WOULD CALL THIS FORUM, GOD AND SURVIVORS, INSTEAD OF RELIGION AND SURVIVORS. NEIL IS RIGHT, ONE MUST FIRST SEEK GOD, THEN GOD WILL HEAL. THAT IS WHAT MY HUSBAND HAD TO DO. WHILE HE STILL HAS MAJOR STRUGGLIES, HE KNOWS THAT GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL GIVE HIM STRENGTH, HOPE, FORGIVENESS, PEACE, AND LIFE. GOD CAN FIX ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, BUT IT IS NEVER A QUICK FIX. HE LOVES YOU, AND MORE THAN ANYONE, KNOWS WHAT IT BEST FOR YOU, SOMETIMES, IT IS HEARTWRENCHINGLY PAINFUL, BUT HE HAS A PLAN FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.

AS FAR AS GOD BEING MASCULINE, TRY NOT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY. GOD IS OUR FATHER, YES, BUT HE HAS EQUAL MASCULINE AND FEMININE TRAITS. WHEN YOU NEED COMFORTING, THINK OF JESUS. HE CAME TO EARTH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SORT OF UNEVENTFUL, BUT MAKE IT YOUR OWN. WHILE HE SUFFERED ON THE CROSS, HE BECAME A MURDERER, A LIAR, A CHEAT, A THEIF, A MANIPULATOR, EVERYTHING SINFUL. THAT WAS HIS PURPOSE. HE CAME TO SAVE US AND WHEN WE NEEDED IT TO GIVE US GRACE.

GRACE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL CONCEPT. GRACE FREES US FROM SO MANY THINGS. JESUS LOVES US AND FORGIVES US FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. WE JUST NEED TO ASK HIM INTO OUR LIVES, LISTEN, AND OBEY.

I, TOO, HAD TO TRUST GOD WITH MY LIFE. I WAS READY TO WALK SEVERAL TIMES DURING MY MARRAIGE, BUT GOD TOLD ME TO STAY. I DID NOT KNOW WHY. NOW GOD IS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE, MY HUSBAND IS SAVED, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SO MUCH HEALTHIER, OUR CHILDREN WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE MARRIED PARENTS, AND GOD HAS PLACED ME WITH CHILDREN WHO ARE GOING THROUGH ABUSE IN THEIR LIVES NOW AND WANTS ME TO HELP THEM. THERE WAS A PURPOSE FOR ME TO SEE WHAT SEXUAL ABUSE CAN DO TO A PERSON LATER IN LIFE, IF NO ONE HELPES THEM.

HANG IN THERE!


Top
#76410 - 12/16/00 10:40 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Hey Marsha, It's good to hear from you again. As far as I'm concerned you are always welcome to post here. I enjoy you're insight on things. I hope seekingGood will feel the same way. I really don't think we were censored here. I think someone, maybe the moderator, screwed up and wiped the whole post off of the screen. At least I hope that's what happened. There was nothing said in the original post that I thought should have been taken out. Anyway, I guess only the person that wiped it out can answer that. seekingGood, I hope things are a little better for you than the last time we talked. I know the holiday season is here and it's always difficult to get through if you are struggling with mixed feelings about youself and your situation. Please understand what a brave person I think you are for stepping out and taking on this journey. Marsha is right. Healing will not take place overnight, but it can happen. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone. You have all the support you need if you just ask for it. Human support is very important in the healing process but God can give you all the strength that you need. Please always keep that in mind. He is right beside you and will never leave you no matter how you feel or what you do. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Neil


Top
#76411 - 12/16/00 08:59 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
Anonymous
Unregistered


Neil and seekingGood,

I will try and find out what happened to your post seekingGood. Our policy does not include editing anyone's post unless its obviously abusive.


Top
#76412 - 12/17/00 06:55 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Administrator, Thank you for looking into this for us. I still feel like it was just an error but it was really bad timing. seekingGood was looking for validation and got erased. It had to make him wonder. I hope it doesn't stop him from coming back here and posting his thoughts. Again, thanks for your help.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.