Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
corvairman1 (43), marianne (44), son (35), speedy (31)
Who's Online
1 registered (Tanis2105), 52 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62521 Topics
438140 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#76403 - 12/11/00 03:58 AM Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
What happened to the post by seekingGood? It somehow got taken out of this forum.


Top
#76404 - 12/11/00 08:32 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Neil: I am here but my words are not. I am sad to see them go. My prayer was one I had hoped to repeat. Thankyou for asking for me. You have been a source of strength for me this week. I am home with my family and I am in control so far. I am of course tempted, but not so strongly as before. I need this interaction with the truth to stay focused and I thankyou again for listening. If I have written something wrongly I would like to know. If this was a conscious censorship of my thoughts, please let me know that as well. It is not my intention to offend, simply to hang on to the truth and grow stronger in a new commitment to God. It is not easy -even in this vast internet, to find a safe forum for what I hope to share. . .I thought I had found such a place. Am I wrong?


Top
#76405 - 12/12/00 12:08 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Good question...I was about to respond to that, but it is gone...


Top
#76406 - 12/12/00 04:27 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I did respond, at lenghth. I'm not sure if you got that response before they wiped it out. I'm hoping it was just a goof up by the moderator. I didn't read anything in your posts that would have needed to be taken out, especially in the religion forum. They did ask us once to move our conversation from the regular forum down to the religion forum but didn't wipe it out completely. Anyway, let me know if you didn't get to read my response before it was taken off. I will try it again. It's good to see that abcd is still around.


Top
#76407 - 12/14/00 09:48 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Neil, I did read your kind response and go to your site where I read your story. It made a difference to me and caused me to weep. I am sorry you did not read my response to your response, but at this point it seems ridiculous to go on about what was written and lost. I feel spiritually cold. It is a real challenge for me to trust anyone and that includes God. It makes sense to me that because God is masculine and my perpetrators were men, I will have trouble letting my guard down with God. I have always been more sympathetic with women. In my experience men can be horrible, and that includes me. One thing I wrote in response to your post was an expression of my fear that you may have wanted soomething from me. So often in my life men have seen me as a sexual object and imposed their desires on me. I feel nauseous right now. It took me until I was 24 before I learned I could say no to men. Somehow, I always denied the pain their abuse caused me. Sometimes, I turned around and abused women in similar ways. I can remember mimicking my brother's psychological trickery as I attempted to baffle a date into sleeping with me or accepting my sexual self-interest. I can remember attempting to dominate another girlfriend using the exact same music and arguments as were used on me by a college roomate. I have hurt others through my selfish actions. Lord, please forgive me and please heal those I have injured. Heavenly Father, I am praying now that you take away this choking lump in my throat and replace it with a confidence in you and your promise of salvation. God, I need to be saved. I cannot survive alone. I always hurt myself and others. I do not want to die oh Lord, and I too often day-dream of that as an escape from the pain and frustration I feel. I have nearly lost my wife and child due to my selfish and dysfunctional nature. My "addiction" to sexual materials and failure to see what is real in my life. I have been destructive and I want to stop. Thankyou for listening. I have been shutdown, my wife doesn't understand my hurt and my need to focus on it. I feel stupid because she has seen me writing and just doesn't get it. I don't get it either. I am acting on faith and my faith is very weak. Being deleted doesn't help either. I wish someone could take responsibility for that action so I could trust that I am safe to write here or not. I do not feel safe tonight: I feel sick to my stomach, and sad, and very tired. I want to tell my story, but part of me believes it isn't real. I might be using this as a way to excuse myself from being an asshole. Sometimes I am so cold, I feel evil. I can turn off my empathy and feel nothing. It is usually too much or too little feeling, never what I think should be normal. I have never been normal. I don't know how. When I try, I feel oppressed. When I act different, I feel lonely and ashamed. I am very alone. I almost feel like a different species. I have to go. Please pray for me. I am desperate to feel something real that doesn't get poisoned.
Goodnight.


Top
#76408 - 12/15/00 04:44 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I thihk what you read was my short response that asked you to read my story. I did get to read your response to that as well as the prayer that you posted. I sent you a fairly lengthy note after that. I think that's when it got wiped out. I find myself again with not much time to write so this note must be short. I understand many of the feelings that you are having right now. I struggled with the same ones for years. It's tough to function when you feel so bad about yourself. It sounds like you feel you aren't worthy of God's love and you want to change and get better in order to be worthy. I think you're doing it backwards. God loves us no matter how bad we feel we are. Don't try to change and then seek God. Seek God and He will show you the path to healing. I understand the trust issue that you are dealing with. I'm still working through that myself. I've found out though that God is the one person that I can trust above all others. His demands on us are much less than humans. He only asks that we believe. That's it. Sounds like you do. Work with that. I'll write more when I can. Maybe this weekend. I'll continue to pray for your healing. Neil


Top
#76409 - 12/15/00 09:25 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
I HOPE I CAN JUMP INTO YOUR LIVES IN THIS FORUM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CENSORSHIP THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, BUT IT OBVIOUSLY UPSET YOU BOTH.

I WISH THEY WOULD CALL THIS FORUM, GOD AND SURVIVORS, INSTEAD OF RELIGION AND SURVIVORS. NEIL IS RIGHT, ONE MUST FIRST SEEK GOD, THEN GOD WILL HEAL. THAT IS WHAT MY HUSBAND HAD TO DO. WHILE HE STILL HAS MAJOR STRUGGLIES, HE KNOWS THAT GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL GIVE HIM STRENGTH, HOPE, FORGIVENESS, PEACE, AND LIFE. GOD CAN FIX ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, BUT IT IS NEVER A QUICK FIX. HE LOVES YOU, AND MORE THAN ANYONE, KNOWS WHAT IT BEST FOR YOU, SOMETIMES, IT IS HEARTWRENCHINGLY PAINFUL, BUT HE HAS A PLAN FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.

AS FAR AS GOD BEING MASCULINE, TRY NOT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY. GOD IS OUR FATHER, YES, BUT HE HAS EQUAL MASCULINE AND FEMININE TRAITS. WHEN YOU NEED COMFORTING, THINK OF JESUS. HE CAME TO EARTH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SORT OF UNEVENTFUL, BUT MAKE IT YOUR OWN. WHILE HE SUFFERED ON THE CROSS, HE BECAME A MURDERER, A LIAR, A CHEAT, A THEIF, A MANIPULATOR, EVERYTHING SINFUL. THAT WAS HIS PURPOSE. HE CAME TO SAVE US AND WHEN WE NEEDED IT TO GIVE US GRACE.

GRACE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL CONCEPT. GRACE FREES US FROM SO MANY THINGS. JESUS LOVES US AND FORGIVES US FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. WE JUST NEED TO ASK HIM INTO OUR LIVES, LISTEN, AND OBEY.

I, TOO, HAD TO TRUST GOD WITH MY LIFE. I WAS READY TO WALK SEVERAL TIMES DURING MY MARRAIGE, BUT GOD TOLD ME TO STAY. I DID NOT KNOW WHY. NOW GOD IS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE, MY HUSBAND IS SAVED, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SO MUCH HEALTHIER, OUR CHILDREN WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE MARRIED PARENTS, AND GOD HAS PLACED ME WITH CHILDREN WHO ARE GOING THROUGH ABUSE IN THEIR LIVES NOW AND WANTS ME TO HELP THEM. THERE WAS A PURPOSE FOR ME TO SEE WHAT SEXUAL ABUSE CAN DO TO A PERSON LATER IN LIFE, IF NO ONE HELPES THEM.

HANG IN THERE!


Top
#76410 - 12/16/00 10:40 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Hey Marsha, It's good to hear from you again. As far as I'm concerned you are always welcome to post here. I enjoy you're insight on things. I hope seekingGood will feel the same way. I really don't think we were censored here. I think someone, maybe the moderator, screwed up and wiped the whole post off of the screen. At least I hope that's what happened. There was nothing said in the original post that I thought should have been taken out. Anyway, I guess only the person that wiped it out can answer that. seekingGood, I hope things are a little better for you than the last time we talked. I know the holiday season is here and it's always difficult to get through if you are struggling with mixed feelings about youself and your situation. Please understand what a brave person I think you are for stepping out and taking on this journey. Marsha is right. Healing will not take place overnight, but it can happen. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone. You have all the support you need if you just ask for it. Human support is very important in the healing process but God can give you all the strength that you need. Please always keep that in mind. He is right beside you and will never leave you no matter how you feel or what you do. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Neil


Top
#76411 - 12/16/00 08:59 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
Anonymous
Unregistered


Neil and seekingGood,

I will try and find out what happened to your post seekingGood. Our policy does not include editing anyone's post unless its obviously abusive.


Top
#76412 - 12/17/00 06:55 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Administrator, Thank you for looking into this for us. I still feel like it was just an error but it was really bad timing. seekingGood was looking for validation and got erased. It had to make him wonder. I hope it doesn't stop him from coming back here and posting his thoughts. Again, thanks for your help.


Top
#76413 - 12/17/00 11:36 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
I do feel nervous about posting here now. Rationally, I understand it was an accident. Emotionally, I still have the feelings of being erased. The thoughts I had expressed which are the most difficult for me were those of my time when I was truly lost. My college days were spent in sin and abuse. I lived with a gay man for a year and on a few occasions he convinced me to sleep with him. I somehow felt that this was ok seeing as my brothers had already exposed me to gay sex and part of me longed to fit in somewhere. I now struggle with staying present. I enter a stressed fog and avoid contact with my wife. I almost lost everything a couple of weeks ago, I know I still could. It is wonderful to hear from a woman. I have always felt great safety when in the company of women. Men have been my perpetrators and I do not feel safe with them. I am here to develop trust in my ability to stay clean of self-distructive behavior. I am here to learn to trust God. When I was a teenager, I went to Babtist camp and was "born again". When I arrived home, my father ridiculed me - asking how long that particular high would last this time. I learned to be cynical like him, but always longed for something pure. Hence my adopted name seekingGood. My father is a man I both love and hate. Once, during a party he was throwing at our house, he walked in on my brother , my sister , and I playing my brother's special version of strip poker. He laughed and went back to the party. My brother is 5 years older than I and 3 years older than my sister. He is disturbed sexually and even to this day can only maintain a relationship if it is tinged with perversion. He is currently sleeping/living with my female cousin. I am so out of control when he is near. I have not spoken to him or corresponded for 2 years now. I greatly miss him and feel sad that I reject his presence. If I get close to him, however, he makes me crazy. On my wedding night 7 years ago, he stayed in my room until 4:00 am and essentially ruined my wife and I's very important first night. I was unwilliing or unable to ask him to leave. He has always cast a spell on me. I have had a history of being unable to say no to men. My brother raised me to be a victim. Thankyou for your prayers, I feel strengthened by this virtual community. It is so rare that I am able to talk and feel understood. My wife tries to understand, but she does not share my experience. She cannot understand. One of the things that she will do to hurt me is accuse me of being gay. I am not gay and have spent my life shaking off my abusive and mixed up gay experiences. I feel I need to be cleansed. I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I was not abused more. I don't believe that what happened to me should cause such insanity in me. It does. I get out of control and lose myself in wicked distractions. Please God, bring me closer to you and give me the strength to turn away from doubt and sin. In your holy name I pray, Amen.


Top
#76414 - 12/18/00 08:35 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Shelatowie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 11
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
Quote:
Originally posted by Neil:
What happened to the post by seekingGood? It somehow got taken out of this forum.


Dear Neil and all who post here.

Please post freely here, I wish i could tell you what happened to the missing posts as I do not know. I can say that I DID NOT remove your posts nor the reply's on this forum. Please accept my appologies to anyone who may feel slighted or silenced. Please understand that I have very strong feelings in regards to speeking openly here. I was assigned as moderator here and regretably I have been away for a while.

I believe it is time for me to open up to everyone here. I bear the same feelings of shame and unworthiness in regards to A past that I had no control over. If you only knew the abuse and perversions that had been imposed on me you might be able to better understand my silence. I do not feel that I could serve as an example of proper Christianity. I am who I am and I am exactly who Jesus had designed me to be. There is much need for improvement within myself and I Thank God for my survival and his incredible forgiveness and grace. I will check in more often to chat. I also could use the support and stablity of this forum. Even though i have been assigned as moderator please, please feel free to write to me as you would anyone else here. I am not an authority nor am I a preacher. I just want to be one of the guy's here, nothing more. I accepted this moderator position in order to protect everyone here from abusive folks who might post upsetting material to this group and nothing more. Sadly I have not checked in often enough. I am Sorry to have let everyone down but I am also thrilled to see such active postings within this forum. Once again
I do not feel alone with my trauma's, disfunctions and finally Thank Jesus I am not alone in my struggle with all the issues surrounding my faith.
Your's In Christ!
Shawn


Top
#76415 - 12/19/00 03:27 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
DEAR SEEKING GOOD,

AS I TOLD TINKER ON ANOTHER POST, THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE THAT I, TOO, FELT SAFE FOR A WHILE. I HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN ABUSED, BUT MY HUSBAND WAS. I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE FACE TO FACE ABOUT THIS, AND MY HUSBAND HAD HIS OWN ISSUES. I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO FEEL SAFE.

I CAN RELATE TO YOUR WIFE'S HURT, HOWEVER, SHE SHOULD NOT BE THROWING ANYTHING "OUT THERE" TO HURT YOU. MY HUSBAND ALSO STRUGGLES OCCATIONLY WITH GAY TENDENCIES, ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HAS NOT ACTED OUT ON THEM. HE TENDED TO ACT OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN, OR BECOME COMPULSIVE WITH WORK, DRINKING, EVEN SLEEPING. HE TOO KNOWS THAT HE ISN'T GAY. IT HAS BEEN A ROLLERCOASTER OF A MARRAIGE FOR THE PAST 9 YEARS. I DO BELIEVE THAT THIS SUMMER WE HIT BOTTOM AND NOW WE TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER.

MY POINT OF ALL THIS IS, HE TENDS TO STRUGGLE WITH THIS ISSUE WHEN OTHER ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE ARE/WERE CHAOTIC: MARRAIGE, WORK, FINANCES, ETC.

IS THERE ANYWAY THAT YOU CAN REMOVE YOURSELF FROM YOUR FAMILY, JUST UNTIL YOU FEEL SOMEWHAT STRONGER? YOU SOUND SO DISTRESSED.

CAN YOU DEPEND ON ANYONE IN CHURCH OR ANOTHER "SAFE" CHRISTIAN FRIEND? IS YOUR WIFE CHRISTION?

MY ALTIME FAVORITE VERSE IS FROM PSALMS. "I LIFT MY EYES TO THE HILLS FROM WHERE DOES MY HELP COME, MY HELP IT COMES FROM THE LORD, WHO MADE HEAVEN AND EARTH...THE LORD IS MY KEEPER THE LORD IS THE SHADE ON MY RIGHT HAND, THE SUN SHALL NOT HURT ME BY DAY OR THE MOON BY NIGHT..."

MARSHA


Top
#76416 - 12/19/00 09:44 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Thankyou for your words. I really do not want to leave my home. I am away on business all too often as it is. This challenges me and my family in so many ways. When I do get a chance to be home, I just have to focus on the important things and do good. My posts here help me to control myself and stay clear-minded. Thank you also for the psalm reference. I need to grow closer to God. I can not make it alone.


Top
#76417 - 12/20/00 04:38 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
seekingGood, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a little more in control. That's a big step. I'm proud of the work you are doing. You should be too. Shawn, Thank you for your input and for assuring us all that we are safe here. It's good to hear from you again. I will continue to pray for the healing work that is done in this forum. God bless you.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, SamV 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.