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#76413 - 12/17/00 11:36 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
I do feel nervous about posting here now. Rationally, I understand it was an accident. Emotionally, I still have the feelings of being erased. The thoughts I had expressed which are the most difficult for me were those of my time when I was truly lost. My college days were spent in sin and abuse. I lived with a gay man for a year and on a few occasions he convinced me to sleep with him. I somehow felt that this was ok seeing as my brothers had already exposed me to gay sex and part of me longed to fit in somewhere. I now struggle with staying present. I enter a stressed fog and avoid contact with my wife. I almost lost everything a couple of weeks ago, I know I still could. It is wonderful to hear from a woman. I have always felt great safety when in the company of women. Men have been my perpetrators and I do not feel safe with them. I am here to develop trust in my ability to stay clean of self-distructive behavior. I am here to learn to trust God. When I was a teenager, I went to Babtist camp and was "born again". When I arrived home, my father ridiculed me - asking how long that particular high would last this time. I learned to be cynical like him, but always longed for something pure. Hence my adopted name seekingGood. My father is a man I both love and hate. Once, during a party he was throwing at our house, he walked in on my brother , my sister , and I playing my brother's special version of strip poker. He laughed and went back to the party. My brother is 5 years older than I and 3 years older than my sister. He is disturbed sexually and even to this day can only maintain a relationship if it is tinged with perversion. He is currently sleeping/living with my female cousin. I am so out of control when he is near. I have not spoken to him or corresponded for 2 years now. I greatly miss him and feel sad that I reject his presence. If I get close to him, however, he makes me crazy. On my wedding night 7 years ago, he stayed in my room until 4:00 am and essentially ruined my wife and I's very important first night. I was unwilliing or unable to ask him to leave. He has always cast a spell on me. I have had a history of being unable to say no to men. My brother raised me to be a victim. Thankyou for your prayers, I feel strengthened by this virtual community. It is so rare that I am able to talk and feel understood. My wife tries to understand, but she does not share my experience. She cannot understand. One of the things that she will do to hurt me is accuse me of being gay. I am not gay and have spent my life shaking off my abusive and mixed up gay experiences. I feel I need to be cleansed. I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I was not abused more. I don't believe that what happened to me should cause such insanity in me. It does. I get out of control and lose myself in wicked distractions. Please God, bring me closer to you and give me the strength to turn away from doubt and sin. In your holy name I pray, Amen.


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#76414 - 12/18/00 08:35 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Shelatowie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 11
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
Quote:
Originally posted by Neil:
What happened to the post by seekingGood? It somehow got taken out of this forum.


Dear Neil and all who post here.

Please post freely here, I wish i could tell you what happened to the missing posts as I do not know. I can say that I DID NOT remove your posts nor the reply's on this forum. Please accept my appologies to anyone who may feel slighted or silenced. Please understand that I have very strong feelings in regards to speeking openly here. I was assigned as moderator here and regretably I have been away for a while.

I believe it is time for me to open up to everyone here. I bear the same feelings of shame and unworthiness in regards to A past that I had no control over. If you only knew the abuse and perversions that had been imposed on me you might be able to better understand my silence. I do not feel that I could serve as an example of proper Christianity. I am who I am and I am exactly who Jesus had designed me to be. There is much need for improvement within myself and I Thank God for my survival and his incredible forgiveness and grace. I will check in more often to chat. I also could use the support and stablity of this forum. Even though i have been assigned as moderator please, please feel free to write to me as you would anyone else here. I am not an authority nor am I a preacher. I just want to be one of the guy's here, nothing more. I accepted this moderator position in order to protect everyone here from abusive folks who might post upsetting material to this group and nothing more. Sadly I have not checked in often enough. I am Sorry to have let everyone down but I am also thrilled to see such active postings within this forum. Once again
I do not feel alone with my trauma's, disfunctions and finally Thank Jesus I am not alone in my struggle with all the issues surrounding my faith.
Your's In Christ!
Shawn


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#76415 - 12/19/00 03:27 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
DEAR SEEKING GOOD,

AS I TOLD TINKER ON ANOTHER POST, THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE THAT I, TOO, FELT SAFE FOR A WHILE. I HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN ABUSED, BUT MY HUSBAND WAS. I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE FACE TO FACE ABOUT THIS, AND MY HUSBAND HAD HIS OWN ISSUES. I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO FEEL SAFE.

I CAN RELATE TO YOUR WIFE'S HURT, HOWEVER, SHE SHOULD NOT BE THROWING ANYTHING "OUT THERE" TO HURT YOU. MY HUSBAND ALSO STRUGGLES OCCATIONLY WITH GAY TENDENCIES, ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HAS NOT ACTED OUT ON THEM. HE TENDED TO ACT OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN, OR BECOME COMPULSIVE WITH WORK, DRINKING, EVEN SLEEPING. HE TOO KNOWS THAT HE ISN'T GAY. IT HAS BEEN A ROLLERCOASTER OF A MARRAIGE FOR THE PAST 9 YEARS. I DO BELIEVE THAT THIS SUMMER WE HIT BOTTOM AND NOW WE TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER.

MY POINT OF ALL THIS IS, HE TENDS TO STRUGGLE WITH THIS ISSUE WHEN OTHER ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE ARE/WERE CHAOTIC: MARRAIGE, WORK, FINANCES, ETC.

IS THERE ANYWAY THAT YOU CAN REMOVE YOURSELF FROM YOUR FAMILY, JUST UNTIL YOU FEEL SOMEWHAT STRONGER? YOU SOUND SO DISTRESSED.

CAN YOU DEPEND ON ANYONE IN CHURCH OR ANOTHER "SAFE" CHRISTIAN FRIEND? IS YOUR WIFE CHRISTION?

MY ALTIME FAVORITE VERSE IS FROM PSALMS. "I LIFT MY EYES TO THE HILLS FROM WHERE DOES MY HELP COME, MY HELP IT COMES FROM THE LORD, WHO MADE HEAVEN AND EARTH...THE LORD IS MY KEEPER THE LORD IS THE SHADE ON MY RIGHT HAND, THE SUN SHALL NOT HURT ME BY DAY OR THE MOON BY NIGHT..."

MARSHA


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#76416 - 12/19/00 09:44 PM Re: Where is seekingGood
seekingGood Offline
Member

Registered: 12/04/00
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Thankyou for your words. I really do not want to leave my home. I am away on business all too often as it is. This challenges me and my family in so many ways. When I do get a chance to be home, I just have to focus on the important things and do good. My posts here help me to control myself and stay clear-minded. Thank you also for the psalm reference. I need to grow closer to God. I can not make it alone.


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#76417 - 12/20/00 04:38 AM Re: Where is seekingGood
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
seekingGood, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a little more in control. That's a big step. I'm proud of the work you are doing. You should be too. Shawn, Thank you for your input and for assuring us all that we are safe here. It's good to hear from you again. I will continue to pray for the healing work that is done in this forum. God bless you.


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