so i figured since everyone was posting their stories i should as well so you all can get to know me. i found this site a few days ago. so a little about me first. im 23. gay. in west hollywood california. i guess it starts when i moved to cali. i moved here when i was 14. it was the first time i went to public school (went to boarding school prior) and so i was totally an outcast. i knew i was gay which further added to the separation of me and everyone else. so i went to find out what "being gay" meant. being close to west hollywood it was easy. for those of you who dont know, weho is the gay area of LA. anyway.. soon after my outings to the gay clubs (i couldnt go in because i was 14, but i would hang around outside) i met Mark. he owned one of the clubs. at first he was annoyed with me. he started to befriend me. we would hang out after school and on weekends. he woudl take me out to dinner and stuff. and then one day he asks me if i ever thought about being in the movies... of course, being a dumb kid, i had this fantasy of hollywood and seeing myself on the big screen. so of course i said yes.

So he told me that I had to do a screen test first. And I told him I would. So the next day I went back to his apartment. He told me that I had to follow his instructions. I said okay. There was a white sheet hanging on the wall and he told me to stand in front of it. There was a camera set up and he said he wanted to film the test. So I stood in front of the sheet. He told me to take off my shirt to show off my muscles. So I did. He told me to flex my muscles and I did. And he told me to take off my pants. I remember I was nervous because no one has seen me that naked before and I didn’t want him to see my body. I felt awkward and ugly. And he says “come on. its not a big deal. All great actors can stand in front of the camera in their underwear” and I finally kicked off my shoes and lowered my pants. I was standing there and I was embarrassed. Then he said “Little J, you are beautiful.” He called me little J. it was the first time anyone had ever called me beautiful. I began to loosen up and I wasn’t embarrassed. He came over and was on camera with me. He stood behind me and wrapped one arm around my chest and the other one he put down my underwear. He whispred to me “just relax.” And I did. I let him get me hard. He then lowered my underwear and I didn’t feel exposed. It felt so good when he touched me. He told me that I was doing so well. But he wanted to another part of the screen test. He lead me into the bedroom. And he brought the camera in with him. he pulled off the bedspread so it was just a sheet. No pillows or anything. And he told me to sit. I sat on the edge. He took off my socks. My feet were cold. He went into the other room and came back with a dildo. He asked if I knew was it was. I didn’t. I hadn’t seen one before. He told me that all young gay guys use them and he would show me how. And I said okay. He said first tho you need to get loosened up. I didn’t know what he meant. And he told me to kneel on the bed on all fours. I did. but he told me to turn around. My head was facing the camera but he wanted the other end. So I did. he told me that he was going to loosen me up. But he needed to put lube on me first. And he did. and it was cold and I was surprised to feel his fingers back there. And then he told me to relax. And he pushed his finger inside me. I tightened. It hurt. It didn’t feel right. My back arched. He took it out. He said “come on little J. you need to relax” he rubbed my back and said that we were going to try again. He pushed his finger in. it felt like I was going to shit myself. I told him that he should stop. And he says “it always hurts like that the first time just relax and it wont.” And I said okay. He then said that it was time to show me how to use the dildo. He told me to hold it and feel it first. I did. it was big and kinda soft. He says “okay little J, im going to make you a man. That’s what you want right?” and I said yeah. And he says okay. He puts more lube on my ass. Kneels next to me and puts one arm around my stomach holding me and the other he presses the dildo to my ass. He starts to push it in and I tense. I struggle tying to move away but he holds me. He says “relax. This is how men have sex” he pushes it in further and I thought he was tearing me in half. I was on fire. It hurt so bad. I started to cry. He says “don’t cry. Real men don’t cry. Its not even all the way in yet. Be a man” and I muttered okay. And I stopped crying. He finished putting it in. and started to move it around. I relaxed. He asked me if I liked it. And I said I did even tho I didn’t. and he takes it out. And lets go of me. I fall onto the bed. He rubs my back and says “nice little J. real nice. You are going to be a big star.” And then he told me to put on my underwear and go into the living room. I went in there and we sat and watched the video. And he told me how well I did. and we laughed when I cried. When I went home my mom asked what I did that day. I told I just hung out with friends. She didn’t need to know. Someone thought I was beautiful. And I was happy about that. I was also happy that I passed the screen test.

soon after this, i went to the studio for the first time. it was a space set up for filming. there were other guys there my age. the first time i watched how it was done. i sat with Mark and he told me exactly how it all worked. two boys got on set and mark and a couple of other older guys would give them directions. this particular time it was just one of the boys jacking off the other one. Mark explained how seeing young guys made some people very happy. Over the next couple of weeks Mark would show me different ways to have sex so I would be able to perform in front of the camera. Eventually I became his favorite. I was shown favoritism and I was the one he chose most often. I liked feeling special.

I would go to school during the day and then go to the studio. In between sets I would do my homework. I did this until I started getting phased out when I was 17 for being too old. I was devistated. I was hurt that mark didnt like me anymore and that I would have to leave all my friends. One of my last shoots was right before Christmas. I was half way through my junior year in highschool. In may, there was a blood drive at school so i lied on the application and donated blood. i got a call from the red cross after that saying i needed to get tested for HIV. it turns out that i was HIV+. By the end of July I couldnt keep it a secret from my parents so I told them I was gay, and that i was HIV+.. nothing about Mark. (they still dont know) My parents gave me 2 hours to pack and get out of the house.

for 2 weeks i was homeless. i realized how willing people were to take a young guy home with them so i started hustling. i would have sex with guys to have a place to stay and a shower in the morning. after 2 weeks of that, i went to marks. i stayed with him paying him with sex as well. i was about to start my senior year in highschool.

jonathan was my senior english teacher. he knew something was up and one day i jsut broke down and told him about mark. (not the past stuff, but just how i was styaing with him and paying with sex) so jonathan resucued me and i lived with him and his partner for 3 years. all the while i continued to hustle for money. it was easy quick money. of course with this came a series of rapes and abuse from the guys who hired me. even still i started college. and reciently graduted which was a huge accomplishment. i stopped hustling right after a graduated.. so that was in may. in a way, i miss it. but i started therapy and im working out my issues there. and i found this site.. so for the first time im coming clean.