I was abused by a man who did some work on our house. My parents let me stay the night with him after he asked to take me to a movie(a movie was out of the question because of religious convictions, but letting me stay the night...) I can't get over how good it felt to have someone interested in me and how good it felt to have someone talk to me. What a letdown when he began fondling me after I fell asleep. I didn't even want to get into bed with him, I wanted to sleep on the couch and watch tv. I remember how nervous he acted when he decided it was time to go to bed. I started crying and got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I remember the dread I felt and the confusion. What was I going to do now? Where could I go, what would he do if I called my parents? I just got back into bed with him. He was crying, too and said how sorry he was. He said he was sorry if it hurt me. I am I weak person because I didn't yell and scream and try to get away? I was ten, what do ten year olds know? Why can't I hate him for being an evil man? Why the HELL did my parents give him permission to let me stay with him? Why didn't I tell my mother the truth when she asked if anything happened? Why do I have to have an idiot for a father who would tell my brother the asshole what happened. Why do I have to put up with a brother who would laugh at me and call me weak for being abused-what kind of a brother would say that nothing like that would ever happen to him because he was a "tough" kid who would have known what to do? I'm so tired of dealing with my family- specifically my brother. I don't remember much about the morning after the abuse, is that good or bad? Is it possible I blocked something out? Am I just over analizing the whole thing? I do feel shame for not being able to get over this "mild" abuse- It could have been a lot worse. Why can't I let go of the anger and pain? Why can't I just forgive and forget? I don't like myself right now, I feel angry and abusive myself. I'm so tired of causing pain and problems in other people's lives. God help me!
Luke 18:10-14 Once there were two men who went into the temple to pray... for those who make themselves great will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be made great.