Today is the 5th anniversary of the day I confronted the Man who abused me.
posted 06-21-2001 03:58 PMJune 21, 2001 08:58 PM
I had not seen nor spoken to my abuser for 25 years. He had no idea that this Friday morning (June 15, 2001) was going to be a lot different than his typical Friday mornings.
We had to convince Bob (my abuser), to go down to the police department voluntarily. This was not terribly difficult to do. Our plan was to stake out the diner that he eats breakfast at everyday. When he pulled in the parking lot, Rick (the detective I’m working with), approached him in the parking lot as he exited his car. I was watching the front door of the diner from about a block away. Rick asked him to go down to the station to discuss something with him. He alluded to allegations of fraud involving the Housing and Urban Development Department (HUD did repairs and maintenance on Bob’s house). We had absolutely no reason to believe that Bob was involved in fraud, so we were confident that he would want to cooperate with police and clear his “good Name” against these bogus allegations. Bob got back into his car and followed the detective to the police station. I followed them in my car and gave them a few minutes to get settled in Rick’s office (where the interrogation took place). I then entered the room next to Rick’s office and spent the next 3 hours watching the interrogation through a one way mirror and a hearing everything that said through a intercom system.
When I arrived in the room, the interrogation had already begun. Rick was joking and making small talk with Bob, making him feel more comfortable. Bob tells him that he works part time in a local mall operating a carousel. He also sets up a booth at some fairs and flea markets to do sand art with the kids (Don’t worry, I addressed this issue when I confronted him). Rick then start to set the stage. He says, “Bob, we all have done things in our lives that we wished we didn’t do. We’ve all made mistakes and done things that we were not proud of. Do you know what I mean?” Rick goes on to say, “ Bob, everyone, including me, I have done some things in my life that I was ashamed of. I wish I had never done them but I did. I mean bad things, mistakes that I wished to god that no one ever finds out. I have been ashamed and embarrassed some of the things I’ve done. Do you know what I mean Bob?” Bob nods his head in agreement; he has a forced smile on his face. He still thinks that Rick is going to ask him about defrauding HUD.
Rick then gives Bob a little speech about how confessing things really helps diminish stress in your life. Bob nods all the way through the speech. He spends most of the time looking at the floor but occasionally makes eye contact with Rick. Rick then asks Bob if he knows what he is talking about. Bob says something about not doing anything wrong with HUD. Rick looks at him and tells him he is not talking about HUD. Bob looks at the floor. Rick says, “Bob, you know why you’re here, don’t you? You have made some mistakes. You have done some things in your life that you are not proud of, that you are ashamed of. The guilt is killing you and you wished these things never happened. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but you know deep down, you did. You know what I am talking about don’t you?” Bob bows his head and says yes. Bob then tells Rick that he was arrested in 1965 for sodomy in the second degree. He was given a sentence of 10 years but the judge suspends the sentence (this means that he didn’t do ANY prison time and was placed on probation for a few years). He then signed himself into a mental hospital for 6 months. He sodomized 3 young boys. (We were not aware of this arrest. For some reason, it did not show up on his criminal history check. I have no idea why it wasn’t there).
Bob told Rick about his High School days; when he and his friends would have sex. He didn’t go into many details. He also told Rick about his years that he spent in the Navy, (back in the late 50’s and early 60’s). He was stationed near Boston. He would cruise the streets in and around Boston looking for boys to have sex with. He would approach boys in parks or hitchhiking. Rick asked him how many people he was talking about. Rick asked, more that 5, more that 10, more that 25, more than 50, more than 100? Bob kept shaking his head yes. Rick asked him to explain how he would approach these boys. Bob told him that he never used force, but would just ask them to do things for him. If they agreed or didn’t resist, he would have oral sex with them. If they said “no”, he would just find someone else.
Rick asked him if there were any more boys after he got arrested in 1965. Bob said “no”. Rick tells Bob that based on his training and experience in working these kinds of cases; there must have been more victims. Bob again flatly denies that were any more victims. Rick spends a few more minutes on this point but hits a brick wall. Rick moves on to ask him about where he lived after he got out of the hospital. Bob tells him that he lived in Schenectady for several years in the mid 1970’s. Rick asks Bob if he there were any more boys in Schenectady. Bob continues to deny that there were any other victims. Rick keeps insisting there must be more boys and Bob keeps denying. Rick gets up and leaves the room.
Rick comes into my room and tells me that he is concerned. He doesn’t think Bob is going to talk. I tell Rick he is doing a great job and he just needs to be patient. I assure Rick that Bob will talk. I know this guys personality. He is dying inside. I can see it in his body language. He will talk. He just needs a little nudge. I told Rick about the thousands of porn books and magazines he had in his house when he lived in Schenectady. Bob also had a Bible on his coffee table back in 1975. It was always there perfectly centered on the coffee table. I told Rick what the inside of Bob’s house looked like in 1975. I told him where the furniture was and even what color it was. When Rick goes back into the room, another investigator (Jeff) goes in with him. Now the tag-team starts.
Rick and Jeff go into the room and begin to question him again. After asking his several questions at the same time, Bob admits to cruising the streets of Albany and Schenectady picking up young boys. They talk about that for a while. Rick tells Bob that he knows of at least one boy that came over to his house. Rick says, “Bob, you know what happened in Schenectady. What if I told you what color couch you had in 1975? What if I told you that there was a Bible perfectly centered on your coffee table? You had a Bible on your coffee table didn’t you? Does that jog your memory?” Bob admits that there was a Bible on his coffee table. Now Bob changes his tune a little bit. Instead of flatly denying everything, he now says he can’t really remember any boys. Rick offers to help him with his memory loss. Rick asks him if he had anyone who shoveled his sidewalk in the winter. Jeff pipes in that they know everything about his entire life. “You don’t have to keep your secrets anymore. We know everything about you”. You will feel better when you decide to tell us about your “mistakes”. You will feel much better when you get everything off your chest.”
Bob looks down to the floor and begins to shake his head yes. Rick tells him that he is going to feel so much better when he frees himself of all his secrets. Bob then tells Rick that there was a boy who shoveled his snow and did other odd jobs around the house. Rick asked him what he did to the boy (me). “The same thing as the others”, Bob replied. I did it for about 6 months. Rick continued the conversation for another 10 minutes and again left the room to talk to me.
Rick asked me what I wanted to do now. I told him that I wanted to know if there were other victims. We were only into 1976; I wanted him to admit to anything that may have happened up until the present day. When we got all the information that we possibly could get, then he could go back to get more information about me.
Bob again denied that there were other victims after me (1976). He told the detective that when he finished molesting me, he checked himself into a mental hospital in Poukeepsie, NY. When he got out, he moved back in with his mother. He stated that he had been and out of mental hospitals throughout his adult life (5 or 6 times).
Rick told Bob again that based on his extensive training and experience; he knew there were other boys. Bob then admits to another victim around 1988. Ira was 16 and the relationship lasted 3 years.
One day, Bob and Ira were talking and they agreed that it would be a good idea for Ira to bring a younger boy into the relationship to have a threesome. Bob was unaware that Ira had taped their conversation. Ira blackmailed Bob for a small amount of money. Ira stiffed the younger boy to his cut of the money. The boy saw Bob on the street a few weeks later and demanded money. Bob refused saying that he had already paid Ira. The kid was pissed and went over to Bob’s house and told his mother what was going on. His mother then paid off the boy so the kid would leave Bob alone.
Bob told Rick that this incident scared the hell out of him. He came to close to being exposed and he also was scared to death of Ira. Ira threatened to kill both Bob and his mother. (Rick told me afterwards that Bob’s fears were well founded. The police were very familiar to him. Ira was an angry young man. He was the town hard-ass and was prone to extreme violence. I told Rick that I was not surprised that Ira had an explosive and violent disposition. He probably was a very angry and confused young man. Ira has since got married and moved to Texas).
Rick asked Bob about any other victims after Ira Bob denies any other victims. He told Rick that the incident with Ira scared him to death and that he hasn’t had any inappropriate contact with kids since. He admits to still having sexual thoughts about young boys but denies any more victims. Rick persists but Bob sticks to his story.
When I first tracked down Bob on May 4, 2001, I talked to several of his neighbors. I asked them if they had ever known any young boys that did any odd jobs or yard work for him. One neighbor told me about Adam (who is now 15). He lived next door to Bob until last year when he moved to live with his father. His mother still lives next door.
I told Rick about Adam over a month ago. He contacted his mother who in turn contacted him. His mother told Rick that Adam did not want to talk to the police. She did not give any further explanation. I was very concerned that Adam was another victim.
Rick asked Bob about Adam. Although he admitted that Adam use to cut his grass for a short time, he denied any inappropriate contact with him. Rick persisted. Bob admitted that Adam was in his house on one occasion but it was only to bring up newspapers that had been accumulating in the basement. Bob admitted that when Adam was there, he did have sexual thoughts, but did not act on them or even try. Bob told Rick that he was still scared from the incident with Ira.
Bob went on to say that he had a girlfriend in the mid 1990’s. Rick asked her name. Bob told him her name was Cynthia G. and she was from Schenectady. The name was familiar to me. I called the dispatch center of my department and had them run a criminal history on her. She had been arrested several times for theft, prostitution and drugs possession. Bob said that this relationship had gone on for over three years. They had not ever lived together, but the did see each other on a regular basis.
Bob said that Cynthia confided in him that she was sexually abused when she was a child. She told him of the pain it caused her. It lead her into drugs and prostitution and to have a poor self-image. Bob was hearing this stuff for the first time in his life. Someone he cared about had been the victim of sexual abuse. He told Rick that he then began thinking about his victims and the pain he may have caused. He told Rick that this was one more reason why he had not acted on his urges to molest more young boys. He also spoke of the increased media attention that sexual abuse was getting in the past 10 years. He thought about his situation with Ira and the threats that were made. Although he admitted to going out of his way to be around children when he worked, he insisted that he never molested anyone else. He admitted that he still has thoughts about molesting, but denies having acted on these thoughts for the past 13 years.
Rick came back out and asked me where I wanted to go from here. I told him to talk about pornography. He used to have literally thousands of books and magazines when he was in Schenectady. I was 100% sure that he was still into porn and wanted to know what he had now. I asked him to ask him about the Internet and if he ever used a computer or did he have a computer. Again, I was 100% sure that he was spending every waking spare moment on the Internet. I also asked Rick if after he discussed these issues with him, to try to get Bob to give us permission to search his house. I told him to be careful and to down play anything he might admit too. I also told him that if he signed the consent form to ask him again about what he has in his house and where things could be found.
Rick went back into the room and continued with the interrogation. Bob told him that he use to have a lot of pornography but he got rid of all of it 6 or 7 years ago. He went on to say that he doesn’t even own a computer. Rick tries to get him to admit to anything he may have in the house. Bob is fairly calm by now. He states matter of factly that he does not have porn anymore. Rick asks him for permission to search his house. Bob signs a “consent to search” form. The other detective (Jeff) leaves the room to conduct the search. He comes into my room and asks me if I want to be there. I decline the invitation. (I did not want to be in his house again. I remember what it smelled like 25 years ago and was not at all interested in smelling it again). Rick again asks Bob what we are going to find. Bob states again that he has nothing.
They made small talk for a while to give the officers time to search his house. Rick asked Bob how he felt and if he wanted something to eat or drink. Bob said he felt good. Rick talked about being able to feel better now that he had all this stuff out in the open.
Rick left the room again to talk to me and to give the others time to complete the search of the house (and car). We were nearing the end of the interrogation. We just wanted to know the results of the search so we would know where to go next. I told Rick to go back into the room to keep him talking.
Rick went back in. He asked Bob questions about his victims. He asked Bob what he thought his victims lives were like now that all these years had passed. Bob said he tried not to think about it. There was nothing he could do about it now. He just tried to block it out. Rick then asked him what, if anything, he would say to his victims today. Bob just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. He was asked if given the chance, would he like to apologize to his victims. Bob said no. He continued by saying “How do you apologize for something like that?” Rick nodded and says, “I see what you mean. You have done some terrible things”. Bob replied, “Yes I have”.
Rick then told Bob that he wanted to talk more about the kid from Schenectady. Bob said that he could not remember his name off hand but he had an Irish looking face. He had a brother and sister and they lived down the street from him. He said that he never met or abused my brother or sister but he saw them playing in the front yard as he drove by. He said I would shovel his sidewalk in the winter. He said the boy was very passive. Rick asked him if there was ever a time when the kid came over and he was not molested. Bob said no. I molested him every time. Rick asked him how he would molest me. He said masturbation and oral sex. Rick asked about anal sex. Bob said no, he was never into anal sex. Bob was telling the truth.
About this time, the other officers had completed their search. Rick left the room and came into my room. There was no pornographic magazines, videotapes or books found anywhere in his car or house. There was also no computer or any equipment or literature found that would indicate that he had access to a computer. Bob was telling the truth.
Rick and I spoke again.I told him to get any other information he could. When he could not go any further, he was to leave the room again. I would then enter the room and continue the interrogation and that’s what happened.
I’ve waited 25 years to confront the man who molested me. I spent the next hour and 15 minutes alone in a room with the man who ruined my live. I knew what I wanted to say but I also knew, for my own sake, I had to forgive him. But before I got into all of "my stuff", I had to be confident that there were no more victims (especially Adam).
Recovery is Possible!