I have decided to start journaling again. Over the years, I have done it on and off, and I think it can be a good tool for coping with life. To open, I have decided to start with a brief of where I am today.
In 2003, I realized I was sexually abused when I was five. Some might say I repressed the memory, but it wasnít by any choice really. I just quit thinking about it, and buried deep in my memories.
My whole life has been sexualized, and my sexuality is a mess. I am excited by dogs, horses, certain men, kinks such as peeing and spanking. Along the way, I have punished myself with sex, tried to kill myself, felt depressed and hated myself. The really sad part is that I have lived my entire life with all of this.
There were a few key events in recent memory that have driven many changes in me. The first was the Internet. After a lifetime of burying all this, the Internet showed me I wasnít alone. There were other freaks that liked animals and all the rest. That gave me this feeling of being a little human, after a lifetime of feeling subhuman and perverted.
Being able to talk to someone else about having sex with a dog, or about sexual abuse was like finding a whole new world for me. It gave me a sense of belonging, like I was part of the human race again. That was a very powerful force for me. It would also prove to be a very destructive one.
I had my first cyber-affair in like 2002, as I exchanged stories with a woman that liked dogs. I told myself it was harmless, just stories, but when my wife found out, she was devastated. Thatís when I began trying to figure things out, but before it got better, it was going to get a lot worse.
Once this cat was out of the bag, I found I had a very hard time dealing with it all. I became very depressed, and was questioning everything about life. It seems natural to me that when faced with something I didnít understand that I dissect it, and try to figure it out. More and more, I was immersed in a very sexualized life. I was confused and frustrated, as I came to grips with attractions I have had my entire life. I wanted to know why animals turned me on, or any of the other countless things.
I became myopic, seeing only a very narrow vision of the world, my vision. Acceptance of a thing, doesnít mean acting on it, but I was very drawn to this stuff. The more okay with it all I became, the more I wanted to act on it, and when my wife wouldnít take that train, I felt very dejected. Inside, I donít think I ever expected her to, but Iím not real sure. I do know that I had one final talk, where I tried to voice my frustration.
Sometimes, my wife and I are saying the same thing, but in a totally different way. It gets very frustrating for me when I feel like sheís not understanding me, and I guess she has to feel just as frustrated with me. Like the other day, she wanted moldings for the kitchen, but she wanted exacting measurements that I didnít have. The solution was simple, buy them a little long, and let me cut them down. For some reason, she wanted me to pre-cut those boards then and there to the perfect size, but how could I? I ended up getting snippy, and we are still kind of distant over it.
My point is this, sometimes we just donít connect, and I convinced myself that meant we werenít right for one another. I gave up on us, and turned to another. I had an affair. Even saying that is shocking. I would have never thought I could do something like that, but I did.
Now six months after, and we are doing okay I guess. I feel happier inside, not because all that much has changed outside, but I have changed. See, I have the power now. I chose to be with Debbie and the kids. I had a chance to have everything sexual I ever wanted, but I chose Debbie and my kids. That took a lot of power away from sex, if that makes sense? It feels like I am in control now in a way that I have never felt before. With that came empowerment and a more satisfied life. Am I happy that Debbie and I are a little distant after our tiff? No, but I am a happy person. Even now, I know where I stand. Even if Debbie canít get over the affair and asks me to leave, I know where Jeff as a person stands. I have the power now. When I masturbate, I chose to, and when I fantasize, I chose what I think about. I am no longer the powerless little boy in the bushes being raped and abused.
Anyway, the task at hand is to rebuild my marriage. I have managed to destroy any trust we ever had, and my wife feels inadequate and unwanted. I have a hard fight ahead, but it is one I feel I finally have the power to win. Even if in the end, I lose, I will have come out the better for it. I am a survivor.
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul