*****WATCH OUT Triggers*****

I never share the whole thing with anyone single person but Ill try to put down at least 99% of the story. The main reason why I never tell anyone the same story is because one time I did tell someone the whole true story and they laughed and pointed and made me feel like a freak so much I tried to kill myself the very next day.
I use to be a happy kid and would like doing things most normal boy loved bike riding stuff like that.

Well when I was around 13-14 something almost unspeakable happened that changed my view on life forever.

Im around 12 at this point in time. My older couson was staying at my house from out of state; all that I knew about why he was staying with us was that he did some bad stuff back at his own house. So he ended up staying in my room we had a our own beds he slept on floor on a matrass, and I slept on cynder blocks near my window. This went all fine for almost a year. He went back home. However it wasn't to long until he came back.

I was late 12 maybe early 13 now. Again he stayed in my room but this time we had gotten bunk beds this was fine for a few months I got the top bunk and he got the bottom. It wasn't until after he saw about how much I loved god that the horror begain.

It started off with him jacking off while I slept. Every once in a while I heard him wisper my name. I thought maybe Im just hearing things. So I slept.

Then one time he told me to preform oral sex on him or my famialy's "necks would be slit while they slept. And that life is so much more inportant than sin, so god would forgive me anyway." So I did know that I had sinned in the lords eyes. And so I cried that night stareing out my bedroom window as I kept reminding myself that life is more inportant. He later reminded that next morning, that to tell would mean death for my whole family. So when my mom saw me crying at church in a empty room, I lied and said "Its nothing...just the sniffles." And I walked past her out of the room.

A week or two later it happened again except this time he wanted more. This time it was more then last time. There is no otherway to put this. He molested me that night makeing me "take it up the ass" as he called it. Again using the same line "tell anyone about what we did and your family won't wake up. I will go to the kitchen grab the sharpest knife and slash it across thier throut so fast they won't even be able to scream. Beside life is more important is it not? And don't think Im done with you." I stayed up that whole night crying silently. This time praying that god would kill me out of mercy.

Morning came but no I was still on earth, it seemed more like hell now. Because whenever he wasn't working all night...he molested me. But I kept praying, "god kill me please let this torment stop to your servent. please god that I may pled my case before your holy throne." I have memorized it because I prayed it every second I was awake even while the molestation happened. Even while I cried.

I still remember very well him having three push pins above his bed that when he felt like it he would clench them in his fist and punch me with em, all the while saying to me, with my own pocket knife pointing into my throut, "go ahead make a noise, i dare you."I soon after that stoped responding to pain so much i would carve lines into my legs with staples and other sharp objects just to see if i still bleed like a person. And alot of times when it happened I couldn't feel it...I saw what was happening but seemed like a dream.

After about 5-6 months I started to doubt gods mercy, and I was nearing the edge of my rope. So I tried hanging myself from the top bunk with my belt. I was really hoping to snap my neck but all I heard was a loud pop. I had failed and like some sick clockwork the molestation continued.

I tried choking myself. Setting up sucide machines which i tested out on pellows like droping a dozen knives from the celling onto me lying beneth it woked perfect on the pellow so I tried it on myself; only one knife hit me and it was in my leg I even let it bleed knowing I'd rather spend the night in a hospital then be molested that night. But no this all knowing all careing god will prevent one from killing ones self but won't stop a kid being molested night after night. So don't tell me god loves me.

It wasn't until after a went to where my cousion lived that I over heard what he was staying at my house for, he had been molesting his sisters and his brother. Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me this I have been sharing a room with him being molested. Thats like sticking a goldfish in a tank of sharks. But im not sure if this was a bad thing...because this was the only time I wasn't being molested.

So finially after we got back from out of state. My cousion addmittied to handing out child porn while we were gone, trying to have sex with several minors not including me, he was saying about how jail would be better than this. So we made his wish come true. He was arressted and found guilty after pleading to a much lesser charge.

I had tried to take my life several times after this and have still failed. I have tried to slit my wrists...I passed out after the floor of the bathroom was nearly covered, i woke up sick and dizzy but the blood had clootted so I cleened up the mess using nothing but toliet paper so i could flush it; took a paper towel and wraped it around my wrist. These feeling have lessened and I dont really feel like killing myself so long as I have something to look forward to, even if its something small. The things that trigger this are push pins, vasline, and tv shows in which a child gets molested.

I am 18 now and my cousion is nearly out of prision and I don't know what to do.

_________________________
If I die, he wins.
Losing is not an option.

Forgive yourself.