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I don't know if this is where I'm suppose to type but I feel I can share my story - I've held it in for 33 years except to share with my best friend BKB. My sister divorce her husband and he moved in with us. One night he came in our room (my little bro and I shared a room - not bed just room). He turned the closet light on and undressed - he then crawled into bed with me a 10 yr boy. He was 6'5'' and was 23 yrs old and very good lookin. He used Jerkins Hand lotion - a smell that literally takes me back to this very night even now 33 years later. He rubbed the lotion all over my rear and front and between my thighs. He inserted one then two fingers up my anus, all the time whispering not to make a sound or my father would come in a whip me. He continued to finger me for what seemed all night and then he moved me to his chest where he sucked my now erect penis. After a little while at this he moved me back a little which was to sit on his erect penis. I thought I was going to die right then and there. He penetrated me and just made me sit there - I wanted to throw up but couldn't he continued to whisper that my father would come in and whip me if I made any noise. I remeber having to sit there with tears dripping from my chin and I don't recall what next. This scene was enacted a few more times over the next 6 months and then he molested me on the couch during the night when I moved there to get out of the bedroom (thinking he wouldn't touch me in the living room). After the first couple of times I began to expect it when he had a good week at work - it was in the air that it was going to happen. After I stayed in my bed he started having me penetrate him (remember I'm 10 - how erect does a 10 yr penis get?). He still used the Jerkins and didn't seem to mind that he bent my penis til it broke (I think it broke - it wasn't straigth anymore - it bent over halfway up - not good I knew but I could still pee so I didn't tell my mom I thought I broke it - this condition lasted 5 to 6 years - it finally straightened back up thank goodness). I started to like having him crawl into bed with me - he was nice to me outside the bedroom - I began to fall in love with him I guess and just expected to do my duty towards him. My parents didn't seem to notice anything was wrong. I went as far as to visit his apartment once he moved out in order for him to molest me - what was I thinking? I was now 11yr old. I found out when I told him no I was hurt by him. He shoved me down one Thanksgiving and it broke my collar bone and knocked me out. I didn't know I was hurt til a week later when I threw a ball and my collar bone popped out of my skin and I fainted. I of course lied about what had happened. He finally moved away and I prayed he'd kidnap me - this is how I felt at the time. I then asked to move to my grandmothers house - to leave the house where this took place since I couldn't take the absence of him anymore. I shared part of this with my new best friend BKB - he understood my past and was very supportive and loving. Fast forward to 5 years ago. Again, out of the blue, my new brother-in-law starts to molest me - first just a touch then a hand down my pants, then a blow job while my sister was out for a hour or so. Each time telling me that I'm stuck at his house (I had moved in a year earlier). This went as far as to him coming into my bed to have anal sex with me which I hadn't done since I was 11yr. He forced me to blow him whenever we were alone. I couldn't tell my sister - this would break her heart but after 5 yrs of this I have been confided with BKB and with his support I have started the process to move out. I have not been alone in 10 years so this is very hard for me. Both brother-in-laws have continually ruined me I think, since the first molestation I desire only men - not that I have ever had a boyfriend but I never have wanted to date a women - I want to held and touched by a man I am 43 this year and am still a virgin. Since my molestation started before I liked girls I have not liked girls in a sexual way. I wanted to confront the first bro-in-law but have passed that feeling up 10 years ago and now I zone out this bro-in-law when he starts the abuse. I need help I know but I am scared to open up to someone face to face - writing in a email is by far less stressful. I guess I'm afraid of being judged by someone who hasn't been there.