This is my first posting. This is the beginning.
It was a boring morning in january, cold here in the northeast. I was driving to work, dissociated from the world as usual, not really paying attention to anything or anyone. I pulled up to a red light, staring off into nothing, lost in my own head. Then she pulled up beside me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a young girl of 20, pretty and youthful, but something was different, something was wrong. She made the motion to roll down my window. "what does she want" ran though my head. I've always hated strangers, always afraid of the world and the danger, always thought it was 'just who I was'. But for some odd reason a wave of compassion hit me, or curiosity, but I rolled down my window to the girl. She had been crying, her cheeks were rivers of mascara. She was asking me how to get back to her mothers house, she was lost. I told her it was on the other side of the city and she would have to hit the toll booth. To that notion she started to cry again, shaking all over. " I don't have any money" she said " I was just raped" she blurted out. "he took everything".
Now her hands dropped into her face and her shoulders began bobbing up and down in a convulsion of emotion. The light turned green. I am a veteran who was an police officer in the military,I had training to help people. I told her to pull into the driveway ahead of me, she did. I pulled in behind her, taking a defensive posture with my car, still not trusting anyone, not even a crying 95 pound girl.
She told me all about how her ex had raped, beaten and robbed her. I calmed her down, asked her if she want to call someone, call the police. She said no, that he may have followed her, that she just wanted to get home, get somewhere safe.
I didn't stop her. I thought about it, but one man had already held her against her will that day, she didn't deserve that again. I gave her directions and money for the toll. Then this complete stranger, this broken soul, hugged me and said "thank you".
Something inside me broke, it was loud, like thunder. as she got into her car I told her "don't let the son of a bitch get away with it" she said she wouldn't and disappeared from my life.
I went to work, barely conceiving what had just happened to me at 6:45 in the morning. I started looking up rape counselors and trauma centers in my area, seeing if I could tell someone what happened to her. All the while I was feeling mixed up, confused and shaken. Before I knew it I was reading about male survivors, and I lost it.
I memory came to me, flooded me, washed away my walls and left me standing there naked and afraid. I said to myself "she didn't deserve that" then I said "I didn't derserve that"
Then I started crying, for the first time in a long time, I felt something real. It all came back to me. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. My own cousin had touch me, had hurt me. It is still somewhat of a blurr, but it is there. I hope now to begin to heal. But I'm not sure how. I don't know who this girl was, but she saved my life. so I'm grateful. Even with the pain and loss, I'm am grateful.