I can't tell you I have been devastated by SA when I was young or even if it was SA because I enjoyed it with little or no guilt through the years. But here's my story. I'm gay and I have known in some way or another since I was 5. I grew up in a large family so my brother, three years older, and I shared a bed. I always had to go to bed an hour earlier. When brother Philip was eleven and I was eight, he started to fondle me and lay on top of me, thrusting so our dicks rubbed together. I tried to pretend to be asleep but I got stiff and it was enjoyable. He would do this 2-3 times a week. It got really exciting when he matured and began to ejaculate. Then our parents moved us into another room but in separate beds, so it stopped until I was 12 and he was 15. One night I was jacking off in bed (my new found thrill) and he got out of his bed and climbed into mine. Our activity consisted of me going down on him and he used my butt to "practice". This went on at least once a week until he graduated from high school and joined the army. I was a willing participant and enjoyed it, although the pleasure was so one-sided. He didn't care if I got off as long as he did, so in a way, this was a power trip for him. Now, he has been straight, got married, had kids, etc. and we have never spoken about our childhood activities. I have been an out gay man forever.
So was it SA? It is to the extent that through therapy, I have come to grips with the fact that my emotions are frozen into that time period. All my dreams are of teen boys and my recollections are all about my brother, my male cousin I had with (he was my age), and other boys from that time. I have had to put Cybersitter on my computer to keep me from seeking out pictures of teen boys. Its been a struggle all of my life to avoid being in contact in any way with teen boys. Fortunately for me, I met a loving, caring man my age with whom I have shared my life for 19 years and he has helped tremendously. I'm not into young kids but have no attraction to men. I'm just emotionally trapped into that early teen period because of being the willing victim (???) of my brother. My heart goes out to those guys who had much more traumatic experiences with SA. I can live with my experiences because I understand it and have developed coping mechanisms.
If I get a chance, I will post again and share my story of my first attempt at therapy, which was disasterous.