its raining today...
the outside world mirrors the one inside...
the sun hidden behind clouds of gray
the world outside cold and lifeless

i don't remember much
no face, no body
just terrors left in the wake

silent screams of wanting death
a young boy of less then years of 10

nightmeres of loneliness in darkest hours
fearing of someone creeping in my bed
nightly rituals of hiding in between my sisters
safety found for one night

i remember faint smells of dough
semen mixed with air

i remember longing for that smell
never knowing why

adolescence came with fury blown
aches and fears of ones own flesh

love me again
make me feel whole again

dreaming of men who rape me too
I am what you have created me to be

older now but young boy still
wrestling with your demons might

i vow to take hold of your frightful actions
______________________________________________

I have discredited myself for so long, as I thought I needed to remember everything. I never considered myself amoung the lucky- the doubt can be just as bad.
I remember waking up naked
I remember being terrified of sleep
I remember screaming in the dark
I remember nightmeres of robbers, and monsters
I remember fearing men
I remember experimenting with a friend
I remember knowing what went where
I remember wanting to be molested...again
..... to feel like I was a special boy
I remember feeling like a freak
I remember feeling like a poor excuse of a boy
I remember the shame, the isolation, the self loathing
I remember never feeling comfortable in my own skin
I remember the compulsive masturbation
I remember longings of just wanting to be near another man-anything of his
I remember the silence of my father
the loss of friendships never regained
I remember a movie too, feeling like that boy
articles in journals recollected-that is me I know

Dammit all to hell! I am ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!