Where to start? I've never participated in an on-line forum of any kind and so feel completely vulnerable-and completely sure this is where I need to be. I'm 26 and just started seeing a therapist 2 moths ago-ostensibly to learn a little more about my relationship with my girlfriend. Thinking about getting married but knew that I had unresolved issues with my mother. I'm now seeing my T alone and she has suggested that some of what I've told her about my childhood sounds like abuse.
Over the past 2 weeks I've been unable to function, thoughts about my childhood keep coming back, I'm writing in my journal 5-6hrs a day. I've read 2 books in the past 2 days about abuse and have searched the web frantically.
I feel totally rude and like I'm butting in to this forum, like I should have to do something to be valuable enough to express my opinion/story.
I think I was sexually abused by my mother, but I'm not sure. Since I started thinking about this stuff and trying actively to remember I often feel the need to vomit, I clench my teeth and hold my breath as I remember the way she touched me and worry about what else might have happened. Much of what I remember points to the SA being covert and voyeuristic but there was touching to. I'm trying to be really rational about all this, but it doesn't feel rational.
I have so many questions--is this the right place to ask them? How do I approach my girlfriend with this information w/out burdening her? How do I start to deal with my questions about my sexual identity?
OK, I'm just going to keep writing: things I know for sure, born in 78, parents divorce at 3-3 1/2, it all comes back in little abbreviated bits, I was never given privacy to change my cloths or use the bathroom, I always had to ask permission and for a long time was accompanied, bathing-she would come in to the bathroom to "talk" to me and always to wash my hair until I was maybe 11. She was a big woman, stronger than me and I remember her holding me down, pinning me beneath her and it was so confusing and I was powerless and she would forcibly kiss me-that is what so much of this was about I wouldn't give her the affection she wanted, so she took it.
The most amazing thing about going to a T is when you find out that things that happened in your family were not "normal". That is when you start to investigate your memories and wonder if other things were inappropriate. All the time I am thinking that I am so ungrateful, she loved me and was caring and nurturing-but to this day touches me inappropriately, and asks my girlfriend painfully off-limit questions about my anatomy and sexual performance.
That is about all I feel like letting out, I'll make no bones about it, I'm looking for validation, that I'm not crazy, that never feeling safe around her isn't just my being vindictive.
I've read "Abused Boys, The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter and "Wounded Boys, Heroic Men" by Daniel Jay Sonkin, any further suggestions?, this is consuming me.
Aside from being really painful and destabilizing I somehow feel like this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with my self and I'm petrified about what I'll find. Thanks for taking the time to read this whoever you are-I'm putting this out there. Peace.