One of the things that, even today, even now, even when I know none of this was my fault, I have the hardest time with was that I kept going back.
At first, it was because he was my counselor and I didn't know any better. But imagine when you're 11, about to turn 12, and an adult starts stimulating you sexually this way. After I got over the initial "my-God-how-weird-is-THIS!" feeling, I realized that it felt good. The attention, yes, but the sensations and feelings that this brought on. Being fat, unattractive, and geeky is hard when you're a kid. It's harder when it's all you knew from your schoolmates. And even moreso when your father basically considers you a sissy and a faggot because you're studious and unathletic.
My counselor, on the other hand, called me handsome, beautiful, sexy. He'd tell me how good I was when he performed these acts on me. Pretty soon, I was going back to his office whenever I could. Was I endangering him? I don't think he really cared, at first. It was later that he felt he had to have even more emotional and physical control over me.
He didn't even have to threaten me at first. He just turned me into his little slut. His little sex-toy. And I didn't even realize what he was doing hurt me so much. I didn't know just how much of myself I was selling away in order to feel good about myself.
It's hard when you realize that you were fooled into becoming a slut in childhood. It's even worse when you realize all those wonderful things he told you, at first, was a fucking lie.
What came after just confirmed what kind of trash I really was.