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#76080 - 08/02/04 05:49 PM Why canīt I just let it go? (TRIGGER)
Henry_MD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/10/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Sweden
I chatted with Thad a month ago and he got me thinking about things that I have never had the nerves to looked at to closely or allowed myself to think about, to remember, to grieve or make sense of. I stopped coming to this website, it was too threatening, too close for comfort. I tried desperately to put a lid on the memories and the feelings they evoke but the more I tried the worst it got and now I must go with the flow.
Hey, Thad! I donít know if I should thank you or curs you.
You talked about being a fake and man, did you hit home. I have had that feeling as long as I can remember and now it grows more for every day. I deal with people in distress every day, telling them whatís going to happened, theyíll heal, the pain will subside, they are going to be alright etc and yet I know it isnít true! Talk about a professional con man!

Iím a MD in paediatrics. I have a reputation to have a very good bedside manner, is easy to talk to about just anything and is never to busy to listen, willing to help if itís possible, have my act together, is always in control, a very composed, stable and kind manÖ
So you see what a FAKE I AM; I have never been able to help myself; not when I was a child and not today, I just freeze, close of myself, the words dies on my lips and my inside just goes dead, yet all the voices screams in my head but they are never let out. Iím angry, ashamed, scared, confused, sad and lost in a world I donít seam to understand.

Iím 46, a single gay man to afraid of what is inside me to even go and see a therapist.
I left my parents house when I was 16 and the pain, guilt, shame, anger, confusion have never left. I still hear my father voice telling me Iím worthless piece of shit, a teary girl, a faggot and a person nobody can ever love. I was beaten and belittled (from when I was born?) because I have big green eyes, red curly hair and was/is very small and fine boned (Iím only 1,70 today), that most of my motherís family all where/are built like that, have never make any difference. I was a very quite boy and after the rape by our village-priest when I was 13, I only got more quite; I was/is shy and insecure, I have always know something was very wrong with me (heard it from the beginning?) All I ever wanted was to read my books, play the piano, listen to classical music and to be left alone. I do the same today.

Itís so strange because I know intellectually that it isnít anything wrong with me, that it was never my fault, that my father was a psychopath, my mother a mean/weak bigot but the abyss inside only getting bigger. It happened so long ago that it shouldnít affect me now, but I have always been so busy with my studies, my research and a heavy workload so that I would never have to deal with what happened to me during my so called formative years.

Now itís the 1st of august and we are so few working that every night is an on-call night and I have flashbacks, severed ones that panics me. I have start to lash-out, loose my temper, shake, cry and feeling total out of control. So many memories and sensations flows through my body; I hear my fatherís furious voice, the sound of the belt he used to beat me, feels his hate washing over me and Iím as helpless today as I was then but I realised that I must seek professional help, so I called a college that is a child-psychologist and a lesbian (I donít trust heterosexuals, I see every day what they do to their ďloved onesĒ) and asked her if we could talk, my excuse was that I was over-work. She must have heard something in my voice that told her that something was seriously wrong because she called her partner an told her that she would not come home to night.

We have been talking for 5 hours now and sheíll stay the night with me because sheís afraid that I may do something stupid if Iím alone. Iím both thankful and annoyed.
She has a friend in a city 70 km away that is gay and a psychotherapist and she has called him and Iím on his patient-list after work tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me guys and thanks for your support! Henry

_________________________
The Truth can be painful but it does not produce evil. Lies are the source of evil.

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#76081 - 08/03/04 11:43 AM Re: Why canīt I just let it go? (TRIGGER)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Henry nobody and I mean nobody deserves what happened to you. The stench of it has been like an evil shadow. Know that you are among brothers here who offer only their love and support and seek the same from you. Thad does have a way of making people sit up and take notice. That is why he is so great ( I mean it THAD).

You have taken that important first step. Sort of like an alcoholic. Admitted that there was a problem, told another human being and are now getting help and assistance.

I cry for the little boy that was beaten and raped. Your father sounds like a first class asshole and, to me at least, he forfeited the right to be a father long ago. And the Priest. Well I hope hell has a special place for him.

Now I bet you are one hell of a good doctor and that is something to be damned proud of. You did it and the odds against you were huge. Pat yourself on the back for that.

And you deserve the same as we all do. The touch of human affection from a partner and to be surrounded by good friend who like you for who you are and shun labels.

I for one am proud to be a brother of your and I am glad to see you back.

Now about this medical problem I have. Only joking ;\)

((((((((((((((((HENRY))))))))))))))))))))

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#76082 - 08/03/04 08:48 PM Re: Why canīt I just let it go? (TRIGGER)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Henry,

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad that we can count you among the brotherhood. I don't know if you're ready to hear anything positive about what happened to you but with your contact with children, maybe you've already had the opportunity to interrupt abuse happening to one of your patients.
I would never suggest that your history has been good for anything. But, what you experienced could give you a special understanding for your young patients.
I'm happy that you called your friend and that she is putting you in touch with a good therapist.
Know that you always have brothers here who will listen and offer friendship and encouragement.
You are not only a brother but also a cousin as I am 3rd generation Swedish on my mother's side.
I had the chance to see some of your beautiful country while I was on leave while I served in Germany in the dark ages, several thousand years ago.
Good luck to you,
David...Johnson

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#76083 - 08/03/04 08:55 PM Re: Why canīt I just let it go? (TRIGGER)
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Henry, I a saddened to see how this has torn you up for a long time. Just realising it for what it is and naming it is very important. But breaking the silence is huge.

Your experience is the experience of many of us here. You speak of freezing up, feeling powerless, well, that is common to us. That feeling of being almost paralyzed is a tough one.

I don't thik that I have ever met a periatrician who wasn't a really great person. I have met a whole lot of them. So, I know that you love kids and want to relieve pain and help kids through really scarey times, and help kids get well.

Well, do that for you who were that little boy being harmed.
When tempted to be really hard on yourself, try to remember that you were just a kid. If a kid came and told you the exact same story you have experienced, I bet you would do a great job helping the child. Take good care of you as the kid who is frigthened and abused and feeling so hopeless.

When I first came here I found that reading and eventually responding to posts was like a special medicine for me. For years I thought the although kids have always been sexually abused, no one had done to them and done the things I did. Recognising that I was not alone was a highlight of my life.

Do what you need to do for yourself and don't feel guilty about it--your kid has a right to that.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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