I feel I should write some more down..Maybe it will help me get it all clear in my head..

I have posted before a little bit of why I am here.. All the sexual acting out, hurting others and self destructive behavior. Starting to remember my nightmares after a really bad blackout.. First thing I remembered was a not being able to breathe with my head shoved into a pillow and this weight on top of me.. pain.. feeling of being ripped open.. couldn't see his face for a long time.. only recently can I make it out in my mind.. from what I can remember first time it happend I went to Mindy's house to play.. I think I was like three.. I can only assume I was being baby sat by her brother.. Playing in her room we started playing doctor with each other.. at her urging.. I think her brother abused her as well.. she wanted to see me and to touch it. I didn't know what to do but went along with it because I was curious and she was a few years older than me.. when she was touching me I remember hearing her brother walk in and grab me, calling me a "dirty little fuck" and being picked up and carried somewhere.. next memory is my hand on something hard and hot( I know now what it was) hearing a panting and a thick smell..I know now it is a cologne, but still don't know which one it was.. being crushed into the bed.. the panting in my ear.. the burning andpain.. then nothing.. blankness.. and being home and telling my mom I didn't feel good and sleeping.. Crying to my mom next time they wanted to go out that I didn't want a babysitter.. But I didn't know why.. and couldn't remember what to tell them..

I can't write any more..

IF YOUR OUT THERE YOU SICK FUCK IF I FIND YOU I WILL FUCKING TRACK YOU DOWN AND CUT OFF YOUR BALLS, SHOVE EM DOWN YOUR LYING THROAT AND WATCH YOU BLEED TO DEATH YOU FUCKER. I AM NOT A LIL HELPLESS KID ANYMORE THE MILITARY TAUGHT ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF SICK FUCKS LIKE YOU AND THEY WILL NEVER FIND THE BODY I SWEAR TO GOD!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!!

I don't know what to do.. feel like cutting myself again but my wife will find out and go nuts.. how do I let the pressure out without it hurting anyone?

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I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will let it pass over and through me.I will turn my inner eye inside.Where there was fear there will be nothing.Only I will remain