I'm stable right now, but I do my best thinking when I write. PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED EASILY!
What bothered me the most this morning wasn't anything physical (altho BELIEVE ME, there were many little things that were horrible), it was the little ways he used to make me a victim, and when the whole thing went from (God, this is twisted!) affectionate-but-not-right, to very-wrong-but-I-couldn't-get-out-of-it. And how, looking back on it, so many people must've KNEW something was wrong, but didn't do a Goddamn thing. How he turned into "daddy."
I always wanted a dad. My father, well, I wasn't the son he wanted, and he was an emotionally-abusive alcoholic who took every opportinity to make my life miserable. Mr. Price (I think I know his first name now, but I won't use it for fear of being sued) was supposed to be a counselor to a neurotic little boy who was picked on at home and at school. He used that to start luring me into sexual activity. And it started out so relatively minor. I KNEW something was wrong, but he was supposed to be helping me. How the Hell was I supposed to know?
The kissing, fondling, etc., was such small potatoes compared to what was coming, but he was paying attention to me and one day, out of the blue, he said to me, "you know, I can be your daddy? Would you like me to be your daddy?"
This is where things got totally out of control.
This is where he started leading me into other things.
This is where he was able to get me to do humiliating things and allow him to take pictures of it.
What's worse, he was taking me out of class for more than our usual session times. Never for too long and never for anything really obvious. He was doing "daddy" things with me! Taking me for walks, playing ball with me, just fucking LISTENING to me. I had a man who WANTED to be with me. Someone who LOVED me!
But when we were alone, he was introducing me to such disgusting things, and using "do you want to show Daddy how much you love him?"
By then, he had fondled me and introduced me to oral sex, but this was how he got me to do it to him. How could I say no? How could I NOT do it?
When he first started, he told me that grown up men who loved each other called each other by their first names. That's how I knew, but blocked it out. Although he was always "Mr. Price" when I obeyed him. But when they heavy-duty crap started, it was always, "do you want to see how Daddy loves you?"
And when he started infantizing me, it was always with the damn Polaroid camera and his "Daddy wants a few pictures of his son. Don't you want Daddy to have pictures of his baby?" Oh, yes, he'd do this when we were naked and he'd have me do baby things, and sometimes not-so-baby things. He'd put them in his "baby book" say how proud he was to have pictures of his "baby."
When he got violent and humiliating, he's always make it up by saying "daddy loves his boy, but sometimes love hurts, too." I always hear that phrase when I think of him.
Now, after what I KNEW before, and what I KNOW now, the worst part, the most disgusting thing he did to me was making me BELIEVE all this shit.
Making me believe he loved me.
Making me love him.
Making me believe I was his "son" and he was my "Daddy."
Well, my Dad was a really horrible father to me, but I prefer him to this monster. HE WAS NEVER MY FATHER! NEVER!
That's the most disgusting thing he did to me. Make me THINK this was how love was supposed to be.
I truly hate him for this more than anything else.
I'm sorry I have to say this, but I needed to get it out. There's truly nothing else that he could've done that was worse.