Maybe I'm starting from the ending...not the ending of my life, I hope, but the ending of the abuse that I've lived under.
My therapist thinks that I'm ready for his group therapy sessions...they are some kind of graduation platform and I'm pleased that I've been asked, but probably because I don't fully appreciate the fear connected with all of that.
Fear that I could be made more whole from the experience, fear that I could recover, that I could heal.
Isn't that what he said, that his group members spend anywhere from 2 to seven years in group and then, "graduate." You mean with hats and cake and everything? It sounds like that, doesn't it?
He says that I'll stay connected to my individual sessions when I need them, but that the main focus for my healing will continue through the group sessions.
Well, it scares me to death. Why the hell should it? Geez, I've been through the Army experience and, yes, that was scary for me to do. And I got through it. And, I wasn't scared all of the time. And I learned some things. I had enough credits of service that it paid for my college education.
Ya, but this is different. This is guys who will know about the inner me.
Well, how about the guys, here, at MaleSurvivor?
Ya, they know some of the inner me, but I can hold them at, "arm's length," if I need to...get too frightened...get's to be too close.
T says that I have to commit to three sessions...once per week, 1 hour, fifty minutes, per session, before I could say that I don't want to continue.
Sounds like he does a fairly good job of protecting the guys from any further abuse in the form of any attack or anything, so what am I afraid of?
Could it be that the T says that they talk of their fears, that has me frightened?
Aren't they related? Oh, God, I've got to confront my fears?
Ya, he says, just showing up is a one way of facing my fears.
Can I take you guys with me?
Will you continue to encourage me and like me when my legs become weak and the fear sends me to my knees?
Will you tell me that it's ok to cry even though I'm a man...read, 7 year old boy.
As frightened as I am right now, believe it or not, I'm looking forward to the challenge, as long as I can keep coming here, no matter how chicken I become.
Thanks for being here.
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."