I am new to the MS boards but I thank whoever is out there that I found it this weekend. You see, I am recovering memories that, though I knew happened, I hadn't FELT for 19 years...believe me, it is hell.
I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old by a cousin. Years later I found out that his father, my uncle, sexually abused my mother and aunt. I always knew that story and had done some preliminary work years ago but I remembered what happened when I was a teenager.
Whejn I was 14 someone in my neighborhood who was 5 years older asked if he could perform something sexually on me. I was scared but intirgued so I said yes. As you can tell, my family was not there for me so I craved attention. He made me feel so good so I ignored when he told me that he wanted to do things that I was scared to do.
I thought I could control him. I thought he wouldn't really do things I didn't want to do...I went back when I would see him because someone was paying attention to me.
Well, he did rape me. I have never called it that. I thought, becuase I went and had an idea he wanted to do this, it couldn't have been rape. But it was. It wasn't my fault.
After that, I would look for men to have sex with who were considerably older than me (I was 15-16, they were in their 30s or older)...it was messed up, there was this blur about who was using who--I felt in control but I wasn't...
The sadness is overwhelming right now. I just need to know that people are out there who care...