Well, my marriage is over. My wife moved out, does not want to work on communication, and wants a divorce. I was aware of stress throughout the relationship, and kept at trying to support myself with support groups, yoga classes, and writing class. I even took a trip to Europe. The trip to Europe exacerbated my confusion because I kept meeting women where I felt like having a fling with them. My mind was hardly at rest the whole trip.
Now she's gone, and I'm about to finish certification in a class in therapeutic communication. My sense of failure and inadequacy, originated in my response to my parents' limitations and authoritarian styles. It was made agonizing by at least two incidences of sexual abuse. One when I was an infant of 9 months old totally flooded me with emotions when I remembered it at age 29. I understand the feelings as shame and fears of abandonment, perhaps including rage, anger, and sadness, and probably others.
About a year and a half after that I recalled another incident from when I was 5 years old. My deductions about it come indirectly from a string of linked memories that suggest a more violent, and earlier incident underneath.
My feelings and beliefs from that would include mistrust of men, especially swaggering, aggressively inclined. John Bradshaw calls them brawlers. That sounds familiar. I keep trying to help myself, but I feel trapped and unsuccessful.
Now my wife is gone. I was let go from my last employment. I'm in many thousands of dollars of debt (from trying to help myself). I feel some anger and frustration, and sometimes suicidal.
I'm experiencing some help from taking this class in NLP, and keeping up with my twelve steps. I went to an SLAA sex and love addicts meeting the other day which was pretty good. I've got a long time acquaintance in SIA for survivors of incest and sexual abuse, which feels pretty good. Sometimes I feel so defective that I will never get another job.
Uggh. Pretty depressing. So, I affirm my adequacy, and my powerlessness over the affects of this abuse. I need the help of the 12 step process, and a higher power.
I am willing to release any negative thinking patterns and beliefs that are making me dwell excessively on my wounds. I deserve to be happy and successful. I am grateful that I have had many blessings, even that I am still alive to keep healing.
I am willing to forgive myself for any role I have played in hurting myself or others. I am willing to forgive others for the indignities they inflicted on me. My abusers were ultimately ignorant of their alternatives, and their own pain and suffering.
OK. Now what? Until next time, may God bless you as usual, may you seek God's gifts, and live long and prosper.