This is a part of my story. I didn't intend to write this or share this when I got up this morning. It's my response to a story Jimrh is writing in the Public Male Survivors forum: Jim\'s First Two Chapters


Jim,

In a good way you've brought back memories of my boyhood. Some of them hurt, some are bittersweet.

The ability to cry when hurt, physically or emotionally at the drop of a hat; before a time when I started to learn to hide all my feelings.

Yes, I remember the fear of a new school, grades K thru 6 in 4 different schools because my sick father couldn't keep a parish.

I remember the joyous flights of innocent imagination and play. But more, I remember the longing for something missing. I didn't know what it was, I thought something was wrong with me. My parents fought all the time, it was my fault wasn't it.

A little boy wandering through overgrown fields and wood lots. Soaring free for a time, but then I had to walk home again.

Emotions and feelings so sensitive and tender, easy to bruise. I grew up bruised and worse. So shy and afraid of other kids, but finding one boy I could be bestest of friends with. And then moving again and losing yet another young friend.

Always the longing for something missing and feeling it was my fault and something was wrong with me. ME!


I've a lot of inner nuturing to do now. It is an uphill, ten miles through the snow, both ways, kind of struggle. Peeling through the layers of trauma and neglect from the outside in, that is to say working my way from the adult age back through my teens and all the built up garbage and sickness. Under it all is that little boy full of longing.

Now, when I've done intensive therapy the onion of my life flips inside out, and the youngest parts and needs are on the outside. It hurts so bad all I can do is curl up and gasp, choking out tears - feeling such pain in my belly, feeling my body go numb. It's intense. I need to continue this work some day.

For now I'm concentrating on building a new life as an adult man as much as I can. I'm teaching myself how as I go. I'm learning much from the community here at MaleSurvivor.Org.

jer