What happened to me.


I will post it in fragments. More to come.

1984


When I was 9 years old, a particular piece of shit decided to have his way with me.
He was wrong. Very wrong. I wasnít dragged into the bushes, or forced into a car. No sir, it happened at school. And that particular piece of shit was my teacher whom I respected and looked up to. I have a learning disability called dyslexia. Which in my situation means I have great trouble reading and writing. I have a hard time putting letters together into words and words into sentences. The same but much worse goes for numbers. It could have been Mandarin Chinese because that would have been just as clear to me. Now, after years of training I can get by on college level, but I still need more time. Because of that, I was in a special school with special attention for this particular problem of mine. Which gave my teacher 2 hours a week in which he was alone with me, not in the classroom, but in a small office supposed to be used for individual tutoring. I thought he was a nice guy, he said he I was a very special boy. Mom and dad had told me to never disobey my teacher. I didnít like the way he touched me, but when I told my dad my teacher touched me, he didnít believe me. And he beat me for it. I never told anyone again. My dad said I was stupid for being in a special school.
I wanted it to stop but I couldnít make it stop. Half through the year he first raped me. I wanted to scream but he held my face down into his jacket, I thought I would choke. He told me he would kill me if I told anyone. I believed him. My legs felt strange. It hurt so much, a weird surge of sharp pain up my spine.
I tried to get him off me. No use.
After a few weeks I stopped fighting him, Iíd just go numb and unable to move.
I didnít know what was going on or why he hurt me, but I thought about jumping in front of a bus.
I was terrified kids in my class would know. I thought they could smell it or see it on my face. I had longish hair and covered my face with it sometimes. It felt safe.
I was scared my pants would stain with blood or his crap that I could feel dripping out of me. I would wash for hours sometimes scrubbing till there was no skin left. I couldnít get clean. I used my allowance to replace shorts I had thrown away. I was scared of my dad and what he would do if he found out.
But he didnít find out and nothing happened.
The summer holidays were a Godsend.


Yonni.

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Someday I'll climb Everest but first let me learn how to walk.