The process of therapy and refocussing of my thought allowed me to understand the secret nature of my abuse, its "amnesia" or repressed memories, its relationship to my sense of victimization or empowerment, the acuteness with which I can now recognize the prevalence of denial in the world around me, and the understanding of the extent of rationalization that takes place around denial. On that last point, it strikes me that entire systems of thought are created and focussed on protecting denial. Witness the False Memory Syndrome advocates.
So, now it is possible for me to recognize the reality of sexual abuse, its relationship to sexual addiction, and the emotions and attitudes that are tangled inside these phenomena, like physical abuse and drug and alcohol addiction.
It occurred to me recently that another event occurred following my recollection of the abuse event at 5 years old. I think I was in my apartment at the time when I had a somatic/audio memory of being told, "Pull your pants up, you're all right." To me it made perfect sense. My mother typified that attitude perfectly. Whether that actually happened, or whether that is the metaphorical reality because my mother's domineering and repressive parental personality had already left me demoralized, it described a truth in my condition.
When I brought this material up to my mother subsequently, she was in complete denial, fighting me every step of the way. She did, however, recall clearly that she had left me with a nurse when I was 9 months old for a weekend. She also recalled that my brother had been affected by some kids in a park. They had pulled his pants/diaper down and squeezed his penis.
So, I've had to recognize the role of my mother's own vicious and repressive attitudes in exacerbating the effects and the need to repress these events. Anger and forgiveness has also meant recognizing that she herself had to have experienced some extreme violence growing up. I see it today in the form of a faulty faucet. The faucet shrieks on a low water flow. I try to keep the flow low to conserve water. Since my wife and I still underearn as a couple, and live with her, I cause the faucet to shriek, and she blames me for doing it "wrong".
As to her upbringing, I gather her mother must have been repressive. Another sign is that she talks very little about her upbringing. When she does, she talks in longwinded de>