I was abused by my older sister for some time (I am not sure for how long) after my father got kicked out of the house. The loss of my father was difficult. It came in a traumatic way at an inopportune moment. My mother was so angry with him that she did not want to talk about it.

I do not know if my sister was just trying to reassert her own control in a situation that was out of control, but she seduced and sexually abused me.

I had always looked up to my sister. She is about five years older than I. She is beautiful and she was a surrogate when my mother wasn't there. During the time of the abuse, I felt as loved as I have ever felt. A void was filled. As she was using me I felt safe. While she was demonstrating her pure, evil manipulation of me, I adored her.

Then, she ended it abruptly, perhaps out of guilt or maybe she had just had enough. I was devastated. She threw me away like a used condom.

At different times since then, I abused drugs, I abused alcohol and I especially abused myself. I moved from place to place. I never kept a friend or a lover for more than a couple of years.

I never repressed the memory of what my sister did, but I never discussed it, ever, with anyone. I never made the connection between the sex with my sister and the deep rooted pain that I had. Fuck, I didn't even realize I was in pain. It took me decades to fully appreciate the damage my sexual upbringing caused to me. I suffered indelible marks at the hands of my sister.

I am still trying to find or regain the feelings of love like I felt when my sister abused me. I feel sick writing that. I still want my fucking sister. There - I said it. I wouldn't recognize real love and intimacy if I had it. I only know what I learned from the power-robbing manipulation and sickeningly short attention span of an adolescent girl.

ASIDE - I am sick at my stomach from writing this, so it must be important. I want to call her a cunt, I want to beat something, I want to act out. All from writing about this.

I am sure there is more to say if only I could find a way to continue without feeling so tired and in pain. I will take a break now, and thanks for reading.

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And let the darkness fear our light.