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#75969 - 09/28/02 11:05 PM A Window into my Mind....
gg1978 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/30/01
Posts: 14
These are my thoughts poured out on paper. Feel free to read part of it, or all of it, if you're so inclined. Thanks for lending an ear, i guess it does make me feel better.

Well, i guess it would be nice to start at the beginning.. I was born in July 1978, into a Christian home, to a pair of loving parents.. I love my parents dearly, but both of them have their "issues".. My dad never seemed to be comfortable around me, since i wasn't much into sports. My mom has been in a mental instituition on more than one occasion, due to chemical imbalance, according to her doctor. They brought me up to think that being gay was a bad thing, and that gays are pervs, etc. My dad told me that if a stranger touched me in a way that made me "feel funny", that i was to tell him about it. But i didn't think it applied to relatives. My parents have always loved me, and while they may not exactly be supportive of me being gay, they are still proud of me. I'm out to them, but i don't think they're 100% comfortable with it.. It's been over a year, and still it seems as if nothing has changed. I always felt different from the other kids in school, even before the abuse happened. But certainly the sexual abuse didn't help things. I didn't know if the other boys my age were doing stuff like what i was doing, or not, nor did i ask them. Maybe i knew it was wrong, and didn't want to admit it, or maybe i was just so horribly ashamed of myself because of it. I mean, i felt that the uncle who sexually used me did it out of love for me, at first.. Like a initiation into being an adult.. But looking back, i see how that wasn't true, and that he had no business doing those kind of things with me. I mean maybe it's OK for kids to "sexually explore", but not with an adult. At first i really think i trusted my uncle, and i would willingly give him oral sex.. I remember him saying "If you love me, you'll do this".. That kind of thing.. Then it got to more of a gift for sex thing. I was a teenage manwhore, who slept with his uncle for money, or other things. I still feel horrible shame about this to this day, since i knew damn well what i was doing. Dammit, i just feel stained so deeply, so darkly, it'll never come out. So fucking damaged inside, so emotionally shattered, the pieces that just won't fit together anymore. I still don't know the "why" part though. I mean did i do it because i was "used" do giving oral sex?? Or was it because i wanted to? I don't even remember the first time it happened. Let alone many other times.. I don't even know how many times it happened.. I think that the age of 11 is the latest possible "start" for the sexual abuse, and it very well have started earlier in my life. I don't remember, and hopefully i won't. I have enough to deal with already. I have more memory from later on, i think i was 16 or so when i decided that i wouldn't do it anymore, and stopped the abuse.. I was pretty popular in high school, but not in junior high. I just wonder how i functioned so well in school and at home, considering the way i felt inside. I can truly say that i loathed my very existance back then . I thought i would die of AIDS, since to me, it was how gay people tended to die. I had horrible self esteem and self image back then, and i still do now. I wanted to die, deep within my heart and soul.

But to the outside world, nothing was wrong, everything was OK. But down deep, i knew things weren't OK, and that if people knew i was gay, life wouldn't be very good anymore for me. I used to hate myself for being gay, but time has changed that, and how i think about religon too. I cut myself once, when i thought that i could make myself straight, if i punished myself enough. Still have the scar from that too. Some things can't be changed, deep down inside. Try as i might, i couldn't make myself straight. Religon used to be a major part of my life, when i was a kid. But i never truly believed, to be honest. So now religon doesn't have much of a part in my life, and i don't believe in God either. If he's so great and so good, and thinks of me greater than many sparrows, to paraphrase from the bible, why did he see fit to create me like this, and let this shit happen to me? Omniscient, Omnipotent, bullshit... It all seems just wrong to me, how religon works today, and the so called "morality" that Christianity wants to make the defacto standard in the United States and World. If i hadn't been born into a Christian family, perhaps things with my family would be nicer right now. But if they don't like the fact that i'm attracted to guys, they can just deal with it. I'm not going to live for them, or for God.. Only for myself i intend to live my life, and make my decisions on that basis. It really got me down back when i was a teenager that i felt attraction towards guys. I never dated in high school, or went to the prom either. I just didn't feel right with other people.

Now i'm not as depressed as when i was a teen, and i realize that supposedly my life has value. But i still wonder why i continue to live. It all seems so pointless to me, in a sense. I'm such a bitter person, who has no feeling of trust or allegiance to anyone, except some people in my family. My heart feels dead, and the scars inside haven't even begun to heal, because i don't know how deep they go. My very soul is bleeding profusely with shame. It's like i really don't feel alive, and i haven't for some time now. I feel like the living dead. Whether i'm still a victim, or have progressed to being a survivor, in some amount, is up in the air. But did i really feel victimized back then? Not in a "normal" sense, but i did feel that something was wrong, and that it shouldn'ft have been happening. And i didn't stop it from happening, for a long time. So now i live today, but whether i'm actually alive is something i question. Why do i try to be in relationships with guys, when i really don't love myself? I'm sure that's why relationships for me have been failures. If i truly don't love myself, how could i love another? The whole trust issue that i have doesn't help either. I just want to be whole again, and find me a guy who'll love and trust me if i can find it in me to love and trust him. I want to be able to trust again, provided the person deserves that trust.


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#75970 - 09/30/02 06:22 AM Re: A Window into my Mind....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
gg1978

Quote:
My very soul is bleeding profusely with shame. It's like i really don't feel alive, and i haven't for some time now. I feel like the living dead. Whether i'm still a victim, or have progressed to being a survivor, in some amount, is up in the air.
You're a SURVIVOR, you've come through a terrible ordeal but now you're dealing with it. Just the act of writing what you did must have lightened your load.
A secret shared is no longer a secret.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#75971 - 09/30/02 09:37 PM Re: A Window into my Mind....
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
((((GG))))

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#75972 - 10/01/02 04:50 AM Re: A Window into my Mind....
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Oh man, you have really opened up the pain in your heart to us, and that will move you along the path of healing. In my experience so far, this is a very safe place to share and get support from other men who have walked in your shoes.

I am gay myself, and felt exactly like the way you described yourself in junior high and high school. I so desperately did not want to be gay and was so ashamed of my desires. You know, a person can only deal with just so much at one time and you have been busy accepting yourself and your sexuality, also sharing that experience with your parents and I assume others. That takes time and a lot of internal thought and energy. You have come a long way already. The fact that you are here on this website may indicate you are ready to start dealing with your childhood sexual abuse. So be patient with yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It sounds like you have a made some progress in your head, it just has not made its way to your heart yet. Fortunately, you are coming to terms with this at a young age and you will have plenty of time to create a bright and loving future for yourself.

Being afraid to deal with this stuff has had devastating consequences in my life. It is embarrassing to be 40 years old and just now learning how to grow up. I have been through a lot myself and have been on the road to recovery for several years now, but I spent my twenties and half of my thirties hiding and acting out in various addictions to keep the monsters at bay.

Do you mind some advice from a good hearted guy in the midst of his mid-life crisis who has suffered some of the same things as you? You didn't ask for any but here it is anyway. Keep doing what you are doing in talking and writing about your feelings. Your feelings are the key to everything so the sooner you get in touch with them and actually feel them, the better. Give your parents time, you have had years to come to terms with being gay and they have had only a year. Given their religious background, this will be difficult, but it sounds like they love you and need more time to adjust their concept of what life will be like for you. Take your time with love. You are absolutely right, you cannot give another what you don't have yourself. So learn to love yourself for who you are right now and become complete as a single man. Then you will make a kickass partner to a very lucky guy someday. All those guys aren't going anywhere. Contrary to popular belief, gay men don't drop off the earth after 40 and I am living proof, so are most of my friends. So don't rush it. Get yourself into therapy with someone who knows about sexual abuse issues and is knowledgeable about gay and lesbian issues. It is impossible to successfully resolve the damage that has occurred in your life on your own. You lack the necessary objectivity and perspective. So get help. Please. Lastly, it is so important to understand that you did not cause your uncle to abuse you, even if you liked it at the time. Since you were already attracted to guys, it may have seemed cool to have the opportunity to fuck around, even if part of you also felt weird about it. Remember, you were a kid. Do not make the mistake of applying the knowledge and maturity you have now to who you were at 11 or 16 or whatever and judging yourself. The point is, you were the child, he was the adult and he is the responsible party, not you, no matter what, even if you begged for it. Adults are supposed to say no. Period. What you did and how you felt and feel about it are completely normal for someone in your situation. It makes sense that you would feel ashamed, that is the terrible damage that is wrought in our lives asa result of being abused. The shame is partly what causes so many problems later on. So you can start to let go of that now, you did nothing wrong. The best way to deal with the shame is to talk and write about it, tell your story, bring it out into the cold clear light of day where it can wither and die. Shame works its evil power in your life when you keep it secret and hidden. I have a feeling you will do just fine in the long run. This recovery process will take some time, and you are definitely not alone. Just try not to let it consume you. There is a lot more to life.

Hang tight,
Roy


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