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#75962 - 09/19/02 08:24 PM too much mother
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
I have to write this down to get it out of my head. I never know where to put this information, inside my own mind, or outside with friends, therapists, support groups, etc. I guess this is as good a place as any, maybe the only place. My mother has been too involved with me my entire life. Not involved with my life, mind you, but having me involved with her life, her feelings, her problems, her ailments, her ideas, her projects, her, her, her. This is all I have known. My father abdicated his role in our household around the time I was born and left me to her devices. In a very real way, my mother divorced him and married me, even though I am her son and was just a little boy. That is so sick for a grown woman, a mother, to do. I became her confidant, her companion, her advisor, her partner, her conspirator, her assistant, her consoler, her emotional lover. If a strong willed 55 year old lady decides to get her emotional needs met by using her 10 year old son, where and how do you suppose the boy gets his needs met? He doesn't! He just muddles along, keeping his troubles to himself. He suffers alone, he cries alone, he doesn't know any better except he observes that things seem different and brighter in the homes of the one or two friends he has.

It is weird and possibly helpful that when I think back to myself at that time I now think of the child me almost as a seperate person. A boy that exists inside of me who needs and now has my adult male companionship, solace, and love. This is so the little boy self does not feel so alone and afraid and abandoned. If big me knew little me back than I would have done something about it, at least been a strong presence in my life. I wish I had a time machine.

Things that just seemed routine in our home now seem really strange to me. Such as:

1. When I brought a friend inside the house, instead of proceeding directly to my room, I had to have them wait while I check to see if my mom was in the bathroom at the end of the hall. She always went to the bathroom with the door wide open. She seemed to think it was hilarious when we walked into the hall and saw her sitting on the toilet. I've never told that to anybody and it is very embarrassing to remember now.

2. None of the doors in our house had locks on them, including the bathrooms. Anybody could walk in on anybody at any time.

3. My mother would often walk around the house in her bra while she was getting dressed, finding a reason to talk to me.

4. I have seen my mothers breasts many times, all through childhood, including my teen years.

5. I have seen my own mothers vagina, while she is putting on clothes or taking a bath.

6. Speaking of baths, my mother used to bathe with me in the same bathtub until I was about 10 years old. My sisters can recall a time when I was 9 that my mom took a bath with me at a cabin we had rented, while they were there. Like it was normal!

7. She used to want me to give her back rubs, which I did a few times. I creepily recall her moaning because it felt so good.

8. She cut my fingernails and toenail until I was 11 years old. The only time I can remember my dad intervening on my behalf is when he interrupted her cutting one time to say out of the blue "he's old enough to cut his own nails". Things were real awkward after that, and there was a nail clipper set on my dresser the next day when I got home from school.

9. She and I would watch TV together in her room with her sitting up in bed and me lying across the foot. She used to like to rest her feet against me because it was "so comfortable" and I was "so warm". Yuck.

I had an absolutely miserable childhood and nobody was there for me whatsoever. My mother stole my childhood and sucked the life force right out of me. I became a useful object to her, and alternated between being an annoying liability and a source of entertainment to others in my family. Never was I encouraged to become independent or develop as a human being so I could go on to live my own life. Is it any wonder that I wound up spending my life being useful and helpful to others, a source of entertainment, and a liability to myself, without having a real clue as to how to get my own needs met. I feel so very ashamed to admit that I am 40 years old and just beginning to learn how to do this. I feel like an object of derision and contempt in the eyes of society.

I never got to be a child. Even now children make me very nervous, since they seem like creatures from a different planet who do not speak my language nor I theirs. Nobody need ever be concerned about my being a child molester, since I am more scared of children than they ever could be of me. I almost find it alarming when children talk to me or interact with me in some way that implies that I am "normal" or ok. It actually makes me want to cry when they do that, especially boys for some reason. I guess the acceptance I never got or even knew about.

I am so angry at this stage. I have been struggling with this stuff in my conscious awareness, knowing it was wrong for seven years now, ever since I was raped. The rape is what broke everything loose inside and made me begin to deal with this. I thought I was done with this part, but have been feeling so incredibly angry the last couple of days. Could be because I started in a support group for male survivors of sexual abuse on Tuesday night. Ya think?! I have just been sitting here all day with these ugly images floating through my mind, over and over. Nobody wants to listen to this, nobody wants to hear about it in my everyday life. I am grateful that this site is here and that you all understand. But I need support and understanding from some of the people in the regular parts of my life. From close friends, at least. When I try to talk to them they are nice and I know cannot completely understand, but I sense that it makes them very uncomfortable so I don't try to talk about it anymore. That part of it is what makes me feel like a freak. Like "take your filthy little problem over there where we can't see it".

Okay, I had to drain some of the puss from my wounds and I guess that is what I just did. This is so incredibly exhausting. Maybe I can still salvage something from the day.


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#75963 - 09/19/02 09:35 PM Re: too much mother
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
I broached the topic of my SA with my mother last night (file under Queen of DeNial). Made sure to couch it on the terms of "I just need a little help filling in some blanks." I have a blank spot in my mind from when I got home from living with the perp to being back at home. Her response was to launch into a diatribe about how little she knows about what happened to me "out there" and how difficult I was about coming back (I was thirteen and brainwashed by this maniac!). Of course, she remembers being busy with something and unable to go fetch me, blah blah blah... I let it go. Got the information I needed - a bit more hazy memory clarified. Gracias.

She is in complete non-acknowledgement of all inapropriate behavior. I too was an in-house masseuse, foot rest, confidante, daughter, son, lover, husband, etc. She was so damn confused she couldn't even decide whether I was a boy or a girl. She spent much of my childhood dressing me in absurdly feminine clothes and telling me how badly she'd wanted a daughter after my brother was born. Not to the point of literal drag, but definitely caused major humiliation at school.

It occured to me eventually as an adult that what my mom wanted more than anything was herself. She wanted (still wants) me to literally be her, or vice versa. To occupy my soul completely and subsume my identity so she could overtake it.

She had an awful childhood and has had a wasted adult life. i was to be her. That's taken a long time to get past, still working on it. Wrestling myself back, regaining control. And the SA didn't help my self-esteem any. But if I hadn't been trained in the art of always catering to another besides myself, I never would have ended up in that situation in the first place. And many less extreme but just as destructive situations subsequent to that one.

I get the feeling that in the future there will be a documented and treatable diagnosis for "psycho-mother induced trauma" - PMIT. It's got a nice ring to it. I'll take some pills for PMIT please.

Peace to my brother Roy and all.

-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#75964 - 09/20/02 02:55 AM Re: too much mother
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
this is ringing a bell in my mind, this is all really familiar. I remember my mom had some sort of strange mitton she made me wear once when i gave her a backrub. I wonder what otheer thigns happened, some things you describe seem so familiar. Like the feet and the being forced into feminine roles, or constantly being interupted in the bathroom. I remember that last part pretty clear. I also remember the suppository.

I swear i want to burn her house down and spraypaint Carol Puszert is a CHILD MOLESTER all over her work and her car. I want to take away her life like she did mine. And it is harder to think of reasons why i shouldnt than why i should. In the abscence of justice, someone must create the law. My society has failed me time and time again, what service do i owe anyone, especially my mother? Should i not do it because i could get caught? That makes no sense, does anyone question a police officer exposing himself to danger?

One of the things i dont like about this "movement", is that it keeps us passive, politicly as well as physically. Maybe that is not quite fair, but there is a real atmosphere of fear and silence, even when we chose to speak of it here. Most of us never go public. And it isnt just men, or children who have been sexually molested, it is the tattered image of a "perfect" nuclear family that is filled with holes and lies. It is the illusion of a world that we have created to blind ourselves from the turth about reality. EVERYTHING is wrong. Capitalism is based on exploitation, sexuality is reduced to a power struggle, nature is villified, something is WRONG here. And i am not claiming that evil doesnt have its place in the world, but why is the world in the hands of evil people?

There i go again, drowning my sorrows in politics. I was on the lamb from facing down the truth, and i guess i am back once again. I feel frightened that i will never have the courage to face this in its entirty, like i will always be one step behind my fear. My mother was my wife, my mother was my own personal hell. And nothing can make me not want the bitch to love me, no matter how messed up she was.

I have to go, i need some sleep so i can get up tomorrow. I have a class tommorow, i will make it. Thats it.


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#75965 - 09/20/02 09:37 AM Re: too much mother
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
you're already one step ahead of your fear if you keep "facing down the truth". Rough as it is, that's how you'll change. I cling to the truth now like I used to, and still do sometimes, cling to compulsive bad habits. It's painful, but the good moments of clarity are so much better, and I'm slowly moving forward.
I take my anger out on the world's problems too. Fact is if everyone had the Herculean strength to go through what we are and keep at recovery, the world would become a much better place. As cliche as it sounds, changing the world starts within each of us.
The Greeks knew the one phrase that meant more than any other: Know Thyself.
'Course looked what happend to those buggers! \:D
You sound like you've have courage to burn to being facing what you are. And I draw strength from that, and hopefully that's what's happening here. A real furnace of strength and drive for all of us.
lol,
-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#75966 - 09/24/02 07:37 AM Re: too much mother
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Roy:

I can relate to and empathize with you on so much of your story, even many of the details, like the baths, the open doors, the overexposure.

I was surrogate husband to my mother (no father around most of my life) and surrogate father to my handicapped brother.

I know of at least 3 clear instances where she committed sexual incest against me, once with my father involved and once with another man.

Some of these memories have been in my body & feelings, and sometimes in dissociated flashes in my mind, for a long time (I'm 45; this all started when I was 3 or 4 at most).

In a sense it was also a rape that brot all this out for me, about a year ago. Actually, the return of the memory of the rape, which happened when I was 10 or 11. It was a gay couple, to whom my mother sold me for sex.

The rape flashbacks came back after a counseling session last year, and things have been coming back ever since.

I had been trying to reconcile with my mother but now have broken all contact. She was still being emotionally incestuous anyway, very narcisstic.

I've just begun a process of confronting my mother, not physically but in a very real way, thru therapy; its helping so far.

Like you I had no childhood, but I'm working on letting my inner child be a child so that we can grow up.

I trust that support group will be a big help to you; none around here I know of. But I have a great T & pdoc, and a very supportive family.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#75967 - 09/24/02 07:43 AM Re: too much mother
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Al:

"It occured to me eventually as an adult that what my mom wanted more than anything was herself. She wanted (still wants) me to literally be her, or vice versa. To occupy my soul completely and subsume my identity so she could overtake it."

Yeah, that's my mother! What I'm learning about this is that she was and is a classic narcissist! She wants everything to be her; it's even in her "religion." She is the center of the universe. I was her chief satellite. But I refuse to revolve around the bitch anymore! Not even in the past!

My mothers also in major denial--but I'm not! Al, pass me some of those pills, please!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#75968 - 09/24/02 07:51 AM Re: too much mother
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Broken:

Thanks for your brutal honesty and open venting of your feelings! Good for you, and good for me too! I have very similar feelings myself, often!

I also very strongly resonate with what you said about the problem with our movement and never going public usually. I have been thinking about doing just that. I don't think the time is right given I've only known I'm a survivor about a year and I've not even ever been to any live support groups.

Maybe thats a copout, but I think I'm working toward the time, starting with being in online forums like this one, therapy, and some anonymous published writings.

But it won't end there...

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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