WEll needless to say that this topic maybe triggerig.
Where to start, first thing later I will probably regret that I posted. I am in constant fear of the wolves umong the sheep.
I was eight and I was at family members house. We went on a walk and we stopped on some railroad tracks. HE then started asking em about different things,i.e., have you ever seen another man naked n stuff like that. Then he asks (I can remember this so clearly) have you ever had a boner? I didn't even know what one was and he started graficly telling me about it. I got nervous and jumpy and he said that he had to pee and whiped right out. As soon as he tried to pee on me I ran. (now as my name states I am not a light weight. but some how I out ran him.) The rest of the day I was fastened to my mom. At night I had loosened up a bit I and another person my age went out side to catch fireflies. We came to a large tree and there he was. He asked me to pull down my pants. When I didn't respond he came closer and asked me again. To this day I regret what I did. (to cut out the gory) There was a lot of humiliation, and alot of touching, btu it didn't go any farther. This all sat in the back of my mind for a couple of years. it played havic with my self esteem and humiliated me just to think of it (even now my face is red.) Then one day my parents were watchign a show that gave a vague reference to gayness and made soem comments. I din't quite know what it meant, but I knew I had done it. I was then that I developed two of my worst self defeating phrases. "What you did makes you gay" "If you tell noone will love you" During the molesting he had only told me not to tell, but now the threat came from me. I went on holding everything on the indside.
On the out side I shut out my Faith, my friends and put on a perfect child mask for my family. I had no friends throught elementary and jr/high not until I was 16 and someone forced herself into my life. I then confided after she told me about her life. I felt a great relief, but also another great stress, who was she going to tell.
Everntualy she was placed in a group home because of things in her life and I was almost alone. I had now had a small group of friends around me, btu she was my first romantic interest. Wehn she left my self defeating phrases came back full force. I was driven to the point that I took 50 pills and a box of malox (cause the pills hurt my stomache). But I woke up. I was mad that I woke up, and greatful because I didn't realy want to die.
my senor year I found God, or He found me, and I went to college. It was at this university that I started goign to therapy. IT has greatly helped me started knocking my self defeating behaviors out, and began identifying soem of the porblems that I needed to work on.
SO here I am today. I think that there are some hidden memories, I fear that family member's bathroom like the gates of Hell but I don't know why, btu Im not in a hurry to let them up. I knwo that this is so long and unorganized, but I still am not use to getting it down out in the open.
Thanx for the open ear.
With God's Love
This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.