I really relate to your answers to the questions:
Particulary, "Living in constant state of low grade fear, I guess numbing out was my only choice. Expressing anger wasn't allowed, nor was confrontation. So I numbed out and did nothing to rock the boat, except... well insert lots of self detructive behavior and social isolation."
Also "Most of the time I'm in a state of mild depression, numb with no energy."
Things like numbing out sexually, with food, or in other ways, of course just numbs me all the more. But the problems, & the pain, remain.
Getting at the core issues of SA is really helping me as well, even today with my T & with stuff in Farmers' book.
"Letting myself feel the feelings when they come up and not shutting them down. I can't force them to happen but I sure can shut it down."
This is key for me, as an online friend told me recently.
To quit trying to force my feelings out and just letting myself feel them when they do come out. To acknowledge & honor the parts of me that do feel, and to embrace the wounded child hiding within who is afraid to express feeling, and assure him it is safe to do so.
Thanks for sharing your answers, experiences, insight & inspiration, Jer.